Navigating relationships with ADHD / ASD

[Breakingcircles]

Hi, am aware this might not be the best place to post and happy to be redirected. I heavily suspect (a lot of lived professional and personal experience) that I have both ADHD and ASD. Everyone agrees without hesitation on the ADHD but not so much ASD, as I mask very well, but have a lot of internal struggles.

Anyway , have had a bit of a lightbulb moment regarding my repeated errors in long term relationships (could benefit from therapy) but just wanted any positive stories on how people can be neuro diverse and maintain a happy and healthy relationship.

I’ve just come back from holiday and couldn’t get away from my boyfriend quick enough. I couldn’t stand him or his annoying little habits. I have a deep distrust of my own judgement and never know if I am being unfair and would love to talk to others in a similar position. I just now don’t know where I go from here! I do this, four or five years in, I suddenly can’t stand them.

I have low confidence but also know I can be hard work/unreasonable. How can you go on holiday and be so looking forward to time together and then can’t bear them a few days in?!! We don’t live together and I am used to (and need) a lot of time on my own (with my children).

Probably rambling but any insights gratefully received! Thanks

You might get better answers on the neurodiverse mumsnetters board as everyone on their has either ADHD or ASD or both!

Brilliant! I didn’t know it existed, came here from an old habit. Thanks so much x

If you report your post to mumsnet they will move it for you

My DH also needs lots of time alone, so we do things together on holiday, but also plan time apart and both retreat to separate areas of the house when we get back until our introvert reserves have been filled up.

I think we find each other annoying from time to time, but it always passes, and I'm not sure that that's any different from neurotypical people in long term relationships. I know that I can get wildly swept up in exciting new things, while he's much more measured and that means that we sometimes annoy the hell out of each other but also enrich each other's life when the balance is right.

Thank you @DaisyWaldron I love this place for being able to give a reasoned perspective. We normally get a lot of time alone but he’s happy for the time together on holiday whereas I’m realising how much I struggle with it.

my overactive brain then wants to analyse why. I find we’re both quite strong minded which can lead to bickering but am just more and more seeing a side I don’t like. It feels to me he always has to be right, even on stuff that really just doesn’t matter. I find it exhausting!

I've only been on holiday with DP once. And once was enough for me! We'd been living together for over a year by then, so were used to being in each other's pockets without too much issue, but I felt very tense and on edge being away with her despite having looked forward to it for ages.

I think it's mostly just that, while away, everything is new and everything requires processing, which means I just don't have the energy or capacity to cope with thinking about DP too. It's extra wearing because of the many, many small daily decisions that have to be made together (ugh, compromise) when everything is out of routine (e.g. where to eat lunch, what to order, which beach to go to, shall we go for a drive, what should we do next, etc. etc.) It's just a heck of a lot, especially with the pressure of trying to Have A Nice Time. I'm much more comfortable going away alone, when I can process this stuff in my own time and space, which it turns out is necessary for me to be able to manage it for any length of time. Plus, overwhelm tends to make me snippy, which makes me worry about how I'm impacting other people, which then makes me even snippier given the increased anxiety..!

Then, when already overloaded by all of the above, DP doing stuff like singing to herself or turning the TV on or not making a decision fast enough or basically anything ever becomes way too much for me to handle, which doesn't exactly make for a good holiday together.

But all was healed when we got back, given a bit of time, space and quiet, in order to regulate again and file everything away properly in my head. I always thought it spoke really badly of me as a person (knowing it's a recurrent issue - I've never been able to do holidays with friends either for the same reason), till I realised it was just a case of basic autistic overstimulation, and stemmed from the situation itself rather than anything being broken in either me or our relationship. I'm not sure how to get round it other than just avoiding ever holidaying together again, or other things together that are likely to lead to me being overstimulated for prolonged periods around DP. But understanding that's what it was has taken a lot of pressure off.

@notyourmam thank you for that, very insightful, can relate to most of that and makes me feel much better! Does your partner not mind you not going away together? I do love my holidays but just need to alter my expectations (of myself and the holiday experience) I think. Went away with some friends a little while ago and definitely found it too much - I used to think it was me being difficult but now I understand myself better I know I needed to do things to make it work for me, so took myself out for peaceful breaks etc.

His little habits were driving me mad and I couldn't imagine them ever not, but as you say, a few days back to regulate and now I feel okay with them again. That said, I haven't spent much time in his company since we've been back so that's probably why ;)

Definitely relate to the compromise thing! I do have quite a fixed mindset on things, as does he... god knows how we'll ever cope living together. But, I don't want to spend my life alone so have to figure out all this stuff and find a way to communicate better.... I want my cake and to eat it and don't really know what I want which doesn't help. Got to love a jumpy brain... I want company and friendship, but want a lot of time on my own. Want to fit in with friends, but then they all annoy me... etc etc!

@Breakingcircles no, she doesn't mind. She has friends to go away with if she wants to do that, but she's not a huge traveller anyway. She has no issue with me going away alone either.

I know what you mean about wanting your cake and eating it too though. I'm ADHD too and really need people in my life, and I do wish I could be capable of being around people 24/7 like that since it seems fun if you can hack it! It's much better for me to accept and acknowledge that it isn't on the cards though, since whenever I've convinced myself it'll be fine it's invariably ended badly and made me feel crap about myself.

Plus, minibreaks are ok! I can do 2-3 days if I know I can decompress alone afterwards with zero social demands for a few days.

I don't think you need to worry about fixing anything in order to not be alone though. There are different ways to be in relationships other than the expected NT standard of "live together, holiday together, host people for dinner", etc. We live separately again now, but spend a lot of time together, and it works well for us. Plenty of space to live exactly as we want/need to (I feel much less stressed for having my cave home to myself again), but also have the comfort of knowing we are each other's person.

I think self-insight is key though. Beginning to understand why we as NDs respond as we do to these kind of things makes it a heck of a lot easier to cater to them too, meaning ongoing communication isn't so necessary if everybody understands what's happening already. For me, the simple solution is always just time and space.

Can I just say how helpful and insightful these posts are. Holidays are very important to dh, and seeing new things by himself isn’t enough. He wants/needs to share it with me.

Trying to balance his needs, the dc’ needs leaves me completely depleted and unable to even process what’s happening for me. I’m reading this thread nodding along.

I’m going to print out some of these posts and keep them with my holiday lists.

The balance of needs is so hard isn't it!
My husband is ADHD, me ASD and 2 of my kids ASD too. One NT child.

Both me and my husband are autistic. Although he’d happily spend all holiday with me, he knows this would be unbearable for me, and as he generally needs alone time too, he understand so we always have a bit of time apart

Hey just wanna say..I'm in.this position too. Also don't live together ..also have kids. Ones his. Also my partner is ASD and we both do each others heads in but really care about each other..its confusing ! Hows it going?...so complex