Partner supportive 99% of time - 1% awful and it’s upsetting

[NotthesameNotok]

99% of the time DP is understanding of my struggles/issues etc

But sometimes (I suppose if I’m particularly hard work or having sensory overload or a meltdown ) he isn’t and he snaps and it literally destroys me.

He will say he wants me to be normal , wants a normal partner or that everyone else’s partners can do things I can’t and he wants that.
Once also called me a really unpleasant name

So in 10 years that’s 4 or 5 times so not much really BUT it cuts so deep it hurts my feelings and I can’t forget

I don’t know what to do. In some ways I’d rather be alone or do I have to accept how hard it is and how frustrating it is for a NT to deal with this ?😢

Basically is this the best I can hope for ? I suppose the huge majority of the time he helps and makes allowances but these outbursts really really hurt my feelings so much

Perhaps you need to try and open the lines of communication more to find out if he's really believing these things or if it's frustration or what. I think it is possible to love someone and have a good relationship and still harbour critical thoughts about them, but if it spills over into resentment then that's more serious.

I think there's a difference between occasionally having critical thoughts about them, and telling them you with they were "normal". He sounds borderline abusive tbh.

I agree with Barrow, I think you need to talk to him and tell him how hurtful you find it. If he still can't cope with that then I'm afraid it will be a time for a rethink of the relationship 😟

I believe in the principle that zero is the only acceptable percentage of abuse in a relationship.

I would say that my dh is hugely lacking in understanding of my issues, but he’s a very decent, supportive person. There are times when I could go with him doing x instead of y, and times when I push my needs to the side because he isn’t seeing them. So there are compromises on perfection. But he’s never been nasty, or unkind. In a way, the fact that he doesn’t “other” me is a good thing.

I think what I’m trying to say is that there is likely to be some kind of compromises in relationships, but I don’t think abuse is inevitable.

I also want to add that those things he says are about him, not about you. He is triggered in some way - perhaps feels helpless that he can’t fix things for you, or perhaps recalling a childhood experience etc, but it’s his issue to resolve.