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Neurodiverse Mumsnetters

Use this forum to discuss neurodiverse parenting.

Hiding (aka masking) In Plain Sight

29 replies

AllJustATrialOfErrors · 27/07/2022 21:25

I’m new to this forum, in the past ten days or so. It’s been wonderful to discover others out there are just like me. For me, it’s something akin to what happens in the film Close Encounters of the Third Kind. For anyone who’s not seen the film, there are a group of people who are different; for some reason they each draw/sculpt/make the same mountain where the extra terrestrials meet. They don’t know why they do it, it’s just intrinsic/weird/different and not within their control. Then, they meet and it ALL becomes clear. The answers, the craziness the realisation that it all means something. They’re not alone, others get it too!

And one thing that leaps out at me generally, is the vast number of ladies, often late diagnosed like myself, who’ve masked and tried to hide; slip under the radar and pass as so called “normal”. There’s a common theme. Masking. Fitting in. Pretending.

There are many people who then say “I’ve masked for so long, I hardly know which variation is the real me”. I absolutely identify with this. In real life, the people I know have never been in the same room together, at the same time; it’d be too hard for me to work out who to “be”.

So, the question is “How do you find the real you?” I can’t even say rediscover. I’ve been trying to “fit”; trying to meld and mould forever. It’s impossible to rediscover something or someone I’ve never been. Any advice is very much appreciated.

OP posts:
AllJustATrialOfErrors · 08/09/2022 16:35

😊 @MyNoseIsCold

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LoveToWearADress · 08/09/2022 17:17

Anyone get ocd - intrusive thoughts, along with shutdown in times of stress? I get this - and I'm trying my best to work through it - but it's like a dark ship on the horizon 😞

Other than that I do love a good old favourite song on repeat 🔁

AllJustATrialOfErrors · 09/09/2022 17:35

Hi @LoveToWearADress My son has crippling OCD. He needs (and takes) medication for it. Might you be able to see your GP and discuss?

I’m too emotional at the minute for favourite songs. One day … hopefully!

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AllJustATrialOfErrors · 12/01/2025 08:46

AffIt · 28/07/2022 13:51

I was diagnosed more than ten years ago, when I was 32, so hopefully I can be of some help here. My diagnosis was Asperger's, now HFASD (a term I don't agree with, but that's an argument for another day).

I will be honest and say I didn't suffer terribly with masking as a young person, because I had the great good fortune to grow up in a supportive family (many of whom are or almost certainly were autistic - we're an Aspie family!) and a very nurturing school environment, and I was comfortable 'embracing my weirdness' from an early age.

Things really only got difficult for me when I was in my mid-late 20s / early 30s and interacting with far more NTs at work and so on than I had previously been used to - in fact, that's what prompted my journey to diagnosis.

However, I do probably continue to mask to an extent, particularly when dealing with 'normal life' (tradespeople, at the supermarket, at work to an extent - I am a senior subject matter expert at director level).

I cope with this by having 'safe zones' and 'safe people' - my OH, my best friend, my sister, all of whom understand who I am. They have no issues with me coming home and walking straight past them to sit in a darkened room for two hours / quietly stimming away in front of the TV / talking about whatever this month's special interest is for hours.

Unfortunately, I think an element of masking is inevitable for most ND adults with the capacity to 'function', as we live in a world built by and designed for NTs. It's important to recognise this and I feel diagnosis is, for many people, the first step in unpicking who they are.

That said, it is a long process - some people talk of a 'lightbulb moment' on diagnosis, but there is no guarantee: like grief, it's not linear and it will take some people longer than others. I, for example, was essentially constantly angry for about two years post-diagnosis.

I also did a HUGE amount of reading - academic studies, medical research, books and papers written both ND and NT people - which helped me, because I am process-driven and seek 'rules'.

Ultimately, be kind to yourself and give yourself time.

This is an old thread. My own, old thread. I revisited it to see if I felt any easier with my masked self and it was once more enlightening (especially the quoted reply above) and the kindness, understanding and gentle responses which were such a help, back in 2022.

I still mask but rarely. I’m in a very different position now. My employer knows of my diagnosis and I have small but significant adjustments in place when needed. They value me and that means I’m more able to feel comfortable and accepted. It’s not a trauma being there; I enjoy it.

Those who in the past just found me “lacking” or in some way unacceptable are no longer in my life. I don’t need to worry now that I’m doing/saying/being “right”. There is no standard I’m not achieving.

I find that I am (and always was) acceptable, in the most part. If I find a situation where I’m not doing well, I know I can politely decline/leave/take a raincheck. What I don’t do is work out how I need to be; what I will say or do so that I “fit”. It means I can generally enjoy what I’m doing as I’m not rehearsing and worrying before during and after an event. Is this me? The unmasked version? Possibly. Or possibly it’s the more NT me. NTs don’t worry about “being” as they truly are. They just “are”. Either way, I recommend being absolutely honest with yourself and others about who and HOW you are. I find most people very accepting and non judgemental.

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