Masking exhausting. I feel trapped.

[Youonlyventonce]

Hi, thought I'd post on here, rather than the bloodbath that is aibu because I might get some people that get it.

I'm in a tricky situation regarding my nd status. Had a breakdown a few years ago and was suggested I was add. I'd never considered it before, but am the generation where girls weren't picked up for that sort of thing. My younger sings have ADHD dyslexia diagnosis too and I am very similar so I'm pretty certain I have a combination of all three.
I've never really fit in but have managed to get by most of my life, but obviously all hit a wall a few years ago. Anyway, in a bit of a strange place because whilst overcome to accept I'm nd, no diagnosis and well meaning husband brushes it off as quirkiness so constantly having to keep up what I now know is masking.

Anyway, crux of the matter is lately it's been really bad as DH constantly inviting his parents round for week long stays and I find it super stressful to be ' performing' all the time. I am literally on edge the entire time with no down time and they are hard work. The hugging, constant reassurance, wanting to be entertained. I feel I need some bloody downtime because I need some time to not people please, hugs, eye contact and they demand a lot.
DH is very supportive in a lot of ways but doesn't find hosting a big deal so I just feel I can't bring it up. He feels it's a dig at his parents. It's not. Don't want to be masking for anyone, my own parents included, but it is just a fact his parents are difficult to navigate even for not people.
I'm struggling, not sure if it's advice or just screaming into the void tbh, but it just feels absolutely relentless and I know part of it will be my nd.
Anyone else had similar? Manage to get boundaries in? Coping strategies? Can masking like this be good?
I have no mh support but the internet so only have self taught strategies really.

I understand the exhaustion of having house guests and no decompression time.

I'm not sure what to suggest about the central issue of how you communicate your needs to your DH ..,.

But re the side issues:

I manage guests by regularly finding reasons to go upstairs and lie on my bed under a weighted blanket for 15 mins. Then go downstairs again and re-join. If you do this several times over the course of the day, I find it lowers my overall stress level to stay manageable.

You could also try taking yourself out of the house. I know this isn't ideal. Sometimes I go to a local pub in the daytime because it's large, quiet, no background music, and no crowds during daytime. I put earphones on and use my laptop.

Thank you, yes I'm not sure about how to get this across to DH. He's really kind and considerate but I think the lack of a diagnosis and his preference to act like everything is fine after my breakdown is a bit of a barrier. Our first@BoxedOut

Child is currently being investigated for Sen so he's chosen the head in sand approach, which is fine but doesn't really help me as kind of leaves me to manage situations on my own. Part of the issue is I was in denial a long time as well so I think he thinks it's reassuring to tell me I'm nt. It's at the point though where after my breakdown I have lost all ability to use strategies and mask, which I was obviously very good at as never diagnosed.
I don't have a weighted blanket, do they work for eeryone? I suspect my child needs one so it may address my needs as well but not sure.
I do need to get out the house next time, but am going to find it difficult being away from my child, who I am very protective of particularly around the in-laws becaus they don't get his difficulties.
Is it difficult to get diagnosed by the NHS as an adult? Is it actually worth it for.someone who has masked and concealed so long?

What SEN does it look possible your DS has?

Might it work to take your DS out of the house with you, eg if he needs lots of movement or stimulation, you plan that you'll do breakfast with your in-laws and then take DS to the park for a couple of hours?

My two DC are both dx autistic. One adores the weighted blanket (as do I) and my other hates it. You won't know until you try, and unfortunately they're expensive. Try Googling for blankets you can rent as a trial.

Is it ADHD/ADD and Dyslexia you think you have/are? If so, ADD/ADHD can be diagnosed as an adult through the NHS. I don't know how long the wait is. I am waiting for ASC adult assessment and the queue is 3+ years.

Yes, I believe diagnosis is worth it.

I think it's add, ADHD and dyslexia, though I think it's the add that's causing the biggest issues.
Son it's looking like add but he is very young so we're at the beginning of the process. It's more pronounced and classic add in him, for me it took my breakdown to realise all these strategies and things I'd been carrying.
Three years is a really long time, I guess I will need to find my own solution/get DH on board as I think I'll have another breakdown if i have to keep this up.

What sort of doors does diagnosis open if you don't mind me asking. (Yhank you for talking to me by the way, it's helping me work through the strain!)

I can't take him out with me unfortunately as a lot of the motivation for them coming is their grandchild, which is fine, it's just it's overwhelming for both of us and they do t really stick to his routines of get he can't slot into what they want to do so creates burn out for him and me.

It also creates friction between my husband and I because agreed strategies go out the window and they make him feel less confident as a parent anyway. So in do think I need to get away somehow on my own but somehow put in boundaries so they don't cause overload for ds.

Diagnosis opens doors to support groups and to accommodations at work, in hospitals and other medical places and anywhere else that you feel you need support. It also would mean (hopefully) that family would be more understanding.
As for your current predicament, I really sympathise. I couldn't deal with that at all and I'm lucky that I don't have to.

Thank you, I'm self employed so thankfully can dictate my own working conditions, but do think it'll probably be worth it just so I can have an official reason and not be accused of being rude/uncooperative. Glad I didn't post of aibu because I think lots of the comments would be about how it isn't a big deal and it must be lovely to be able to cope with this amount of enforced socialisation without effort and taking a toll.
It just helps to talk to people who get what a big deal it is. DH is in a grump this morning because he has taken it as a personal slight on his parents. Which is weird, because he has said before that he finds them hard work anyway so they must be hard work even if you do not have social exhaustion.
Thanks for the support :) this is a helpful space.

I think you need a massive education campaign for your dh!

He’s stuck in a really unhelpful paradigm of NT=normal and anything that can be diagnosed =something wrong.

It’s basically a medical model - but having autism or adhd or dyslexia or sensory processing challenges is not like having cancer or even diabetes.

In fact it’s not like having anything at all. It’s about being a person in a way that can be very difficult.

There are lots of great infographics on Pinterest and quick 15 sec TikTok videos and deep dive podcasts available. I think you should start sending him links - a constant drip drip of information and education.

It’s important for your child to be accepting and positive - helping to ease the way when that’s needed, and find strategies and supports to enable them to reach their unique and wonderful potential.

It’s just not good enough parenting or husbanding to stick his head in the sand so be careful not to internalise his negativity. Frame what he’s doing (even privately for your own sake) as his profile of needs.

Yes, in my mind I think of it as a maze or labyrinth. Not person will have a direct route maze and I've got one with twists and turns to end up at the same place.

I'm a bit overwhelmed with all the autism memes etc to be honest. A lot of them go on about it as a super power which I think is.really unhelpful.

Most of the memes I've seen seem to be made by NT parents.
I find the best ones on Instagram created by actual autustic people.
Search for the hashtag #actuallyautistic

Hi @Youonlyventonce Diagnosis for me, though very late, was 100% useful. I can’t say positive but it did allow me to cut myself some slack!

I have a thread going on here “I don’t know where to start with this” and it sounds as though we have a similar problem.

Masking is exhausting.

I don’t have a weighted blanket but, I do find it comforting to “swaddle”. By that, I mean I wrap up tight in a soft blanket. Like a mummy, I wrap and tuck my shoulders in. If I don’t have a blanket, I’ll wedge myself between cushions to feel the same “hug”.

It was good enough for Temple Grandin!

My son loves the blanket burrito

@ofwarren Awww, sweet. My own son loved to be squeezed when he was little. Not now; he’s 6ft!

And I’ve done it for as long as I can remember. I never put two and two together with it!

Hi, just a little venting update. Had a massive argument both last night and this morning about this. DH accusing me of being unreasonable as his parents live far away, only get to see grandchild then etc.
I'd just like to add that not only did DH live abroad for literally years without seeing his parents, they used to live closer but chose to move far away.
I suggested they come down every seCond half term etc and he accused me of being selfish and using autism as an excuse. Hit back by saying he needs to research masking and what seems like nothing to him is a big deal to me. He also said that thry aren't coming down Christmas so I can have a rest then which is bollocks because my baby is due then

You need to ask your husband to read some of the real life accounts in this forum.

If he reads mine I can assure him that I am now totally, utterly wrung out and will take two days to come round from it. Two days because I won’t just have a fit of the vapours and retire to my bed chamber; I will carry on, pretending all is well. Because I have to.

I hope you’re Ok this evening, @Youonlyventonce