Anxiety attacks - what the hell do I do?

[CantTellAnyOneThis]

I really could do with some advice/support from fellow ND Mumsnetters.

I'm autistic and have ADHD. I'm 46, have a DP and DC and I work full time. But I'm rapidly spiralling to a point where I'm struggling to function.

More specifically, since COVID restrictions eased, I've struggled. Weirdly, COVID felt safe as everyone was at home and I knew where my "safe" people were. There was no pressure to go out and DO stuff.

Now everyone is out and about, and that makes me feel anxious just in case I can't reach someone when I need to. Most specifically, it's DP and my mum. My mum is disabled and rarely leaves the house. She's going to be out and about a bit over the next week and I'm struggling to cope. My anxiety has spiked so badly I can't eat and I can't sleep.

It's ridiculous and I'm aware it's ridiculous. I'm so, so deeply ashamed of myself. I think it's to do with change - I'm used to her being at home. But I also think it's because she's my anchor, so I know she'll always be there if I have a wobble. If she's out and about and I can't cope, I might not be able to reach her.

Trust me, I am totally and completely aware of how unreasonable and selfish I'm being. I haven't told her. DP knows everything. I'm not trying to control her or stop her going out, and I don't do it with DP either.

I'm just feeling absolutely battered trying to cope with how I feel, and I'm not sure I've got a lot of resilience to just keep on fighting through this anxiety.

What the absolute fuck do I do? It's overwhelming and won't go away. I'd be so bloody grateful for some help.

Oh, should mention, I'm on meds for anxiety (Buspirone) which take the edge off but don't make a huge difference. My GP thinks I just need to battle on which I understand but I'm not sure how much longer I've got this in me for. You know, if people get anxiety from work, they can get signed off sick. My triggers are other people very close to me going out - I can hardly stop them doing that so I've got no choice but to plough through it, and I just don't know if I can any more. I don't know what to do.

That sounds really hard.

I relate. I really struggle if I can’t reach my key people or don’t know where they are or when I’m going to hear from them. I’m not sure why. I’ve always been like that. I struggle both with having those feelings and also the immense effort of hiding those feelings from other people.

I try to label it and spot the pattern as in “ah yes, I am having my separation anxiety/uncertainty fears. This also happened 2 days ago when….I expect I will better when….” and I mainly employ distraction as a technique to cope with the feelings in the moment. It’s bloody hard.

Personally I actually found the pandemic harder because I saw that as more uncertain and out of routine. I’m good now on days when I know what everyone’s routine is. Weekends are the worst.

@FloorWipes - thank you so much for replying, I really appreciate it.

That actually helps a lot. Knowing I'm not the only person who feels this way makes me feel a lot less stupid. Like you said, hiding it takes extraordinary effort and I'm angry with myself for feeling this way.

My general anxiety levels are insanely high at the moment. I'm going through a period of big changes. I'm selling my house (that I've lived in for 15 years) and building an annexe for DM in our new house. Have just helped DM to sell her house and buy the new one where we're going to build. Dealing with an architect who's not doing his job, planning permission that's overdue and talking to builders about the project - all while working F/T and home educating two DC with SEN. I'm utterly burnt out and exhausted and have no resilience left to deal with anything else.

I think you've put your finger on it there actually when you mention looking at patterns. This would always be a trigger for me, but the last 3-6 months have been increasingly hard and with so many changes, I don't have much capacity left for anything else.

I've written down a list of things to remind myself to think about, and things I can do when I'm feeling panicky. I hear you about the weekends - I struggle with those too as very close friends quite often travel or go away and I find that hard. Although of course I never tell them this and they have no idea!!

Thank you so much. I feel a bit less alone now I know someone else feels like this too.

Please, please don't beat yourself up and label yourself as selfish- you are anything but! You are so self-aware and from what you've said are not trying to control your mother's movements, so there is absolutely no need to feel guilty or ashamed.

I couldn't quite believe it though when you reeled off all the things you've got on your plate atm .... erm, FT job AND homeschooling TWO DC with SEN? And then project managing a house build, which means you moving house??

Yes, I expect you are anxious!! (That's not a rebuke, its meant to sound reassuring!) This is an unmanageable amount for most people, let alone someone with less bandwidth because they are autistic and use lots of bandwidth for that.

Bugger the GP telling you to battle on. You either need some serious meds to help you, or I think you need to be signed off for a proper length of time, is that something you would consider? Or possibly reduced working hours for a fixed period?