‘Normal’ life

[Japril]

Yesterday it was confirmed that my DS, who is 9 is on the ASC spectrum. My DD, who is 12, is being assessed in October and I am confident she is too (I have thought she is on and off since she was younger but convince myself she wasn’t but secondary school has really highlighted the issue).

I feel a bit flat and I am looking for reassurance that they will be independent adults (partly because the summer holiday has been hard and I need to know that at some point in the future they won’t both be living at home! 😆). So please can anyone reassure me that they are a neurodiverse adult who is wildly successful, happy and independent? If you are did your parents do anything to help you that you feel made a difference?

Can you define success?
I'm a qualified nurse with a few post grad qualifications, married, divorced, 3 dc, carer for my mum. I'm not working as a nurse now and probably won't again because dealing with other staff is too difficult. I'm very happy and independent. Success, independence and happiness are different for different people. I struggle every single day though with sensory overload and people.

No one is truly independent. That’s a bit of a fantasy. We are nearly all extremely interdependent whether we like it or not. But it’s not unreasonable to expect your DC won’t need to live in your home forever because there are lots of possible living arrangements out there. As to what will ensure your kids are happy I would say let them be who they are, support their interests regardless and don’t force them to conform to rules and expectations that don’t matter.

Autistic adult here, totally independent (as far as you're looking for), fairly happy, okay successful. Plenty of qualifications, self-employed, decent house etc. Parents did nothing as I was only diagnosed as an adult!!
Don't panic.

Thank you!

I am hoping that knowing for sure might actually help my daughter. She is incredibly hard work at the moment.

I love them both dearly and just want to give them the best start.

Diagnosis is such a good thing. Knowing you are autistic and your differences/difficulties are not your "fault" is immense.

I echo pp who said actively encourage your children to be fully who they are, don't try to steer them towards being who they're not. Let yourself grieve the loss of your former expectations or assumptions, it's healthy to grieve and process what's difficult about their dx for you, that way you'll be less likely to have unprocessed grief in the mix.

Re ye daughter- what things are particularly difficult at the moment?

Do you know about the SN chat board on MN? It has honestly saved my life over past few years. There are so many, many different strategies and support to try, and some of them can be life-changing for our kids and us. Take heart!

I wasn’t diagnosed till an adult and I do wonder if I would have achieved the success/independence I have (postgrad degree, extensive travel, married, children, house) without the expectation that I would.

I think it’s a very fine balance between supporting them to achieve whatever goals they have, and not putting any limit on them, at the same time as recognising that their path through life and what makes them happy may be very different from the traditional.

My mental health has suffered a lot from the pressure of trying to fit in and be ‘normal’. I hope your children will grow up with a greater understanding of who they are and that it’s ok to be different.

Well, I don't live with my mum. Yes I needed a bit more emotional support but I live with my kids and look after them. Ok Life is not as easy or as successful as others but independentish, contentish. Muddle through.