Do you wish your ADHD had been caught as a child?

[OfScrote]

Trying to untangle this spaghetti and I'd really appreciate others weighing in. I'll try to keep it as brief as possible.

Backstory

I'm your textbook case of the girl they missed because she was naturally bright and well-managed who started falling apart at the seams the moment adult responsibility hit and I had to make my own decisions.

Diagnosed mid-20s (I'm 30 now) with combined and I take 60mg Elvanse pretty much daily unless I sleep in / have a write off day / forget.

Problem

DD(12) was finally given her dyslexia assessment report on the second last day of term. 😫

Zero time to discuss it - a quick 10min call which caught me off guard, and since she'll be going to high school in Aug there likely won't be.

Basically - she's been diagnosed with dyslexia but I strongly suspect it's adhd or both. She is 'Textbook' when the book isn't about hyperactive naughty boys.

High intelligence, terrible executive function. Especially working memory / processing speeds.

Obviously this is nothing new, she's exactly the same as me at that age and needs constantly 'managed' even with the simplest things like getting dressed or being reminded to eat or drink.

The problem is I was raised in a multi-gen house, with a mum and two very young grandparents to keep on top of me (strict) whereas I'm a single mother and not half as good at managing her as they were me.

This worries me, and why I'd love a second opinion.

The Question

Would you scrimp and save to find the £1000-£2000 needed for an adhd diagnosis at 12? I think the wait times are 1 year. Either that or we'll do the 4 year NHS wait which should take her up to adulthood at 16. Would you have wished your parents had done it as early as possible for you?

If you were diagnosed as a child were you medicated and how do you feel about it now?

It's really complicated trying to unpick my feelings on this. I have a love / hate relationship with meds. Love having the kitchen clean and the fridge stocked, HATE the fact I can never really enjoy eating any of it.

I frequently miss the way my mind used to work. The way I'd solve problems. Make up entire worlds / fantasy scenarios in my head. I had the sharpest wit. I was 100% powered on my emotions, I'd do whatever I felt like doing in the moment, and while that caused A LOT of problems in my life - teen pregnancy being one of them - it also lead to a fantastic career and a successful business and SO MANY fun memories.

On meds I'm not ruled by emotions. I can deal with the kids being arseholes without snapping and I can date a man without 'catching feelings' within the first 5 mins.

BUT the flip side is i.e I've been dating a guy for 2 months now, he's lovely, I like him, and yet if I heard he's moving to China tomorrow I probably wouldn't feel a thing.

And (for anyone unmedicated) it's not even like you can take days off to get 'the old you' back for a day or two, I just feel exhausted and meh about absolutely everything.

I always describe my adhd as like having a little demon inside me who always needed to be learning and risking and moving and building and fucking shit up.

Hated him, but there was something about the little bastard and if I could only go and live in a cabin in the woods with my chickens and my crossbow we'd have an absolute blast of a life.

The world I'm living in dictates he's in Elvanse Jail. At least until the apocalypse / societal collapse.

Conclusion

I don't think I'd have wanted to be diagnosed at 12. It was the responsibility of adulthood in this day and age (having to choose my children's school dinner every individual day 2 weeks in advance while making sure the Swim Kit is emptied on Wednesdays and oh shit it's 11.40pm on Tuesday night and the costume's fucking stinking and why aren't you in bed yet?).

I feel like the changes they're making with extra time and laptops etc for dyslexia should be enough to get her through high school and yes she will probably struggle and no she won't meet her full potential - but I left school at 16 and traded uni for a creative / hands on job and STILL outearn the vast majority of my friends who DID GO 15 years later?

Does it even matter if I can help her start a business or do what she actually wants to do?

I'm sorry this is sooooo long. Even if nobody can read it, it's been somewhat cathartic letting it all out 🙏🏻

Do I wish I was diagnosed at school? No because not getting diagnosed has lead me down my path, to my husband, my daughter and Career choices. I wouldn't have it any other way now.

However I've been sad and angry over this. There could have been a lot of support given and everything was right there in my school reports (poor homework effort, if I put as much time into work as I did daydreaming, so much potential to do better etc. luckily my mum saved them all for me to take to be diagnosed!)

There could have been so much support in place to help me and for that reason if I suspect my child to have the same difficulties I would 100% do everything in my power to get a diagnosis and help to support her. Her path isn't set yet.

How did the testing for dyslexia come about? How is she feeling about school? What are her challenges?

You’ve written a lot about your experience and your life, but I think what matters most in this decision is how your dd is managing. She’s not you. That sounds a lot snippier than I’m intending but what I’m driving at is that we’re very empathetic and tend to run everything through the filter of our own experiences. It’s also important to take that step back and really listen to her.

What supports will be available to her with her dyslexia diagnosis? I know organisation challenges are part and parcel so some of those needs might be met in school. (I know you don’t really know yet, but these are the kinds of things I’d be considering)

Like you I did well in school but then the wheels came off and I’ve carried enormous shame about that for years - my life is defined by hiding my incompetence. I think I’d have found it an enormous burden to carry a diagnosis as a teenager, but I needed way more emotional support and scaffolding as a young adult and having a diagnosis might have helped then (probably not considering my actual circumstances but it’s nice to daydream about it).

There’s an argument to be made for having a diagnosis in place before the shit hits the fan so you’re not waiting 12-48 months for help when you need it most. There’s nothing to say that you have to start medication right away.

Sorry - I’m just rambling and really no help to you.

We just paid £800 to get 12 yr old DD diagnosed. She chose meds but suspect she'll also choose when she takes them. I want her to succeed at school as she's extremely bright but won't excel at exams at 16 otherwise. But she's so unique and mad and funny I don't want to take that away either.
I think I have adhd and yes my life could have been a lot less messed up if people had understood why I was the way I was.

Thank you for your very honest post. I'm going to be trialling meds very soon and really interested in your experience.

After I was diagnosed a friend of mine told me that meds are for keeping people in a box and making us fit in with 'normals' (he's not a native English speaker so this is less harsh than it sounds). So essentially he saw it as medicating ourselves to make other people's lives easier.

He took amphetamines for 2 years but they interacted badly with an underlying medical condition he had. We both worked in fields where those mad creative leaps help. He decided to stop medicating as many people do.

The trade off was he was very alone in the world and could not for example live with anyone else. His impulsivity has cost him a lot of friends and caused issues with seniors at work.

So yes I think your post is really honest and insightful. Thank you for it.

(Ps: I'll come live in a cabin 100m from yours, ok? 🤗)

Sorry that was a very ADHD answer that went off on a mad tangent. But I understand the dilemma. We're waiting for an assessment for a child here too and I've often wondered will it define her sense of self negatively OR be a really useful tool for understanding herself.