This board exists primarily for the use of Neurodiverse Mumsnetters. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful.
Can we talk about sex ….
Dinogirl50 · 17/07/2022 17:27
How do you cope / make yourself want sex with your husband,when it’s easier to just “sort yourself out “
I don’t feel the need for sex ,or want to feel close to him sexually
I do love him ,but I have to be very drunk to have sex
im assuming this is due to my autism,or maybe it’s not ,and your all about to tell me you have fantastic sex lives
I don’t want to be like this ..
I just about manage sex ,but not kissing and can’t manage if he talks or says I love u
i think I’m broken 😢
DinosaurOfFire · 19/07/2022 19:33
Is it possible you are asexual or somewhere on that spectrum? I'm presuming you have spoken to him, and that there isn't underlying abuse/ neglect on his part in the relationship. Assuming you have a healthy relationship otherwise, it could be worth talking with your husband about how you are feeling, what works/ doesn't work for you, etc in a non-confrontational way, and also ask him how he feels about frequency/ types etc. And hopefully between you, you will come up with a solution that keeps you both happy.
Trivester · 22/07/2022 19:46
I felt like that until I met dh with the exception of one other person. I can’t fake it when I don’t feel it, and I suspect that for most people there’s a wider margin. Even with dh I either am in the mood or I’m just not, and he’s pretty special because he never takes offence.
I think it’s quite a dangerous thing (emotionally? Spiritually? Psychically? ) to have unwanted sex, and it’s likely to damage whatever attraction does exist.
Would he be open to exploring what works and doesn’t (is he a safe person to do this with?). There are certain sensations that can kill the mood for me instantaneously.
ofwarren · 23/07/2022 08:43
I am exactly the same as you, always have been.
It is the autism.
I feel so awkward, I don't particularly enjoy being touched or kissed and to be honest I would never have sex again if i wasn't married.
It's a huge issue between me and DH. He brings it up a few times a month, saying I obviously don't love him but I just don't know how to fix it. I do think we will eventually split up over this issue.
When I do relent (I know I shouldn't if I don't want to) he will give me an orgasm manually but the sex part just gives me the ick. All that getting sweaty, sharing bodily fluids and jumping around... no, it's not for me.
So sorry for the autistic oversharing. If I can't say it here though, where else can I say it?
There has been studies that show that asexuality is higher amongst autistic people pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34779982/#:~:text=Asexuality%20is%20a%20lack%20of,and%20repetitive%20interests%20and%20behaviors.
howdoesatoastermaketoast · 23/07/2022 19:16
Certain rooms, certain times, certain positions. I personally quite like scheduling it several hours in advance. I may well keep all or most of my clothes on. I like making a cup of tea before so that's it nice and ready to drink afterwards.
We've been married a long time, if you don't like something tell him you don't like it and try lots of other things. For me the key to wanting more sex was consistently having a good time and not feeling remotely pressured or hassled into it.
Dinogirl50 · 25/07/2022 19:16
I’m glad someone else feels the same ,thanks ofwarren.
it’s nothing to do with position ,or not orgasaming .
when everyone was after boyfriends at age 17 ,I wasn’t interested,
I had the odd date ,and they all gave me the ick ..
smashed of my face drunk I can have sex
but the odd boyfriend who made it to a second date all got dumped when emotions overwhelmed me ,they all give me the ick ,the minute any feelings are attached to the relationship,that was it over .
I’ve not changed a bit since I was 17 in how I feel about it .
i wish there was a pill I could take to change me
Dinogirl50 · 25/07/2022 19:25
Thank god this anonymous
for years I would initiate every Friday night regular as clockwork,to get it over and done with ,so I didn’t have to worry about an advance over the weekend.
years and years I did that ,huge slugs of Bacardi in my coke ,and the stress of waiting till 10 or 11 for the kids to go to sleep ,when I was tired and just wanting to sleep ,but I’d siked myself up ,and been stressed all day ,so I just wanted to do it ,so I didn’t have to spend the next day worrying about it .
very sad ,but what was the alternative.
ive 2 with autism,one of whom will never leave home and needs a lot of looking after ,I can’t manage them both on my own ,neither are in school ,they have home tutors,so I can’t earn ,so I can’t leave ..but I don’t want to leave ,I want to be fixed
ofwarren · 25/07/2022 19:41
I don't think it's fixable to be honest. I've read books on it and tried to follow advice but nothing works because I just don't like it. It's not because I'm tired or bored.
I was the same as you with drinking as it made it easier. I can't drink now because of a stomach issue I have so instead I try hard to avoid it. We haven't done it for months. We have been together for 10 years and we once went a whole year without doing it.
When we were conceiving the kids, I had an aim. I knew I had to do it to get pregnant. I didn't enjoy it but it had to be done obviously.
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