Can’t do school run due to autistic burnout

[PearCherryApple]

I feel a total failure 😞

for years I’ve done it but struggled and I just can’t anymore. It was never great I’d be anxious and stressed spend ages preparing to leave the house and still be rushing.
hate the noise and crowds hate talking to people etc etc
baby always cries in the pushchair it’s just complete sensory overload twice a day.

i can’t do it anymore so dh does it or I book wraparound care so that if I have to it’s at a quieter time . I feel so frustrated at myself and I want to be able to do it effortlessly but I can’t.

in some ways though it has relieved my overall stress as I’m going through a period of burnout at the moment

there’s no real point to this other than I feel like I need to offload as feel guilty I can’t do it.

Have your children got autism ? Three of mine have ,but only 2 have diagnosis.
i would speak to school and explain,they might let you bring the children in early or late by 10 minutes? It might help…
I found my childrens school really helpful and understanding

Deep breath.

DH is doing it or the wrap around.
This is totally fine.

In time when your feel you can, speak to the school and ask for either abit earlier or later drop off. (I know afew who do this) and it makes such a difference.

Don't feel guilty. Your child/children would rather have you happy than stressed I'm sure.

School runs are sorted, have some time to yourself and in time you will do it.

I think the worst bit is that I want to be able to do it. I hear and see parents walk past my house at those times of days and I wish so much I could do it happily and effortlessly I think I feel a real sense of longing but the reality is when I attempt it I’m overwhelmed and sweating and stressed out within minutes.

i know I’ve put in place a system that works but it’s that expectation I had of myself to be able to do it. I just feel rubbish

Yes dc are happy and oblivious I suppose that’s what matters plus the less stressed I am the better things are for them

I can't do the school run because I've broken my leg in three places and now need to use a wheelchair....(not really but the response to physical disabilities is a lot more forgiving/understood than Nd/mental health/unseen disabilities)

Be kind to yourself, you have come up with a solution, and yes I know that we all are really tough on ourselves and tell ourselves we should ..(insert something such as be less disabled)

It looks like you have a good solution in place with your DH doing the school run and wraparound care to give you the quieter time to do drop offs/ pickups. If you ever do need to do the school run (eg. DH ill/ no wraparound) perhaps you could think about how it would work better for you? I know plenty of parents who also hate this time of day but have to do it every day. They all wear dark glasses and don't engage in chit-chat and get in/out as quickly as they can.

It sounds like you've found a solution for now.
How old is your DC? It may get much easier. When are they allowed out unaccompanied? Mine is 9 and now walks home (though admittedly this is small village and he doesn't have to cross a road).
Others wait at various points so not necessarily at gate but a little further along.

Also, what are you expecting from the school run? Is it just how busy it is or because you feel you should interact with other parents? Finding your spot to stand and accepting that a wave is all you need to do may also help.

Is the child care okay for you financially? Not sure from your post what it is you want to change or why? Just because this feels something you 'should do'?

I am so impressed with your post. You recognised a problem and came up with a fantastic solution of DH or wrap around care. You arent failing at all but doing amazingly well.

I think it’s a combination of it’s wha is ‘acceptable/the norm’ and I want to be able to do it.
plus I’m quite lonely and I wish I could talk to people like I see others doing it seems to really highlight my differences and then I feel bad about myself.

i grew up in a home where the attitude took my issues was very much an exasperated ‘please why can’t you just be like everybody else!’ and ‘just act normally for once’ attitude from dm so I think that’s shaped my thoughts around things I should be able to do and when I can’t I feel a failure

Thank you I suppose this is how I should view it rather than being so negative about myself

I also think that you are amazing OP!

You did a good thing here OP. You were struggling,massively and took the measures needed before it really affected you or your kids. That is a good thing.

If you really want to do the school run,or work on it... baby steps. Pick one day a week where you either do drop off or pick up, whichever is less stressful for you. Then try and time it so you are 2 minutes late (normally schools have a time frame window) so all you do is send child in/pick them up. If that kind of precision is too much, just aim for the right time and wait in the car or away from the big crowds. As you get more comfortable and get a routine set and working well, then you can build on it. You can always look out for other parents on the "fringe" where you can try a smile and hello,or a bit of small talk.

The aim isn't for you to be "normal", the aim is for you to do something you want to do in a way that you are comfortable with and it's not causing you distress.

I think it’s a combination of it’s wha is ‘acceptable/the norm’ and I want to be able to do it.

whose norm? whose acceptable?

as I tried to put before but was a bit shit at explaining. if it were a visible physical thing, there would be no shame in it. the invisisble physical, the ND and the unseen brain chemical things are somehow deemed lesser...

I wish we could change the narrative.

Well done you for solving a problem, this is really good to model for your children too. I find the school gate exhausting (am one of the dark glasses people) and partly for my other health reasons sometimes have to make different arrangements for a while. It's hard unpacking the messages you have been given as a child and how that impacts on how you feel what is unacceptable/the norm.

I find it next to impossible to take my needs seriously, even when I’m doing no one any favours martyring myself.

The nearest I can get to self care is driving to collect my dd (and that makes me feel like an environmental criminal) so I don’t feel so overloaded that I need distance from my own dc in the first half hour that they’re home.

I think your solution is a great one, and I’m betting it’s a net gain for your family.

As ND women the burden of womanning is so heavy. It’s ok to let this one go.