ASD, ADHD and PND looking for support

[Haveasecret]

I was advised to come here for support. I have a thread in aibu ( im sorry I don’t know how to link it).

Im struggling with PND making me feel worse than usual . Not sleeping well, can’t mask anymore etc. i am going to see the gp but I think I’m just really overwhelmed and relying a lot on my dh for help. I have to focus so much energy or ‘spoons’ on things that I run out or because exhausted so early each day. My family live abroad so not much practical support.

i also have selective mutism and I get chest pains and neck and head pains when very stressed and occasionally migraines. I feel a total mess 😞

I replied on your other thread too, but wanted To come on here too, which is a safer space as you were getting a bashing from people with 0 understanding.

i was the worst with my autism in the first 12 months after diagnosis. I think it brings the fatigue and the effort and the masking into razor sharp focus and you just can’t keep it up like you did before as now you know why it happens and can’t justify forcing yourself anymore! I think it has more mute episodes in that year than any other time in my life.

I promise it gets better with time. Accepting yourself and working out who you are with the diagnosis’ is a process/a journey. Use it as a learning tool as much as you can rather than a label/excuse.

Accept you won’t get it right everyday. 5 years on I still have days where I’ve done too much by 2pm and have to play survival games to get to the end of the day. Try different coping strategies- ones you like the sound of and ones you don’t, be open to trying other people’s techniques also- give them a go but move on if they don’t work. For me having an action plan of what to do if I hit burnout in various situations usually prevents me from getting there as I know I have a safety net. You will find ways to make it easier for yourself, you will get better at making it through the day. I can now accept the bad days because I have plenty of good ones too.

mainly, give yourself a break. You were born this way, you are exactly the way you are meant to be. It’s not your fault we live it a world not built to our needs, anymore than it’s a wheelchair users fault if they can’t get in a building without a ramp.

Hi op, I briefly read you AiBU but not the whole thread.

What does a typical day look like for you at the moment? And do you have any outside support (GP/psychiatrist etc.)

PIL and DH aside let's just talk
about you for a moment.

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. This is a much safer place to chat.

I don’t sleep well so get up v early most days. Have to get ready for school run .

Days are just usually at home, if I can manage I take youngest out. Park or a group which mentally is exhausting Some days I batch cook and freeze for awful days when I can’t cook.

i have a gp appt tomorrow

Also selective mutism is such a big problem for me lately I need some help
with that- would that come under speech therapy ?

I'm not sure about the mutism as it's not something I'm familiar with.

Hopefully the GP will be understanding for you tomorrow- keep us update how it goes. have a look at private if you can afford it, it's not great waiting times in the NHS for help.

Regarding sleep - take a look at good sleep hygiene tips like switching you phone off 8pm (clearly I failed that one this evening ) and reading a book in bed. Making the bedroom more comfortable etc. I know I feel so much better after a good night sleep.

i think sleep is a big problem and I need to sort that out as I am so tired physically now as well as mentally.

My other thread is just starting to upset me so I might step away as I feel like the views of my PIL are shared by a lot of people (PIL who last night contacted my dh to offer that he could take the dc and move in with them as they think I’m ‘no good’ for him or the children, that’s clearly what they think is support)
Plus I think some posters think I can just try harder and I’ll be fine but I have been trying I can’t work out if this is depression autistic shutdown.

Im going to look at private help I think it’s quicker like you say

re : selective mutism I feel I may have had this sometimes as a child alongside a terrible blushing problem but it seems to have returned and is really bad at the moment I need help with that as a priority as it’s difficult even at drop off and pick up or anything I do and it’s like my brain freezes my vocal chords I can’t get anything out

I’m going to abandon my other thread as I’m getting told it’s shyness not selective mutism and I’m feeling fragile anyway so it’s not helping over there. I think i should have posted here to start with

I think it does sound like shutdown to me, based on the way it presents to me personally. I get the muteism and this god awful exhaustion where I can't even think straight. Like major brain fog, wading through treacle type thing.

I treat mine by lots and lots of rest, and it does go eventually. Difficult in your situation with a baby though.

How old is your baby? I really don't want to read your other post with the horrible people on it. Don't feel you HAVE to take them out if they are very young. Bathtime, playing on the mat, reading to them etc all helps and you can recover at home.

You mention neck pain, I get that too when very stressed. I follow some videos on YouTube to stretch them out a but and that helps me. In fact, I use YouTube a lot for things. If I'm anxious I will watch a video where the therapist talks you down from a panic attack and I use ASMR videos to sleep as I feel calm with visual stims such as fast hand movements.

Keep talking on here, join in posts. Everyone is very supportive.

Ask mumsnet to delete it, unfortunately there are a lot of people in this world that do not understand mental health or neurodiversity. They won't change unfortunately so there is no point arguing with them. I've been attacked on another forum so understand how upsetting it can be - they really are just keyboard trolls a lot of the time

Yes I’ll do that or hide it if that’s still something I can do with threads I think I misjudged where to post as I didn’t know this but would be a better place

I’ve self referred to my local home start today I’m hoping that may be something helpful in that it is someone who will come round once a week and that might take the pressure off dh even a tiny bit

That's a really good idea.
I knew a woman who used to use them and said they were very helpful.

I was just thinking if I tell them by email before then if I can’t talk it’s ok - they’ll know but it’s someone different so maybe it’ll help me gain confidence and the website said they can help with going to groups etc so if they know and I take dc and I can’t talk it’s someone else there who isn’t dh so reduces pressure on him

I’m going to look for private therapy as nhs ones are either non existent or huge waiting lists in my area.

homestart said I’m on their list as a priority

PIL are being awful not supportive not understanding telling dh to leave me. That he can ‘do better’ that the kids will both be better off if he moves in with them. He has said one more time and he will block them but hoping it doesn’t come to that

Before I give any advice I just want to say that you should feel free to disregard me if it isn’t helpful.

Based on my own experience sleep is incredibly important - much more so than is generally recognised. It’s the keystone - the whole arch falls when the keystone crumbles.

So I think you and your dh should look at ways to prioritise sleep for you. I’d go so far as to say put money into buying you more quality sleep instead of therapy at this point.

That might mean hiring a teenager to play with the dc for a few hours on weekends to help your dh, or him taking the kids out for the day, or getting an overnight sitter…. whatever works for the family, but the sim is to get you stretches of restorative sleep.

I have a suspicion that sleep deprivation is significantly worse for ND brains.

I don’t know what’s already been said on the other thread (for my own mh I try and limit my exposure to the MN ableists) but there is a significant interplay between female hormones and adhd. ADDitude has some excellent articles and podcasts on that optic if you were interested.

Also there’s a much broader understanding of the spectrum of hormonal imbalances both pre and post partum podcast

I find it very useful to look at research like this because it helps give me the language to advocate. It hasn’t been my experience that health professionals know what they should, or look beyond their own narrow specialism , so being armed with research and facts can be half the battle to getting the right treatment.

Your Pils are appalling. I had hideous post natal anxiety and one of obsessions was that my baby would be taken away, and I’ve been a bit triggered by your posts even now. Back then that could have tipped me over the edge.

Just want to add that Matthew Walker’s book “Why do we sleep?” might be a good read/listen for your dh as he is quite heavy handed on the dangers of not getting enough sleep.

It doesn’t mention ND but it’s fascinating all the same.

Agree with Trivster here. Lack of restorative sleep ended up with me having a total breakdown and then getting diagnosed. I can't function without it. I lose all my skills.

One more thing to bear in mind is that everyone finds motherhood really hard but other people mean hard as in a 4 on a scale of 1-10 and you’re up at a 9. And if we assume we’re all talking about the same thing, then we feel even worse after reaching out because the message is try harder/stop being a snowflake/ you’re just dramatic.

I’m paraphrasing Patricia Sung who has a podcast on mothers with adhd.