Hiding (aka masking) In Plain Sight

[AllJustATrialOfErrors]

I’m new to this forum, in the past ten days or so. It’s been wonderful to discover others out there are just like me. For me, it’s something akin to what happens in the film Close Encounters of the Third Kind. For anyone who’s not seen the film, there are a group of people who are different; for some reason they each draw/sculpt/make the same mountain where the extra terrestrials meet. They don’t know why they do it, it’s just intrinsic/weird/different and not within their control. Then, they meet and it ALL becomes clear. The answers, the craziness the realisation that it all means something. They’re not alone, others get it too!

And one thing that leaps out at me generally, is the vast number of ladies, often late diagnosed like myself, who’ve masked and tried to hide; slip under the radar and pass as so called “normal”. There’s a common theme. Masking. Fitting in. Pretending.

There are many people who then say “I’ve masked for so long, I hardly know which variation is the real me”. I absolutely identify with this. In real life, the people I know have never been in the same room together, at the same time; it’d be too hard for me to work out who to “be”.

So, the question is “How do you find the real you?” I can’t even say rediscover. I’ve been trying to “fit”; trying to meld and mould forever. It’s impossible to rediscover something or someone I’ve never been. Any advice is very much appreciated.

I'm afraid I don't have any advice as I'm only at the start of the journey to assessment hopefully leading to diagnosis, but I wanted to thank you for articulating thus in particular:

'In real life, the people I know have never been in the same room together, at the same time; it’d be too hard for me to work out who to “be”.'

My mouth literally dropped because this is so me and my experience of the world. Thank you.

• this not thus

I've only very recently been diagnosed, so am still learning. I had heard of masking, but I don't actually know how to define it in relation to myself. I mean I spend a lot of time pretending to be "normal" and trying to fit in, but I don't know what my unmasked self is.

I mean I've seen people asking each other "Do you mask when with your partner?" and I don't know. I'm a lot more relaxed when it's just the two of us, but I don't don't know how to be in the presence of another human and not be trying to work out how they're perceiving you and if it's acceptable.

Really not articulating this well as I'm still so confused about it, but yes OP, you are not alone in wondering “How do you find the real you?”

@JaggedLittleKrill I wish you luck on your diagnostic journey. Most likely, if you’ve come this far, the actual diagnosis is more of a vindication; a “well, that all makes perfect sense, then” thing. I needed a diagnosis to help me with accepting that I wasn’t the collection of often negative traits I’d been drowning in, there were mitigating circumstances. You know what I mean 😊 And you’re welcome. Years ago, a friend secretly organised a birthday party for me. She’s done a good job of rounding up a small collection of family and friends, people who knew me. I was mortified. Truly mortified. It was sweet of her but essentially, I spent the whole evening feeling like a fraud and introducing/explaining who people were to me. It was dreadful. I have never been involved in anything like it since. I have married twice. At the first there were 15 people (too many! 😂) At the second, 4 of us. That included the bride and groom. When I had my son, the midwife nearly fell of the chair at “booking in” as we discussed the birth plan. I told her, ideally, I should like to give birth like a cat; alone, in a cupboard in the dark... No fuss!

@Bergamotte Maybe, that IS us. The morphing shapeshifter. It’s NOT that we wish to deceive when we mimic and copy, presenting the character we think most acceptable to “present” company. Maybe, we mould to situations in order to survive, at a very prehistoric level. Let’s face it, if we were so different, we might have been cast out from the tribe, withering and dying or being eaten by a sabre toothed cat. Not for nothing are many famous actors/entertainers deemed “reclusive” and private in real life. They find it easier to “be” other people. As a child, I was an excellent mimic. Still am. I do a cracking Sarah Millican, Ella Fitzgerald, July Garland. Quite the “Little Voice”.

My point is, I will keep looking for me, but I’m not sure I’ll find much.

I was diagnosed more than ten years ago, when I was 32, so hopefully I can be of some help here. My diagnosis was Asperger's, now HFASD (a term I don't agree with, but that's an argument for another day).

I will be honest and say I didn't suffer terribly with masking as a young person, because I had the great good fortune to grow up in a supportive family (many of whom are or almost certainly were autistic - we're an Aspie family!) and a very nurturing school environment, and I was comfortable 'embracing my weirdness' from an early age.

Things really only got difficult for me when I was in my mid-late 20s / early 30s and interacting with far more NTs at work and so on than I had previously been used to - in fact, that's what prompted my journey to diagnosis.

However, I do probably continue to mask to an extent, particularly when dealing with 'normal life' (tradespeople, at the supermarket, at work to an extent - I am a senior subject matter expert at director level).

I cope with this by having 'safe zones' and 'safe people' - my OH, my best friend, my sister, all of whom understand who I am. They have no issues with me coming home and walking straight past them to sit in a darkened room for two hours / quietly stimming away in front of the TV / talking about whatever this month's special interest is for hours.

Unfortunately, I think an element of masking is inevitable for most ND adults with the capacity to 'function', as we live in a world built by and designed for NTs. It's important to recognise this and I feel diagnosis is, for many people, the first step in unpicking who they are.

That said, it is a long process - some people talk of a 'lightbulb moment' on diagnosis, but there is no guarantee: like grief, it's not linear and it will take some people longer than others. I, for example, was essentially constantly angry for about two years post-diagnosis.

I also did a HUGE amount of reading - academic studies, medical research, books and papers written both ND and NT people - which helped me, because I am process-driven and seek 'rules'.

Ultimately, be kind to yourself and give yourself time.

I've been in the process of unmasking for years so I'll explain what I've been doing.

I decided to firstly focus on sensory issues.
I looked at what my 'go to' clothes were when I was ill or stressed and bought lots of similar items. So for me that was leggings and longer tops/dresses that were made of a similar fabric. I got rid of underwire bras altogether and got molke bras which are very comfortable. I also now no longer wear normal shoes as I HATE the feel so much. In the summer I wear walking sandals or crocs and in the winter I wear wide fitting wellies or crocs. I stopped wearing jewellery except my wedding ring as earrings itch and necklaces annoy me. I only wear large knickers that come up to my belly button.
I never now have that feeling that I need to rip my clothes off when I'm stressed.

When out I would find things too bright or too loud so I let myself wear sunglasses and ear defenders.

Once all my sensory needs were met I focused on comfort items and stimming type things.
As a child I loved snow globes and kaleidoscopes for what I now know are visual stims, so I got some and I watch ASMR videos that I enjoy with visual stims too.
I found that I twiddle my fingers massively when I'm stressed or excited so I bought fidget toys like squeezy balls and a fidget spinner and I literally use them every day.

I found that I suppress a sway, like a side to side rock when I'm standing waiting in a queue for example and I no longer stop it.

Personality wise is more difficult to unmask after such a long time but here is what I did.
I made a list of everything I liked as a child, along with things I thought I liked as an adult and spent time looking through Pinterest to see what other things caught my eye. I found it really difficult to work out what I actually like, rather than what I 'liked' because it was the done thing. It had to be a really conscious thing where I said to myself "do I like this thing", "how does it make me feel". If I felt nothing but positivity to it, I kept it on the list and if I felt uncomfortable in any way, I dropped it.
I've now got a nice list of things that I indulge myself in. Some are things I have thought about all my life but never really did anything about it. They were obviously my special interests and I didn't realise.

The most difficult one of all is socialising and/or dealing with other humans.
I do mask when I need to, such as when talking to teachers or medical staff but I mostly now don't worry at all about eye contact and find that I mainly don't give it very often. I've totally stopped scripting when talking to people which means I sometimes forget words and sometimes stutter.
The best one has been not attending social events that I really don't want to go to. For me, this means that I now actually do not have any friends at all but that's the right thing for me. I'm the happiest and most comfortable than I have ever been in my life.

My advice would be to always stop and think, "Do I genuinely like this?" If it feels wrong, just don't do it.
I still have to do this myself every so often.

Thank you both, for the in depth replies. What comes across is that any adaptations have been made by us, the ND community. I hadn’t really though of anything beyond the obvious ie. masking as the person I put out on display to others, to the world. Of course, there are other aspects. So many sensory considerations which I just “do”. For instance, I cannot abide advert breaks in the radio. I listen to LBC and the adverts are constant. I have to switch them off. DH turns them down but I have to silence them completely. If I’m reading a book, I have to be away from noise; all noise.

I detest it when people come up to me when I’m dog walking and I have my earphones in. Sometimes,I’m genuinely listening to the radio or music but if I’m not and people just come up and for some reason, think it’s ok to get a conversation going, I start having an imaginary conversation with myself 😐 I’m ashamed to say, I’d rather pretend to be on the phone than engage endlessly in chit chat.

I’m beginning to think I might be a bit odd? 😂

@AllJustATrialOfErrors I’m beginning to think I might be a bit odd? 😂

Reading this thread is making me realise, with massive relief, that my odd-ness isn't as unique as I'd thought. Hooray!

Welcome my peculiar friend! 😂

I remember I used to explain it to my son as it’s just that “My barcode is different”. We’d draw silly little pictures involving barcodes. Might develop it and do asd greetings cards/mugs and merch 🤔😉

Mmmmmmm barcodes...numbers, monochrome vertical lines...you're talking my language! 😆

I feel exactly this. I used to hate arranging social occasions partly because of different people's expectations of me!

I don't don't know how to be in the presence of another human and not be trying to work out how they're perceiving you and if it's acceptable.

Oh yes, @Bergamotte is spit on. ABSOLUTELY this!

Spot!! Spot on! 🙄

ADHD. Late 50s. And I just I wish I could stop reviewing every social interaction after the event, be it shopping if time with family, to see if, when, and how I said or did something fucking stupid.

I had a revelation the other day when someone at a club in in chastised me for something- which was, they all benefit from my liveliness humour and excitement, so they have to accept that also comes with clumsy phrases or over-ebullience.

Ruminating is a big thing for me too @HMSSophia I’m only too happy to want to go over and over details and events and blame myself. I’ve made a plan to “do less” and therefore have fewer events to worry about! It’s working well though some people in my life say “what have you been up to” and then I feel bad for not “making the most” of every day.

A vicious cycle.

Every single post here is 100% spot on

I so resonate with the feeling "who is the real me?" I feel like my whole life since I was little I have had to act to fit in, to the extent I look back on things I did in my childhood/teenage years and think, "oh I wish I hadn't done that". I genuinely think I could go back now and be much "happier" at school because I would know how to fit in and avoid do things which were "odd or annoying".
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I also resonate with the rumination. I now ruminate on my masking, because I now worry I am evil genius who is quite manipulative as I consciously think, "right I need to act like this in this scenario". Be that charming, assertive, calm and mild, I literally go about my life thinking "I need to be like this when speaking to this person".

I wonder what I would do with all my spare time if I was NT and didn't have to worry/mask/plan/worry all the time.

I genuinely think I could go back now and be much "happier" at school because I would know how to fit in and avoid do things which were "odd or annoying"

See, I'd do the total opposite. I tried sooo hard to fit in and totally lost my own personality and I'm trying to claw it back every day.
If I was to go back in time now I'd have nurtured the real me. I'd have volunteered with animals and gone to groups after school based on my interests. I wouldn't have had any fake friends and forced myself to do things that were deemed popular.

If I went back I’d be kinder to myself. I wouldn’t let my mother put me down for being useless socially nor would I accept her offer of a tot of gin before going out “just to relax (me)” 🙄

Did she? 😳
You poor thing 😔

@ofwarren i get that.

I was horribly bullied at school and was always on my own. I hated school. I know I wouldn’t have been happy, but I think I would have been happier if that makes sense? If I could have almost just blended in and kept my head down.

She did. I was around 13 or 14. It meant I was ok (ish) socially for about an hour but then crashed and burned!

Even now, if it’s something I’m dreading I’ll have a glass of wine before I go. Of course, that plan falls to pieces if it’s an early morning meet.

Just wanted to say a quick thank you for the helpful replies. Have been having a pretty rough time and haven’t come back, as I should.

I think it gives me courage to know I’m different to the “norm” … but I’m not on my own. So many people saying “I’m like that” means a great deal.

Thank you for being kind and offering advice.

@JaggedLittleKrill That is so true. I always end up having 3/4 different birthday events or small evenings so I can avoid having to combine the various forms of myself that I have!

I’m nodding along to every post in this thread, going, yes, yes, yes