Intolerance of routine?

[TheLeadbetterLife]

Hi everyone,

I've come to realise recently, partly through a lot of reading and partly thanks to this board, that I am ND in some way - possibly both ADHD and ASD. It's been a huge revelation and explains so much of my past and present behaviour (as well as that of some of my family members, who share a lot of my traits).

I wondered if anyone else has an intolerance of routine? I see a lot of ND people saying that breaking routine is a problem for them, but I feel somewhat the opposite. If I have anything regular scheduled I get quite uncomfortable about it, like they're leaping out of the diary at me and I have to fight the urge to cancel them. It's the same even with day to day activities like feeding pets, cleaning teeth etc. I do them of course, but if I feel on edge about them being at a specific time every day.

For things that I can mentally categorise as less than essential, like exercise, or watering plants, I will often go weeks or months without doing them at all, then have a spate of being more regimented. Inevitably, the plants and my health suffer as a result.

If I have a meeting or appointment coming up, I find it hard to get anything else done that day until it's over. It's like these things take over my brain.

Does this resonate with anyone, or am I just a lazy sod?

That sounds rather like “demand avoidance” which can be a trait of some types of autism. I think it’s anxiety-based.

Oh god, I just did some cursory reading on demand avoidance and that's exactly it. That's how I feel, and have done all my life. It's made so many things difficult for me over the years.

I do it and it's definitely anxiety based for me. Doing nothing feels safer.

<preen>

Now you have a direction of travel! The Elizabeth Newsome centre is the main research centre I think. And a lady called Sally Cat writes about it too. I think it’s way more common than we realise but ND people suppress it and then it pops out, in a big “well fuck you im not doing it.”

(a friend tells me)

Yep, I positively hate routine of any kind, a lot of what you've written totally resonates. Really struggle with any things that have to be done, brushing hair and teeth, making packed lunches etc etc. I'm exactly the same with appointments too. When I had to work evenings my life was an absolute nightmare. Diagnosed ADHD

Was also going to say pathological demand avoidance. We all hate doing stuff we don't like but PDA is at another level.

Well this is the thing, it's not even stuff I don't like! Often it's things I do like. It can be absolutely anything.

Thank you @Nobheadex I will start doing some research and see what I can do about it. I'm 40, I've been living with this for decades and never gave it much thought before. I just assumed I was a bit lazy and / or flakey. Though I'm not lazy when I'm actually doing something - I tend to be the one putting the most effort in.

If I have a meeting or appointment coming up, I find it hard to get anything else done that day until it's over. It's like these things take over my brain.

Absolutely agree with this bit. I want all appointments/meetings etc to take place in the morning. If things are booked for the afternoon, I can't concentrate or focus on anything else beforehand.

I have diagnosis for autism and ADHD (combined type).

Yes! My whole day is wasted if I have an afternoon appointment. I can't concentrate on anything else.

That 'paralysis' is so awful isn't it @ofwarren

And worse still, when, for example, people say they'll call at 2pm and by 2.30pm, you're STILL waiting. It really pisses me off. It's SO anxiety provoking 😩

I bloody love this board for when someone articulates something so clearly that I only had a fuzzy awareness of.

Yeah. I reckon there is a bit of demand avoidance in my autism.

Also find this. But no ADHD just autism

Well needless to say this has been preoccupying me relentlessly since I posted yesterday.

I've had a concomitant thought and wondered if this rings true to anyone else:

As I briefly mentioned above, when I actually do get round to doing things, I'm never half-cocked. It's all or nothing, even when it comes to quite small or minor tasks. I rarely seem to be able to phone it in, even when that would be a good thing (because not everything needs loads of effort).

This is not a stealth boast, because overall I've done (and do) fewer things than most people, because of the avoidance.

I also sometimes get unreasonably irritated when other people do things half-cocked, even though I can objectively recognise that it's absolutely fine for them to do so (I keep these thoughts to myself, of course, I try not to be a dick).

I wonder if there's some sort of relationship between these two behaviours? Almost like my brain and body only has so much energy to devote to tasks, and because I devote too much energy (especially mental energy) to things, it leaves less energy for getting quantities of things done? Is it poor use of resources?

I'm overthinking it, aren't I?

Nope not overthinking at all. You’re describing hyperfocus. Utterly obsessed vs completely disinterested.

Thanks, yes that also rings true, and had already read about hyper focus. I'm working on starting a new career in which the way my brain functions is a benefit, rather than something I have to struggle against.

That sounds great - there are so many up-sides to neuro divergence but they get lost in a sea of trying to fit.

I agree! I see now that the reason I am good at project management is hyper focus. I absolutely obsess over the details, anticipate problems in advance, and play out scenarios in my head with all the different people involved.

What I have to incorporate though is the need for extensive downtime after a project. I've burned out a couple of times in the past through not realising that I can't keep up that level of intensity all the time.

It remains to be seen if I can actually make a living this way!

Oh yes burnout is a thing! Really happy for you though!