ADHD - Masking, or Coping Strategies?

[ImJustMadAboutSaffron]

I have a problem differentiating the two.

I have to have things in the right place, so that I can find them - keys, TV and other remotes, phone, cat's medication, and if anyone comes to the house I insist that they put things back where they found them. If I can't find important things like this I go into a tailspin.

When I go to meetings, I take very, very detailed notes for myself, as I can't always remember or retain information. This works for me as I can refer back (I prefer good old-fashioned notebooks for this purpose, and paper copies of meeting documentation as I can't flick between things on screen, and can't keep the info in my head).

I'm aware that I am doing all of this to appear "normal" and that I "can cope". Which I can, if I do all of this. But is it all just a mask? If I think of it as coping strategies I feel in control, but if I think of it as masking I feel a failure.

I also have to "mask" when I am out in company, because of the stuff I talk about.

I think they are all strategies. The masking bit is not the strategy, but the pretending that it’s is just standard behaviour and not a strategy you need to adopt to cope with ADHD. If that makes any sense…

you may not need to mask anything in many situations because your coping strategy just appears as diligence. But, in others, you might have to mask a lot because the strategy that helps you cope is itself not viewed positively in general. You have to mask both the ADHD and the strategy for managing it in various ways.

I think what you are describing are coping strategies and accommodations for you, not masking. It helps you cope better but that's not what a mask is to me.
A mask is usually uncomfortable for the autistic person to do, but it makes the NT person more comfortable.

I tried my hardest to mask with my ex as he said he was embarrassed by me.

I think a mask can be about making the other person feel more
comfortable. But my experience of ADHD is that it’s very often about the need to hide my struggles because they just look like
shameful uselessness.

i have coping strategies to help me to function better in an NT world. But I also need to mask the issues I have so I’m
not interpreted as lazy and useless.

I’ve also had the experience of having to mask for my ex. I ended up feeling like I couldn’t say anything at all because I’d just be accused of talking too much. And too loudly. So I said nothing. It got to the point where I was actually aware that I’d be silently listening to him monologue with absolutely no sense of who his audience was, and then being told off for talking all the time if I said anything at all.

My ex may have ASD, which may have contributed there. But the actual problem isn’t any neurodiversity he might have; it’s the whacking great dose of narcissism that seems to dominate his personality! Recently I just outright told him that it is not normal that he goes through life thinking that he’s better and more special than everyone else, so the stuff that applies to them isn’t or shouldn’t be relevant to him. He even says that’s how he feels - he said outright that it’s ridiculous that he keeps injuring himself playing football because he’s much better than everyone else and shouldn’t be prone to the same kinds of injury. That’s not ASD; that’s pretty much a textbook narcissistic trait.

I’ve read a few things about ADHD relationships and I think it’s pretty common for NT people to be attracted to people with ADHD because they are energetic and bubbly and personable etc and then to be annoyed that the person with ADHD is, in fact, exactly how they presented themselves. It becomes inconvenient to the NT person and they want the ND person to just be ‘normal’, except in those situations where the ADHD traits are desirable to the NT person.