I feel I have nothing to offer someone in a relationship

[garfieldfan22]

Im 38 and newly diagnosed with ADHD. As a result of being diagnosed late in life and a disability which I have since I was just 19 years old, I also have a lot of trauma. I have been unable to hold down jobs for very long because of the nature of my disability.

I think what complicates things even more is the fact that I'm gay. I really like someone right now and I know she has been through her own mental health struggles but has always managed to hold down a job. I tend to beat myself up a lot for not being able to do this and for having so much trauma.

I keep asking myself what I possibly have to offer someone even though logically the flip side of myself tells me that I'm kind, caring, empathic and loving, but it's almost like I cah never over ride my feelings of being deeply inadequate due to both my ADHD mind and also my long term disability

I also feel like I have nothing to offer in a relationship. But I’m past caring. I’m shit so if I restricted my relationships based on whether the other person benefits from me, I’d basically have no relationships. I have relationships for my own benefit, not for the benefit of the other person. So whether I have any value to the other person is irrelevant. My relationships are based on how they benefit ME and what the other person offers to ME.

Once I hit my 40s I discovered that I didn't actually want a relationship. Life is hard enough without having to navigate a romantic and/or sexual relationship. I don't see how anyone can offer me anything rather than the other way round. Society seems to expect people to be in s relationship and at 38 there are misconceptions about getting older, biological clocks ticking, left on the shelf nonsense etc. Screw expectations I say and live your life for you. What would someone else bring to your life? That's the question to ask yourself.

Does the woman you like like you in return?

I’m married for over 15 years and my default setting is that I’m a terrible partner, but my dh doesn’t think so. I tend to put him on a pedestal and see all his best attributes but none of my own. I’ve heard a few people talk about that (I’ve listened to hundreds of podcasts on adhd so I’d struggle to pinpoint which ones) and it seems to be quite common.

Do you think you’re being too hard on yourself?

For some people those things you’ve described would be relationship deal breakers. That doesn’t mean that they would be a problem for everyone. But even if you were “perfect”, there would still be people who wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with you. We just need to keep trying until we find our perfectly imperfect match.