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I am having that thing where I will run away
ENoeuf · 26/04/2022 07:33
Have you done this? I’m there now. Like you know your mask is slipping/people are beginning to exclude you and at the same time your internal clock has reached the ‘they will be bored of me now’ point so you start noticing ‘signs’ and decide to jump before being pushed? I have that rising panic at the moment and im
not sure what is causing it but I feel like I’m going to do something drastic like hand my notice in and never reply to emails again.
i used to do this with social acquaintances when things started feeling weird.
Greensleeves · 26/04/2022 12:26
I have done this all my life. Lost countless friends this way, some of them very good friends whom I miss greatly and feel awful about hurting. I have a precious few friends left, who are like me, and understand my weird cycles of rejection sensitive dysphoria (a term I recently learned, and it blew my mind), and am very grateful for them. I'm sadly not very open to making new friends these days, as I know how it ends.
No advice, as I am the last person you want advice from 
but solidarity and 
ENoeuf · 26/04/2022 15:36
Hi both, I think the trouble is changing jobs fixed it for a while but I don’t like full time as then people get to know me more quickly and I feel they will dislike me sooner.
there’s something wrong and I don’t know what but I feel like I need to jump ship from somewhere.
glad I’m not alone it’s a really weird vibe.
ENoeuf · 26/04/2022 19:25
I think it’s learning from history? Someone on here said they recognised the moment things change - I think for me I can’t keep up the mask for ever (maybe months?) and then if I get good feedback I can’t replicate it (because I don’t know what I’m doing right or wrong for the NTs!) so I get stressed and try stuff that might be the thing I did right 😁
Greensleeves · 26/04/2022 19:29
ENoeuf · 26/04/2022 19:25
I think it’s learning from history? Someone on here said they recognised the moment things change - I think for me I can’t keep up the mask for ever (maybe months?) and then if I get good feedback I can’t replicate it (because I don’t know what I’m doing right or wrong for the NTs!) so I get stressed and try stuff that might be the thing I did right 😁
I recognise what you're saying about the moment things change. It resonates for me in that I've also left countless jobs (as well as friendships, and groups) because I started to "fuck up" in small ways, started feeling like people were side-eyeing me and being disappointed that I wasn't what they thought I was. It snowballs, I retreat and withdraw and make even more fuck-ups because my nerves are shot, and eventually that's another job/hobby/friendship run into the sand, and I have to start all over again. I wish I had some advice for you, but I haven't solved it myself, other than to stop trying 
ENoeuf · 26/04/2022 19:36
Greensleeves · 26/04/2022 19:29
I recognise what you're saying about the moment things change. It resonates for me in that I've also left countless jobs (as well as friendships, and groups) because I started to "fuck up" in small ways, started feeling like people were side-eyeing me and being disappointed that I wasn't what they thought I was. It snowballs, I retreat and withdraw and make even more fuck-ups because my nerves are shot, and eventually that's another job/hobby/friendship run into the sand, and I have to start all over again. I wish I had some advice for you, but I haven't solved it myself, other than to stop trying
ENoeuf · 26/04/2022 19:25
I think it’s learning from history? Someone on here said they recognised the moment things change - I think for me I can’t keep up the mask for ever (maybe months?) and then if I get good feedback I can’t replicate it (because I don’t know what I’m doing right or wrong for the NTs!) so I get stressed and try stuff that might be the thing I did right 😁
Yes - you are me! Congratulations 😂
that’s it , I have a mini sand timer ticking down to when my ability to be ‘normal’ runs out - either because they’ve clocked it or I just get exhausted. And then I read too much into things, try to make things right, over think etc and it becomes a truth.
Greensleeves · 26/04/2022 19:38
FWIW I've been told by various pissed-off ex-friends that it was all in my head and it was me who tanked the friendship. Knowing that doesn't stop it happening, unfortunately. It's such a powerful feeling of naked, raw inadequacy and fear, nothing seems to interrupt the cycle.
Kwackerly · 26/04/2022 19:52
Me too! I am just pulling out of the nosedive, I know talking to a few people who I do like and trust helped me see it was my thoughts turning inwards and not an actual thing that was happening, am trying to focus outwards and on other people and doing my job well and with integrity and it is helpful. I don't know if it will help you but really recognise that fear, I hope you can push through but solidarity if it gets too much, it has for me in the past.
ENoeuf · 26/04/2022 20:20
So interesting, I’m sort of glad I’m not alone. But it’s definitely a ran out of road feeling - I deliberately do things that are weird really to others so don’t help like work part time, avoid lunches out at work, turn down invitations, because I’m scared they will ‘see’ through me more quickly. Like I ration myself.
Scooby5kids · 26/04/2022 20:38
I don't work but I can really relate to the cutting people off when things start getting weird. I think the comment that @Greensleeves said about the RSD is definitely true. For me it can just be something minor that triggers it and it seems to hit the nuclear button in my head and I can cut people off really abruptly and coldly. Then I reflect on it afterwards when they're gonna and I regret being too hasty 😕
Scooby5kids · 26/04/2022 20:40
Scooby5kids · 26/04/2022 20:38
I don't work but I can really relate to the cutting people off when things start getting weird. I think the comment that @Greensleeves said about the RSD is definitely true. For me it can just be something minor that triggers it and it seems to hit the nuclear button in my head and I can cut people off really abruptly and coldly. Then I reflect on it afterwards when they're gonna and I regret being too hasty 😕
When they're gone* sorry predictive text error
Scooby5kids · 26/04/2022 20:54
I had a really weird fall out with a close friend about 3 years ago( but to be fair it was actually something she'd genuinely done that was really hurtful) in the aftermath I got it into my head that she would be telling all our mutual friends and poisoning them against me, so i just went through my social media and removed every single mutual friend and haven't spoke to any of them since. Some of these people I'd know for a number of years and I really liked them. I deleted and blocked about 20 people. I wasn't obviously bothered about most of them but there were about 5-6 people were genuinely really lovey and I don't know why I did it now, but at the time I just couldn't bare the idea that she was friends with them and possibly talking about me. I still feel really bad
ENoeuf · 26/04/2022 21:02
I got it into my head that she would be telling all our mutual friends and poisoning them against me, so i just went through my social media and removed every single mutual friend and haven't spoke to any of them since.
this really resonates - it’s similar to me planning to hand my notice in and avoid contact. I’ve also blocked people or cut contact for reasons that no one would understand.
SwimBike007 · 04/05/2022 10:47
Does it help to recognise it as fight or flight kicking in and by default you go into “flight” mode? It’s been a common theme in my life before what I now know is burnout approaching, instead of flight mode now I try go just step back and take decompress time reduce social contact get some fresh air & exercise and repeat in my head “this too shall pass” it’s helped me cope a lot better with life stress recently. I’ve got a 3min mediation thing on anApp too. Ironically I couldn’t ‘see’ or recognise any of this until my youngest DD started to display all these behaviours then the penny dropped for why I find some things so very hard.
ENoeuf · 09/05/2022 21:03
I feel like it’s happened now, where I’ve done something actively to make it go wrong (I sent an email). Just that knowledge that you are pointless in the group and something happens that really hits that home so you make it worse by being too sad to interact properly and then you do something that brings it all to an end. So it’s another failure.
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