Helping child who doesn't understand friendships

[ofwarren]

I'm autistic, so is my eldest and my middle child clearly is but is still waiting for his diagnosis.
He's 8 and really struggling with play times at school. He says he's lonely and feels invisible.

I've watched him try to approach other children and like a typical autie, he's awkward and isn't sure what to do. He ends up getting annoyed because they aren't doing what he wants.

I've spoken to school and they have said that he does play with others and it doesn't seem like they are concerned but he's coming home crying and melting down about it after leaving school.

Is there any way to help him with this? I learnt how to do it quite young but he's just the same as my eldest and is really struggling.

Is there a therapy, a book, a few videos or any advice whatsoever of how to navigate this with him?

This must be SO difficult for you to witness and cope with @ofwarren

I don't have any children, so I can't advise, sorry.

I wonder though, did your eldest child experience anything like this? If so, perhaps you could ask them how they coped, what strategies they applied when making friends, if any.

My eldest wasn't diagnosed till 13 and when this was happening to him, I ended up changing his school because I assumed it was the other kids being mean. The same thing happened at his new school too.

I really don't know how to help him. It's so frustrating.
On the plus side he absolutely loves school itself and is very intelligent.

I wonder, if the school say he does play with others, and he's intelligent/enjoys school, the home time meltdowns and upset are due to him coming away from school, leaving the group of class mates behind, so the change of environment is fueling the upset and causing him to have negative thoughts about no-one being his friend?

I'm probably not explaining this very well .................... but when I was young, at school, I was bullied quite a lot; however, there were days where I was 'accepted'. I didn't want those days to end just in case I went back the following day and the bullies were back in bully mode.

Perhaps he's experiencing feelings like this?

Possibly
I'm going to have to sit down with his new teacher in September and ask her to have a watch of him too. A fresh set of eyes might help.

One thing I learnt recently, is that in the past, autistic people were expected to fit in with society, but now people are recognising that you can make adaptions to help autistic period fit in. Ie. Have calmer spaces, recognise that they can’t cope with a lot of triggers etc.

Therefore, next term, could the teacher talk to the class, explaining how different people approach friendships differently. Ie. Some like noisy friends, others like quiet friendships, nothing is right or wrong.

Not sure I’ve explained myself well.

suggestions

Some ideas here

there's a book that's pretty good called 'the unwritten rules of friendships'

Thank you for the advice
It's so difficult when as an autistic parent you find it hard to navigate these things yourself too.
In the link, it mentions about teaching your child different emotions which I would never be able to do because I also struggle with this. I only seem to have uncomfortable and neutral. I always strive for neutral.
Opening presents comes under uncomfortable
Visits from family come under uncomfortable.
Any kind of surprises come under uncomfortable.

Examples of neutral are stroking my cats, anything to do with my special interest, visiting the farm.
I cannot stand the feeling of butterflies in my tummy, adrenalin moving round me so I strive for neutral.

I've no idea how I'm going to be able to navigate this type of thing with him when I'm shocking at it myself.

Are play dates an option? Spending 1:1 time together in a relaxed environment, away from school and other peers can help forge connections.

Also gaming is quite important in boys friendships if that’s something he’s interested in.

I know ds’ secondary are following a specific program with him and some other kids aimed at building relationship skills - I’m not sure what it’s called though.

I personally couldn't bear play dates. It would mean someone in the house and having to deal with other parents.
I don't mind taking him to groups though because I can just ignore people there

Computer game wise, he does play with one boy from school.

I’m not sure it may help but is there any one “would be” friend you might be in contact with, over the holidays? My son’s 21 now and it broke/breaks my heart that he found this friendship building so hard. There was a brief time, around age 9/10 when he had one friend who came to our home/he (rarely) went to this boy’s house. They just got each other and we encouraged it massively. Sadly, it didn’t last but, it was such a pleasure whilst it did and I use it as an example of “You DID make a friend” when I’m trying to be positive!

Any groups outside school for your boy? Our leisure centre run fitness activities at the park over the summer. When I’m walking the dog, I see young kids doing structured stuff which is directed by the staff. It’s not “free play” like the playground at school, which is so so hard for these children.