I feel so lonely and ‘other’ today

[HappyBinosaur]

I’m dwelling on something that a school mum said to me a few years ago about how I should try to change as a person because I put people off and they avoided me.

Sadly even though I have some amazing old friends that love me as I am, this woman’s words have stopped me making any new friends for years. It made me dislike myself even more because I can’t help the way I am.

The interviewer said similar to me after my last job interview. I was in a min wage admin job and trying to apply for a better job.They sent me a long “helpful” email about how people hire people they build rapport with, not people with the best CV. And my CV is great and gets me the interview but then I put them off by being a weirdo. I make people feel uncomfortable, my eye contact is wrong, I don’t smile or chat enough, when I tried to make small talk it was weird topics and I should stick to the weather, it’s not acceptable that I refuse to shake hands and say sorry my autism makes hand shaking uncomfortable for me. They said my current employer obviously wasn’t picky and just wanted a bum on a seat, but if I was going to apply for something better then I should expect the employer to be more selective and improve myself accordingly.

That was ten years ago. I NEVER applied for another job ever again. It knocked my confidence so much, I basically felt like I can’t change my personality so what’s the point of applying for any other jobs.

@Emarjha I am so sorry to hear that happened to you. It makes me wonder what people are thinking when they say or write things that are so personal. I hope that you do have some people in your life that you know love you and accept you as you are 💐

The woman who spoke to me actually started her conversation with me by saying “I’ve got some advice for you…..” Looking back it was really unkind of her but at the time it only made me angry with myself.

Strangely, deep down I am quite accepting of myself and I feel very comfortable with my closest family and friends. But socially and in new situations I know that I don’t fit in and I exhaust myself trying to be who I’m expected to be.

It is really unkind to do something like that, but I’m sure these people genuinely think they’re helping and correcting us by basically saying “be less autistic”. Because they think we can actually do that.

I greatly doubt that my interviewer would have written to a person with no legs saying your CV is great but it puts employers off when you turn up in a wheelchair, it’s unacceptable that you don’t stand up and I recommend that you learn to walk asap because it makes people feel uncomfortable when you just sit there. But they obviously thought it was perfectly fine to write to me and tell me the symptoms of my disability put employers off and I need to fix them.