A life misunderstood?!

[allofamuddle]

Apologies in advance for the very very very long post. Thanks in advance to anyone who gets to the end, or who finds the time to reply!

I am feeling completely overwhelmed, and questioning everything I have ever understood about myself, but unsure where to turn.

I think I have combined type ADHD, but I am not sure, and I am not sure what to do next - do not want to waste money looking for a private assessment and not sure if I will get signposted to more counselling and anti-depressants if I got to the GP with concerns about my mental health, again.

Basically, I have lived an adult life riddled with anxiety and low mood. I have panic attacks, live in a constant state of fight, flight, freeze and in a state of overwhelm and stress. I have had numerous counts of CBT, talk therapy, mindfulness, yoga etc to support managing my mental health and stress management. I develop a toolkit for a short while, or I feel better for a brief period, then fall back into old habits.

I have always put my state of stress, anxiety and stress down to my perfectionist streak, people pleasing, living in a marriage with a narcissist and emotional bully and also my childhood trauma ( chaotic household, alcoholic mother, debts, constant moving house and schools) I also experienced sexual abuse as a child from a family friend.

I now fear that my mother's inability to cope and reliance on alcohol may be due to her undiagnosed ADHD.

As an adult I constantly run at 100mph with hundreds of tabs open in my head, constant chatter, I cannot settle to a tv program or a book or ever ever relax and unwind. I am always distracted to find something else that needs doing. never sit down - my daughter is always asking - what are you doing that now for??! I will go to the kitchen to collect the calpol and she will come down and find me cleaning the drawer of the washing machine, that has been long neglected for years for example.

I interrupt people at work when talking, talk ridiculously fast and overshare at inappropriate times

my car is covered in scrapes and bangs, run out of petrol on country lanes and I have been caught speeding 3 times and written off two cars in my adult life

I have constant migraines and headaches and find sleep unachievable. But then on the other hand I will sometimes do nothing, for hours, or days and completely come to a grinding halt - particularly worse when in school holidays ( I am a teacher) and I cant find the get up and go when I do not need to leave the house by 7.30, finding myself in my pyjamas at lunchtime with no awareness of where the morning has gone. Is this just normal adult stress?

Parts of my life are in complete dissarray - my car is filthy and full of rubbish, wardrobe spilling out and kitchen cupboards a disaster zone, but on the surface everything has to be just so. People always comment on how neat and tidy and clean my house is and what a beautiful home I keep.

I smash phones by leaving them on my car roof and driving away, I leave my lunchbox everywhere at work, along with photocopying, my cardigan, my keys -it is a running joke - but I am also known for my organisation, and if something needs doing, ask me. I am a massive yes person, always taking on something else that needs doing and strive to be perfect in everything, and constantly feel a failure.

I am in masses of debt from impulse shopping, being disorganised with bills and returning things and bad household management

I binge eat.

I catastrophise. Everything. All the time. Make a tiny mistake at work and then spend days searching the internet for evidence that will mean that I will lose my job, my home and my children.

All of these indicate to me that I am possibly ADHD.

But as a child I was a massive striver, successful in all my exams and degree and every school report was glowing with how hard I worked, how reliable I was, how studious. I was not described as a daydreamer, or a chatterbox. I am not an underachiever. I know that adult ADHD assessments will look for these as childhood indicators.

My memories of childhood were a constant state of am I doing something wrong, am I going to get in trouble, am I doing the right thing, does this teacher like me, are they pleased with me. I lost things, a lot. But always got my work done and managed myself well at school. Was I masking? Or is my adult life problem not ADHD?

I recall making many impulsive mistakes as a teenager - drink, drugs, promiscuity, losing things, stealing - was this as a result of chaotic childhood? Or impulsive behavoiurs.

Are my adult stress, chaos and anxiety due to working full time in a stressful job as a single parent with two children and a less than easy adult life?

Do I take this to the doctor?

Do I put a private assessment on my credit card?
I have no adult who can be my supporting person - everyone describes me as a people pleasing, hard working, high achieving reliable adult. Nobody knows the chaos under the surface or the stress and constant state of sheer panic that I am in. The doctor keeps trying to give me sertraline and tlak therapy as a result of my childhood abuse and abusive marriage = putting my current state down to that.

Don't know what to do or if I am barking up the wrong tree. HELP!!

he doctor keeps trying to give me sertraline and tlak therapy as a result of my childhood abuse and abusive marriage = putting my current state down to that.

My experience is exactly the same - doctors trying to put everything down to 'anxiety'. I don't have advice as I am in a very similar boat, but masses of sympathy .

Sounds exhausting. Sertraline is great for anxiety, which a lot of what you've written, sounds like. Go see your doctor.

Am I barking up wrong tree with adhd? Is this ‘just’ anxiety?

I'm not a doctor. Go and speak to one.

The problem is, you go round in circles with the NHS. They arranged for me to be assessed by a therapist for psychiatric help - I was asked lots of questions about my 'anxiety' - I didn't mention possible neurodiversity - and then the first thing the psychiatrist said to me after that was 'have you been diagnosed with autism'? So I then had to explain that I was seeking diagnosis, but they wanted to treat my 'anxiety' first. The psychiatrist then said the waitlist for adult ASD assessments was so long I would be better off going private.

@allofamuddle There are online tests for ADHD - obviously they are not a diagnosis but they can be a useful tool for talking to your GP about your symptoms. I am seeking diagnosis for ASD rather than ADHD so I can't recommend one over another, but if you google 'adult ADHD test' you will find several options. I would suggest taking an online test and seeing where your score lies, and then printing off the test and taking it with you to a GP appointment, and see what they say.

I would be wary of booking a private assessment without research as to whether they are reputable and transparent with fees - also I'd be very wary of it putting it on a credit card given the cost of the assessment, because the cost will only cover the assessment, not any follow up therapy/meds and if you are liable to spend impulsively you might find yourself throwing more and more money at this.

My daughter was diagnosed ADHD combined last year at the age of 24. She's super smart, intuitive, a bundle of fun and energy but struggles with her working and long term memory, racing thoughts, organising her day to day life...food prep etc, hates driving as she speeds and rejection sensitivity. Her diagnosis has been very positive for her in terms of understanding herself (she said up to then it had felt as though everyone else had been given a guide on how to live life and she hadn't). She was diagnosed privately with a clinical psychologist (we're in Ireland). She tried meds but didn't like the side effects (but she's open to trying them again in the future if need be) and is now working with a psychologist which she is finding very beneficial.

She has found the podcast 'ADHD for Smart Ass Women' helpful - there's an episode on how to prepare for meeting your Doctor. She listens to them at x1.5 or x1.8 speed. I've also listened to the podcast and found it really useful in understanding ADHD,...maybe it could be a starting point for you.

There's a whole community of brilliant ADHD women out there- maybe connecting with them will give you some of the support you need.

Thank you so much dreams, I’ll look at that!

board, I have done those assessments and score really highly. Just worried it is trauma behaviours not adhd and not sure what avenue ti explore…. If only you could see one person to assess the whole of you not go down certain pathways!

Are you me?

I’d put my life on you having ADHD but I’m not a doctor - although I feel confident I know more about ADHD than the psychiatrists the NHS employs!

My (limited) understanding is that a high IQ can help children / young people mask ADHD symptoms and the. things fall apart as they get older.

Also, have you thought about a dual diagnosis of ADHD and ASD? That might be a better fit for you.

I'd with writing a list of what areas of your life are affected (your post is a good start!) and email to your GP to ask for a referral.

Good luck

You sound like me a year ago. The best thing I’ve ever done for myself in my life is to find a counsellor that I really click with. I paid for one privately and she’s helped me so much, she’s helped me to calm the relentless, anxious, chatter whirlwind that was my mind. I know it isn’t an option for everybody but would it be one for you? I haven’t pursued a diagnosis in the end, I might in the future but I don’t feel like I need it anymore.

You are me - completely me right down to the sexual abuse, the parent alcoholism , the relationship with a narcissist issues - I actually read your post and wondered when I had posted it suchis my current distrust of my memory and racing brain etc etc. I've just been diagnosed with severe combined ADHD and CPtSD with existing depression and anxiety Co morbidities ( along with migraine, restless legs, jaw clenching, and a whole host of other stuff) l I'm awaiting meds for all. Fingers crossed as right now I'm at my wits end with a life long struggle of consistently battling panic, depression, perfectionism, all or nothing mindset, guilt, impostor syndrome, poor self image etc etc etc

Just worried it is trauma behaviours not adhd and not sure what avenue ti explore

The two are not mutually exclusive (although it seems impossible to convince the NHS that you can be neurodiverse and have suffered trauma!). From your OP it sounds as though interventions based on the idea this is trauma behaviour haven't been helpful, so it is definitely worth at least exploring the possibility that ADHD is playing a part.

Thank you all

ive downloaded the adult assessment forms and I score highly in every category for attention and hyperactivity as an adult, but the questions on childhood don’t allow for masking snd internalising so that not coming up as over 6 traits.

I’ve booked a gp appointment and I’m going to take it from there.

feeling a little wrung out from the soul searching this week!

Today I heard from a colleague that for the past week had not responded to my email. My catastrophising and rejection sensitivities had managed to manifest that to me having made an enormous mistake, I was going to be fired and then homeless. I had even been searching the government records of struck off teachers.
she was just busy and hadn’t had time to respond properly and was very apologetic.
oh my brain

Best of luck with your appointment. Take a copy of your tests with you. Referrals seem to be something of a postcode lottery, so galvanise yourself.

Also collate some examples such as the catastrophising/rejection sensitivity you've talked about and you will need to make it clear these behaviours were part of your childhood, even though you were masking a lot.

Got to try get through the crazy triage system first and get to see a doctor or face to face!
stage one…. Nurse phone call 😬

You may well have ADHD but could you also have CPTSD (or CPTSI I think some people prefer to call it) as someone mentioned above. That definitely isn’t “just anxiety” and it probably won’t respond to a standard depression/anxiety approach. A lot of what you mentioned checks the boxes for that. You can have both.

Have a think about your childhood. I thought I couldn’t have adhd because I did well in school, but the more I thought about it the more I could see going on.

I used to doodle, had a repertoire of hidden fidgets, read on in my books, was often bored in class but hyper focused on staying still or daydreamed while keeping half an ear open. The structures of school helped me stay on track.

For what it’s worth I think you have adhd.