What is it like being an autistic mum?

[DisorganisedAlways111]

I'm currently 28 weeks pregnant.
I wonder what I'll be like as a mum. I have an image in my head, but have no idea what it'll be like in real life!
My wife has said she thinks I'll be very loving, caring and emotionally supportive but that I'll find the practical things really difficult (this is the area she is best at. She's more organised and practical).
How has it been for you?

I find it very hard. I want more alone time and quietness than I get. In the early days I had a nervous breakdown because of the constant noise and constantly being touched and never being left alone. Now my son is four and he’s able to play by himself or watch tv with headphones on, so I cope a lot better. He goes to nursery and that alone time keeps me sane. When he starts school I’ll have even more alone time. I know some mums lament their children growing up but I’ve never felt that at all, I’m just glad he’s not on top of me so much. The biggest problem is that as an autistic person I have no friends so I’m not able to provide him with playmates or organise play dates. He’s alone a lot because of my autism and that makes me sad.

Try not to be too hard on yourself there. I know I'd find it really hard to go to playgroups and socialise with other parents etc. that's the part my wife is very excited about as she loves chatting to people so she usually takes the lead there and will likely do the same when the baby is here.
If it wasn't for that, I'd struggle to get out there and meet people with the baby.

I'm not diagnosed but as a parent of ND children I have gradually realised I am almost certainly ND myself. Which explains a lot.

I massively struggle with relentless noise and lack of alone time. Also not very sociable and am sure my kids do miss out as a result. But - I don't lack empathy and am loving and very much able to be a good mum overall. I have just had to work on strategies to manage my own difficulties and recognising them massively helps with that.

You are in a very good place in having a supportive and involved other parent. I reckon that makes all the difference.

Parenting is never a wall to wall bed of roses but you sound very well placed and able to be a fab mum!

I absolutely adored the newborn days! The noise never bothered me, it was like having a really cute pet that I had to look after and I love pets.
As they get older, I've found it more difficult. They are more erratic, more defiant and you have to talk to them even though some days I struggle to talk at all.
I find that I don't have much left to care for myself as all my energy goes into keeping them well and entertained. It's very stressful.
I'm also not a hugging/kissing person and I have to force that so that they don't feel unloved.
I liked to go to baby groups when they were small but I kept myself to myself. Now they are older, they don't have playdates because I can't stand having people round my house.

That sounds awful doesn't it!
I'm going to list the positives so I don't just sound like a bad parent.

We bedshare and they love that

Lots of my special interests are "childish" like Disney and we bond over that

I'm a very relaxed type parent and don't get angry at mess or if someone is having a bad day.

My 2 ND kids have their sensory needs met as much as I possibly can because I totally understand how it feels.

My constant inquisitiveness means they also learn a lot.

I think this is just a 'what's it like being a parent' question tbh. I didn't know I was autistic when mine were younger, in fact my eldest was 20 when I was diagnosed, so I was just a mum. I'm unbothered buy a lot tbh and I'm very relaxed and aware that we work with what we have and do what we can, and don't think about what anyone 'should' be doing at x/y/z stage - I do have 3 ND children so I learned to relax and go with the flow. Unfortunately I'm hugely empathetic which means I feel everything so that had been hard, I could never understand how some parents just let their kids do certain things without being worried or concerned at all. I'm very huggy and naturally say 'I love you' to them all the time but when too many things are going on at once, even now I have to take time out. DH is very good and will send me away to bed for an hour or so if I need to reset.

Ds1 had adhd and a pda profile, so it was extremely difficult caring for him. I ended up with a severe anxiety disorder and then started with panic attacks and needed medication. No help from the NHS or Local Authority for his ND. Ds2 had aspergers and was a walk in the park compared to ds1. I had to draw on all my internal coping mechanisms and resources to raise ds1 and he's an adult now and doing way better than anybody thought possible (first class Oxbridge degree, Masters and a good job in London now).

I found the sheer relentlessness of having to be okay each day was a strain. Schools have a lot of stupid bureaucracy you need to keep up with. It can get very tiring and demoralising, not to mention boring and repetitive. I think you have to learn to look after yourself, make time out for yourself and take meds if necessary. I found the baby stage super easy and cute. Toddlers are intensive and never stop. Once they can talk to you and express themselves it gets a bit easier.

All in all, I'd say it's been a real roller coaster, but I've survived and am immensely proud of both of them and their achievements; it makes it all worthwhile.

I've always been fiercely independent. We re-located when I was pregnant and I gave up work. I hated the lack of financial security so went back to work when my LO was 9 months. She's now 2.5 and we're aware that having two people who work is counterproductive and the house is never as tidy as we'd like, no one gets enough rest and I'm not the parent I want to be as I'm too distracted/tired to be picking my LO up then making bread together or just cooking together on a regular basis like my mum did with me. This means I'm now scaling back my hours and am trying to make peace with this and the lack of career progression.

I wasn't a fan of the baby stage as it felt like I was dragging an inconvenient lump of flesh everywhere. Parenting started to be fun from about 18 months in and at 2.5 her personality is really started to show and she's great company. We like a lot of make believe so making dens, creating potions and camping on the floor with the star machine on. My LO is already a fan of the theatre so we try to book a show and go to a restaurant for lunch at least once every two months.

If I had another baby I wouldn't sign up for termly baby classes as you don't know if there's going to be enough of your type of people to make it enjoyable and could be throwing your money away. I'd focus more on church groups that are PAYG, as well as the free sessions at the local library.

Mums have had their DC's removed from their care due to services lack of understanding of neurodiversity.

But that's far from inevitable.

Like NTs some succeed, some don't. But having awareness is a really good positive start.

Doesn’t exactly encourage people to get diagnosed, does it? Who’s going to pursue a diagnosis if their kids are going to be taken away?

@ofwarren
You absolutely don't sound like a bad parent. I can see where you're coming from.
I'm not huggy with anyone - except my partner and my dog! But I feel I would be with my baby. I don't particularly like other peoples children, which might sound awful. But I have no desire to pick them up or cuddle them, or even speak to them! But I think I feel differently with my baby as I speak to my bump often and she isn't here yet.
I do have some concerns. Mainly about the practical things as I don't always think of them!

@BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation
That sounds like it was really difficult for you. I'm glad things have worked out well for you, but it certainly sounds like there were tough moments.
One of the things that I've been wondering about is the time for myself. I feel I really need downtime. Sometimes I'll go to a different room to my Partner to read or just have 'quiet time' and I'm wondering what that will be like with a baby.
I'm also mindful of the big changes in routine and what that'll be like.
I am really really glad to be pregnant and having this baby. I'm over the moon excited about it. But it is a lot of change isn't it.

I have another perspective. My Mum has ASD and tbh it's has deeply affected me.

I am now mid forties, 3 kids, great job, great home, lovely DH but I still feel so sad that she needed all that distance from me and that I wasn't taken care of as I should have been.

Although I was housed and clothed, I was utterly emotionally neglected and I had to be very independent from a very young age and ended up working at 15 and leaving home totally at 18. I missed out on so much because of her - no emotional support, no advice or guidance on life at all. Medical issues I had were just left as it was too much for her to deal with. I grew up feeling very anxious and unloved.

I don't doubt that I have done well because of this but I so badly want a Mum who makes me feel loved and wanted.

Thing is, there are tonnes of mums who aren't autistic and are emotionally unavailable. It isn't limited to autism.
I know another autustic mum who has 3 children and she is absolutely amazing with them, best parent I've ever seen.
Emotional unavailability is not inevitable, in the same way being a loving hands on parent is not inevitable when you are NT.

You misinterpreted me. I didnt mean women get diagnosed then discriminated against.
It doesn't matter if there's a diagnosis, many ASD traits make parenting tasks much harder, as evidenced above.
Actually having a DX may help professionals give more leeway.
Without DX many are just labelled 'bad mums'.

I’m not sure people
want another perspective on this board to be honest. Your post just feels like another thing to worry about whereas I was happy to chat to others about our difficulties for a change. That’s why I don’t join in on Chat or AIBU because I respect that those forums are designed for free chat between anyone.

I love my dc, am invested in their education, interests and well being. However I do need time alone in the evening, every evening. Before being diagnosed, I assumed all parents needed time alone. When my dc are up late I am close to boiling point. I will stay up late to have me time.