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Struggling to cope
ZenKaleidoscope · 10/04/2022 07:33
I've been feeling suicidal (no plans or intention) for big chunks of the day for the last few days.
I've got a very stressful and upsetting work thing to deal with even though I'm on annual leave. My parents are here who moved abroad. They are taking up too much time and energy. My husband seems to dislike me. He's depressed due to his dad dieing a few months ago. I don't think he sees a future with us together anymore. This is so painful for me to write. I always thought we would be together forever.
This is all too much. I don't know how I'm going to find the time or the energy to do the work stuff when I don't have support from my husband and things are so tense with my parents.
I had some time alone the other day which was good, I cried in bed and spoke to Samaritans. I feel like im at breaking point.
BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 10/04/2022 10:46
I would second that advice about meds and some sick time from work. The meds will help you cope and they have the effect of detaching you from your problems a bit so that they won't be so overwhelming.
Could you confide in your parents and seek some support from them?
It sounds like your dh might benefit from a trip to the doctors and some meds as well. A parent dying is upsetting, but he's not processing the grief if he's become depressed about it. It is natural to lose ones parents at some point during our adult lives. He has a responsibility to address his own mental health needs so that you can continue in the relationship if it's not too far gone.
ZenKaleidoscope · 10/04/2022 17:35
@BlackeyedSusan if i still feel like this after they've gone then I will consider going back on AD again.
I'm self employed buy this stressful bit of work I really need to do as someone is depending on it. I did actually get to send off the bulk of the work before we came away. So that's good
Yeah @BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation in need to give my husband an ultimatum he can choose out of counselling, couples counselling or AD. But not sure if the choice is those or us splitting up then I'm not sure if thats much of an incentive for him. I think he'd like our relationship to die a slow death.
ZenKaleidoscope · 11/04/2022 13:32
My husband said it was a bad idea to go away and I said it's hard for me to hear you say that everyday, he saw me get upset and said sorry. This is such a small thing but it meant so much to me. I don't think he's realised how much he has been getting me down.
I just need to keep carving out time away from my parents and make plans that suit me otherwise I will go under.
Thanks so much for checking in on me. It helps a lot. 
LadyCordeliaFitzgerald · 11/04/2022 18:02
Don’t underestimate how much of a strain your dp’s visit has put on you, and on you both. This is probably as bad as it gets - and you’ve still managed to connect with each other despite the fact that you’re both carrying burdens. Hang in there lovely because it’s going to get better.
ZenKaleidoscope · 12/04/2022 13:38
I got out early in the morning just with my boys. My excuse was that it was going to rain soon so didn't have time to wait until everyone was ready. It was so good going out on my own with them.
I bought and cooked lunch. So tired now, little one got up early. He's having a nap now so maybe I'll have one too.
I have to actively not think about the hopeless conversations my husband I have been having. All that stuff has to wait.
The work stuff is still a bit looming.
LadyCordeliaFitzgerald · 12/04/2022 16:44
Well done for getting out for a bit. I love that you managed to turn the rain into a positive, at least for a little while 
It’s not easy having so much lurking on the edges of your mind. It drains off huge amounts of energy because you’re primed but not able to actually do anything.
I hope you managed a nap.
ZenKaleidoscope · 13/04/2022 10:27
It's overcast. We have just packed up as checking out from here and checking in someone where else this evening. We have to wait here for another hour as I need to be on call for the stressful work thing. I have a tightness in my chest as I'm on edge about it.
My husband has been talking about how he needs to have a holiday on his own. Now I think that's a great idea. I know that when I have grieved someone the best thing was for me to be on my own in the country side. So rationally I think it's a good thing. But my RSD is activated when he talks about it. I feel so rejected by it, it physically hurts. I mentioned to him briefly that I think it's a great idea but i feel rejected but that is my issue not yours.
I think I will feel better if he tells me he needs this holiday to help him grieve. Rather than because he wants time away from me.
Anyway what are you two upto today? Thanks again for checking in on me. It's helping me get through this.
BlackeyedSusan · 13/04/2022 12:55
I hope you are on your way now.
Second big meltdown of the school holidays. Hangry. Been fed and is upstairs. I need to venture upstairs and work. Eek.
I used to say I needed full ice hockey goal keeping gear minus the skates...but things are mainly just loud now.
Must get round to learning how to put a door back together....
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