I don't feel relieved so just feel like I'll always be a disaster

[FMLpassthegin]

So I had a psychiatric assessment because my therapist suspected there was more to my issues than just depression/anxiety/SH/ED It lasted just over two hours. In that time an ADHD full assessment was carried out and it was confirmed that I scored high on both types of ADHD. She then said it was imperative that I go back on AD's, and then start medication for ADHD and that I continue to see her for follow up as she is not convinced that along side this isn't a personality disorder. Her concern lies in the risky side of my impulsive nature especially in low mood and high anxiety. She actually asked if I shouldn't be an inpatient to which I said no.
I expected that maybe knowing that I had ADHD would make me feel a sense of relief and able to be kinder to myself as to why I find so many things difficult (losing things, forgetting stuff, focussing, being bad with money, struggling to start things, losing myself in things, being chaotic, over compensating, always scared of getting something wrong, feeling I don't fit inetc). I spend my life setting crazy high bar goals to prove I'm a competent or valuable human being, to try and raise my low esteem. It never does - it's always sn anti climax but I fixate on the process. But after the assessment I've come away feeling a failure, feeling unfixable and feeling like the whole assessment was someone listing out all of my character flaws - I was basically a yes to every single thing. I feel Such a loser and so pointless and so flawed and basically crushed. It wasn't her intention she was just laying out her findings and pointing out what help I need or what the next steps are as that is the psychs job. But shit it hurts?! I've tried explaining that I got this diagnosis to family and they have totally dismissed it as "oh everybody has ADHD - just pay a psychiatrist and they will tell you what you want to hear" - I am meant to get them to send in some extra info on me but the thing is I think they are all the same and see our traits as normal? I don't know who what the hell I am or what to do? And I feel utterly shit and pointless and like my kids and the world deserve better. Rather than making me feel relieved (which I think my therapist thought sending me for a psych assessment would do) I feel crushed and even more worthless and just more of a shit human who has no possibility of winning at life? I feel like I'm a statistic that is going to end badly. Did you all feel better for diagnosis? Am I nuts for feeling this way?

I have adhd and scored highly on all factors in the assessment. I went through some diagnosis grief, but it does get better. I started off feeling angry and sad that nobody paid enough attention to pick up on it, despite there always being palpable frustration at me for not “applying myself” or “meeting my potential”, then I was frustrated that it was something I’d always have and always need to manage, that I wasn’t like everyone else and that things couldn’t just be naturally simple. But after a week or two I managed to move on to acceptance and some self compassion. I started to see the things that I’d achieved despite being undiagnosed and unsupported, and I realised that’s so much shame I carried for messing up opportunities and some social difficulties and problems that I’d caused myself weren’t really my fault, I hadn’t just been lazy or disorganised or dysfunctional.

If you can try to take one thing from this it must be self compassion. Be kind to yourself, drop the self criticism and learn how to give yourself the space (and TIME) that you need to manage your life and achieve what you want to achieve.

And definitely start the process to get medicated for ADHD, it is life changing, you will see benefits really quickly. And my mood has improved so much just having the capacity and motivation to do my day to day activities in the home and at work. I am happy and alert and a much more positive person now. Sparkly, in fact!

The diagnosis grief is normal, but you must at some point, turn it into acceptance and start looking to manage your life through the frame of having ADHD, rather than frustration and anger at not having the standard issue brain.

And ignore your family and their opinions. You can’t control other peoples opinions but you can control how far you allow them to penetrate under your skin. I’m willing to bet the consultant psychiatrist and the therapist are both far more qualified than any member of your family in this particular arena.

You don’t need their validation to make your diagnosis real. They can believe what they like, but this is your one life, the only one you’ll ever have and you can choose whether to listen to them and stay in this funk, or go and make the best of it with the new knowledge you have about yourself.

Thanks for your reply - being kind to myself does not come remotely easily. I knew the second I read up on ADHD that everything I was reading described me. But I am struggling to want to continue being me - this over anxious constantly stressed person who cannot accept not being perfect or something because I always need to prove something to myself to compensate for all the ADHD things in me that make me feel inadequate. The part I'm scared of is also how much this will cost? I had a private appointment and whilst depression/anxiety management is covered for a number of sessions under insurance, ADHD and it's medications are not and I apparently can't switch to NHS for the ADHD meds: I was under the CMHT for depression but if I continue with this consultant the NHS CMHT will drop me. But I have no idea how much ADHD meds cost and if I can afford them? That in itself is stressful. Money is tight in my house as it is. I feel such a freakin' drain on society and like maybe I am more trouble to fix than is worth it. I know as a mother that everyone will say that the worst thing I can do as a parent is give up but I feel like it's all just going to get more and more snotty and everyone is eventually going to be sick of this person that can't seem to get her act together. I don't want to be the friend that is a 'drainer' - it's not who I want to be. Or the one that they see because they 'should'. I'm sick of being a wobbly egg!

Getting medicated privately is pretty expensive. I can only speak for the service I’ve used (the ADHD centre). My medication review appointments (over Zoom) are £215 each, and then the cost of a private prescription for Elvanse is between £85 and £95 at most community or supermarket pharmacies. So my monthly cost while going through titration has been about £300, but I’ve only needed 3 of those.

My first month I did a week on 20mg and then moved up to 30mg for the rest of the month. Then the second month I changed up to 40mg, did that for a whole month and then had another review appt where we agreed I was comfortable on that dose and he did another prescription for 40mg and we agreed he would do the paperwork for the Shared Care Agreement to be sent to my GP for my surgery to start prescribing it, so I can now start getting it on my normal repeat, and I have an NHS prescription pre-payment certificate which costs me just under £11 a month for all the medication that I’m on.

Under the terms of the shared care agreement my GP has to check my blood pressure, pulse and weight every six months, he cannot adjust my medication, only continue the existing dose. Any changes, side effects or adjustments need to go back to the private psychiatrist which will obviously mean I start incurring costs again. And I do have to have a review with the psychiatrist once a year.

I think I could possibly ask my GP for a referral to the NHS adult adhd service in this time period so I could be seen by them and maybe have all my care transferred over to the NHS, but I don’t know if I’ll pursue that for the sake of one appointment a year.

I know it’s a lot of money, but it isn’t forever, and everyone in your life but especially your household will benefit from you being medicated and in control of your mental health.

You’re not a wobbly egg, you’ve been trying to fit a round peg into a square hole, over and over again and have a lifetime of frustration and trauma from doing that. You’re a totally worthy investment of your time and resources and you deserve to feel better.

Thank you for being so kind and actually gentle. I'm sort of shocked at my response to all this, I just feel so gutted. And worried I'll make the wrong decisions. I'm worried if I continue with the private route that I might not be able to afford it but am also aware that the CMHT are likely to ignore anything to do with the ADHD issues. I think some of the depression/Anxiety/mental health that excludes ADHD can be covered by insurance and the anti depressant recommendation can be taken on by my GP. So the prescriptions for ADHD meds are for how long at a time? Ie is a £95 prescription for one month or longer? I guess in the initial short term I can do it, but I can't imagine spending that kind of money monthly for life? Do you build a tolerance to it? Ie what happens if you hit the maximum dose and have nowhere to go? That's sort of what my experience is of anti depressants - that if I've hit the maximum dose and still feel crappy and anxious I have felt that there is no point in continuing them - but then again maybe that's because I haven't had the ADHD medication to help alongside them? I'm so sick of not being 'good enough' , I should probably re phrase that as being sick of FEELING not good enough. I'd love to be able to focus better, not seem so rude and unaware when I tune out. And I'm sick of being such a procrastinator that just ramps up my stress levels and yet ironically I only have myself to blame. And I wish I was more patient and less 'frank' all the time. And I'm sick of feeling like a burden or someone that people worry about because I can't seem to find myself on an even keel or see myself in the future because all I see is incompetence and experience life feeling an imposter, a fraud waiting to be found out.

It won’t be for life, as soon as you’re on the right dose the private psychiatrist will set up a shared care agreement with your own GP so it’d just be a normal NHS prescription charge after that.

It sounds like you’d really benefit from give them the medication a go! It will help your focus and your alertness! It seems like there’s nothing to lose from how you feel now, in just giving it a go.