Social Services

[user685949292]

I am a hair’s breadth from reporting myself to Social Services but actually what can they do? What do I want from them?

We live in what most would describe as squalor. I’ve tried everything to try & keep our home clean and tidy like a regular adult but I can’t do it.

If I had a physical disability someone would help me but because (to others) I should just be able to ‘learn strategies’ etc there’s no support.

My children shouldn’t have to live like this but I don’t know how to fix it. Everything is so difficult because of the mess.

Other than the usual suggestions of TOMM etc is there anything I can really do? Is there anyone who can help me?

A couple of other tips that have helped me.

When cooking start by filling the sink with hot, soapy water and wash things as you go. Don't save them all to do at the end. This might seem obvious but it never occurred to me until someone told me.

Second, have a motivator you enjoy. For me it's playing a certain computer game. So I break tasks down into manageable chunks and reward myself with 15 minutes of computer time after each one.

Would a structure work? If you know when your bins are collected make sure you have a clear out in time. Even if this is just going round with a bin-bag scooping up random rubbish like the loo roll tubes the day before. Do you eat in the kitchen? Keep all used plates etc there and walk round collecting random glasses and mugs once a day. Agree with washing up while you cook and plates when done. Even small children can help you collect up stray mugs, help wash up and it will instill a good habit for them. They can also help sort washing ie. Pairing socks, colours and pass pegs and clothes to hang out.

Wipe the bathroom over while they are in the bath. Even keeping kitchen and bathroom surfaces clean and rubbish put out would be a good start.

You're hugely overwhelmed due to the sheer massiveness of the job. You look at it, think there's way too much to control it and shut down.

Pick a corner that's irritating you the most. Move 5 things to where they should live. When that's done, it's a success. You've started small. So this as often a you can bear or cope with. Never go above the 5 things, as then you'll overwhelm yourself again.

Once you're able to do this, you can introduce it to the kids. Always go for small victories that are manageable.

I also introduced the rule to never leave a room empty handed, even if it's just putting a sweet wrapper in the bin.

You can do this. It'll take time, but you really can.

Refer yourself to Early Help….you wouldn’t meet the threshold for a SW but an Early Help may be beneficial for you

Do your children have clean clothes to wear? Is the kitchen sanitary for cooking? Because it is neglect otherwise and SS should offer you support.

I don't think it's necessarily an ADHD thing. My sister's house is very much like yours, though she lives on her own so no partner or kids to worry about, and she doesn't have ADHD.
About once a year I go over for a couple of days and help her sort it out but within a month or so it's as bad as it ever was.
I give her lists of stuff to do - one offs or daily/weekly tasks - and it always starts well but she just can't keep it up.

With her, I think it's down to depression.

PS you'd be able to find a cleaner who would help you sort it out without too much difficulty.
Depending on your budget I'd suggest one room at a time as and when you could afford it, then engage a regular cleaner to help keep on top of things.

Sounds like your just overwhelmed. Small steps if you can't tackle it in one go .
So one load of washing goes in every day , get a bin bag set a goal twenty pieces of rubbish a day . Start in one room tidy and clean for 30 min a day . Once you can see headway it won't seem so daunting

Well in my case I happen to be diagnosed with ADHD so here it is an ADHD thing - it’s not a coincidence. Not sure if I’ve missed your point.

Thanks again for all of the helpful replies! I think is all tasks and achievable goals definitely need to be my starting point.

For this week I want to try to -

1. Make sure the living room floor is clear before bed every night so that the Eufy can do it’s thing either late night or early morning.
2. Bring all cups and plates down from upstairs and not take any back up all week.
3. Keep the bathroom floor clear of washing, empty loo roll holders and empty bottles.

I’m aware how basic all of that is and most people wouldn’t even need to think about it but for me it’s a start!!

Sounds like a good start to me . You will soon get a routine. And once you have one area clean it's easier to keep it clean.

Thank you!

It's a good start. Just don't add too much in. You can do this!

"Presumably this is an ADHD thing so does anyone else get this - just this need for perfection? I am a complete perfectionist sitting in an utter pigsty of a house. "

For me, I have OCD and ASD (probably ADHD too, but that isn't officially diagnosed), but when the OCD was diagnosed I was living in squalor. My therapist did explain that I want it perfect, and I look at the sheer mass of tasks that are needed between squalor>perfect, and as it's too much I shut down and do nothing.

What isn't foolproof, but has helped me, is I picked a time of day when I am generally free and set up a calendar of recurring tasks in my phone/iPad. Then every day I get a reminder of what needs to be done, and I do it straight away. My DC reaching an age where they can be in charge of dishes also helped massively, but I don't have a suggestion to cope until yours get bigger for that!

Getting on top of the daily trudge of ongoing tasks then helps me to look at the bigger tasks as less daunting. So every so often I can say "right I need to sort out clothes and get rid of some" without falling behind on the day-to-day chores.

Another easy tip, every time you leave a room pick up one thing that shouldn't be there and take it with you (back to the room it belongs in).

At my very worst, when my boys were toddlers, I contacted a declutter person in my area from this website.

www.apdo.co.uk

The lady charged £30 an hour so certainly not cheap, but it changed my life. My house was finally tidy enough that I was able to maintain it.

The lady said she gets hired by the council to help hoarders and people that cannot tidy themselves. Perhaps you can find out from social services if they could put it as part of your care package?

www.currys.co.uk/products/zanussi-zdm17301wa-compact-dishwasher-white-10154246.html

Could this table top dishwasher fit in your house?

OP, a bin in the toilet for empty bottles and loo rolls?

I have audible credits and have just ordered this.

I live in clutter and very likely have something neurodiverse going on, but not enough I feel it worth trying for a diagnosis, though if I get to an anxiety/depression state where I need medicating again I might say something.

DD2 is about to be diagnosed with 'cluttering' language and fluency disorder, often with other diagnosis of ADD/ADHD/ASD, which she almost certainly has which is unrelated but very ironic.

Off the back of this thread I have put all of my shopping away. Usually a bag with bits I haven't got around to sits on the floor for a few days weeks usually a couple of tins of sweetcorn, or a multipack of crisps for school lunches, and I take one a day out of the shopping bag - and then leave the empty pack there. I need to do something as I'm very avoidant of tasks most of the time, and my DDs are turning out just like me.

I know this is easier said than done, but you need a huge clear out. Put 90% of your belongings into storage/the loft.

Then, long term, have only one mug each, one plate each, a couple of outfits. You’ll save yourself getting so overwhelmed.

The right medication will almost certainly be the answer to your prayers. What's the story with you getting medicated?

I was prescribed Concerta for ages and it helped but wasn't quite what I needed. I swapped to Elvanse a few months ago and...wow. Life changing. I'm never going to be one of those clean freak Hinch types but my house is "guest ready" probably 90% of the time now, never cluttered and reasonably clean. And it all feels really effortless. Push for medication OP.

On a post it note write a short list, stick it up somewhere you regularly go, (by the kettle?) tick off as you go, once all is completed bin it and next day repeat. Stick it up in the morning and aim to have everything ticked off by the time you go to bed. Don’t go mental and write shit loads of jobs or you’re setting yourself up for a fail then you definitely won’t stick to it!

Just pick what you want to do for that day and make a deal with yourself to complete it before the end of the day.

It will help you to get on top of things, then once you are, even if it takes weeks! Then you can come up with a new structured plan with certain jobs done on set days. I don’t know say for instance, bathroom Monday, floors mopped Tuesday, beds changed Wednesday etc etc.

Sorry you’re struggling. My ds has severe adhd and honestly I can know how stressful life is.

What’s the situation with medication if you don’t mind me asking?

I forgot to add, I was a right messy bugger without meds too.

You may have a hoarding disorder which is a frequent comorbid to ADHD.

Do you find it difficult to throw things out?

SW isn't worth the risk.

Home start is great if you can and get a good person.

With DC's there are online tools which can help you to prioritize what is mess and what is neglect.

I'd suggest a list of absolute red lines eg

• kids uniform all clean, dry and put away by every Sunday night
• kids bedsheets washed and put back on minimum 4 weekly
• nothing mouldy in the kitchen
• kids eating off clean plates and using clean cutlery every night

-bins out as soon as full

If you have a pre school aged child you'll still have an allocated health visitor. Try them for signposting.

I find the best way to keep the house clean is to minimise time in it!

Services might not provide cleaning bit they could provide additional childcare in circs like this.

I am a complete perfectionist sitting in an utter pigsty of a house

It's not uncommon; you want to do the whole house / room / deep clean etc but that is overwhelming so you don't do any of it. I have to fight against this mindset a lot as I want to do a perfect job where actually a "just good enough" job would be a huge improvement.

I have about 6 loads of clean laundry in my bedroom, for example. I need to put them all away but can't summon the energy to tackle all of them. But if I just do one or two piled, it WILL make a difference - even if that's all I do this week, I'll only have 5 or 6 piles next week rather than it increasing to 7 or 8!

Same principle with the washing up. You don't need to wash up everything. If you empty the sink, fill it with hot soapy water and wash up for 10 minutes, you'll make a significant dent. The kitchen sides may still have more piled up - but you'll have something to eat off of, & you might even have room to move all the cups etc from your bedroom.

Laundry. Most of us only have one machine and a constantly full laundry bin. It is a constant unfortunately. If you have the energy, try sorting what's on the floor into carrier bags (I find a bag of life holds around a load) - stick one on, and then the others are ready to go, rather than getting mixed up again, and not getting walked over.

Sounds like a family support worker for a little while is what you could do with. As others have said you aren't into social worker territory but an outsider taking a look at what's going on could probably help. They can also advice on getting kids involved. School should be able to help. Most of ours have someone who acts as a bridge to SW. Some even have in house family support workers.

And what really helped me was a set of cheap bins/boxes in each room. One for rubbish, one for recycling, one for washing up, one for things that ought to be somewhere else. You can even have one for things that are on the floor but shouldn't be. It doesn't look pretty but for me it worked.