If your DP / DH / DW ND as well?

AshGirl · 2022-04-09T06:46:21+00:00

If you have one? I saw a comment somewhere that partners of ND types are likely to be either ND themselves or to see themselves as 'carers'. This seemed very patronising and a bit unpleasant but I'm interested in others' experience. My DH is very likely ND but also a really caring type who is brilliant at supporting me - better than he is at supporting himself!

Mummiepig · 09/04/2022 08:27

I have asd and probable adhd, my husband is an introvert but I would say NT, he does take on quite a carer role, but I don't mind and neither does he so it works for us.
He is better at organising important things like the mortgage and insurances which I would find overwhelming and he will do all the talking at hotels or restaurants as I can do it but he appreciates that its easier for him than me, we've been together a long time so he instinctively knows my needs, if we are going to a new restaurant he will go in first, as I dont like opening doors, he will speak to the waiter first, if I say I need the toilet he will say, I'll go first and go and look for it as I don't like to wander around looking for it myself, then come back and give me precise directions,
I'm always late for things and very forgetful so if we need to leave at 10am he will say, right we are leaving at 9.30, I fall for it every time!

ofwarren · 09/04/2022 08:41

My husband has ADHD and I have ASD. We clash, big time.
I've never had a relationship where my traits didn't cause issues though, as I'm not affectionate, don't enjoy hugging and kissing and really struggle if things aren't done the way I want them.

Mummiepig · 09/04/2022 09:07

Yes I like things done "my way" but my husbands very laid back so just lets me get on with things, and if he sees I'm starting to get on one about doing things "right" we tends to get out the way, like busy himself in the garage or the garden
It works very well !

Mummiepig · 09/04/2022 09:07

*he

Original poster

AshGirl · 09/04/2022 11:18

@Mummiepig

I have asd and probable adhd, my husband is an introvert but I would say NT, he does take on quite a carer role, but I don't mind and neither does he so it works for us. He is better at organising important things like the mortgage and insurances which I would find overwhelming and he will do all the talking at hotels or restaurants as I can do it but he appreciates that its easier for him than me, we've been together a long time so he instinctively knows my needs, if we are going to a new restaurant he will go in first, as I dont like opening doors, he will speak to the waiter first, if I say I need the toilet he will say, I'll go first and go and look for it as I don't like to wander around looking for it myself, then come back and give me precise directions, I'm always late for things and very forgetful so if we need to leave at 10am he will say, right we are leaving at 9.30, I fall for it every time!

My DH is very good at planning / researching (which I have no patience for at all!) and keeps on top of stuff like the mortgage, car tax and insurance etc

There are some things he doesn't like doing (including talking to restaurant staff) which I don't mind so we are quite symbiotic (or codependent!) in some ways.

OP posts:

Original poster

AshGirl · 09/04/2022 11:20

@ofwarren

My husband has ADHD and I have ASD. We clash, big time. I've never had a relationship where my traits didn't cause issues though, as I'm not affectionate, don't enjoy hugging and kissing and really struggle if things aren't done the way I want them.

Sorry to hear that @ofwarren that sounds really hard. It can be tricky when you have different ways of expressing yourself (different love languages?) eg if your partner is touchy freely and you are not.

OP posts:

elliejjtiny · 09/04/2022 11:26

Dh has asd and I have dyspraxia (never sure whether that counts as being nd or not so I tend to just lurk in this section). I find we compliment each other very well and we are both good at the things the other one is rubbish at. He does the driving and I do the hospital appointments and phone calls. He wraps the Christmas presents and I do the cards.

EatSleepRantRepeat · 09/04/2022 11:33

My DH is NT but usually incredibly supportive. I was an adult diagnosis, and the psychologist was brilliant - she held a joint session with the two of us to discuss her findings, so DH understood what was just me being me, and what was possibly an autism communication issue.

Before this we'd been to normal couples counselling for communication issues, and the Counsellor was a bit useless - took DHs side completely and said it had become a parent/child relationship of him running around after me (so the "carer" part of your post). What she failed to understand was that I didn't need him to do the additional stuff he was doing, I was fully independent unless I was having a flare of my other illness ; it was him wanting everything to be done his way and if I didn't he would just take over or redo it.

I'm really dubious when anyone suggests relationship counselling on MN boards now as the quality varies so much.

ofwarren · 09/04/2022 12:24

@elliejjtiny

Dh has asd and I have dyspraxia (never sure whether that counts as being nd or not so I tend to just lurk in this section). I find we compliment each other very well and we are both good at the things the other one is rubbish at. He does the driving and I do the hospital appointments and phone calls. He wraps the Christmas presents and I do the cards.

@elliejjtiny Dyspraxia is ND too so you should definitely delurk and join in

ZenKaleidoscope · 10/04/2022 08:22

I think I'm autistic. I think my husband may have ADHD he certainly presents as one but he has some trauma in his childhood so that could be the cause for it.
I suspect my dad is austistic and my mum ADHD.

I do think there's a pattern there.

Original poster

AshGirl · 10/04/2022 09:19

@ZenKaleidoscope

I think I'm autistic. I think my husband may have ADHD he certainly presents as one but he has some trauma in his childhood so that could be the cause for it. I suspect my dad is austistic and my mum ADHD.

I do think there's a pattern there.

That's interesting @ZenKaleidoscope . My DH has a lot of childhood trauma as well. I don't know much about CPTSD but I think it shares some features with ASD / ADHD

OP posts:

ZenKaleidoscope · 11/04/2022 13:54

I really don't know how anyone who is qualified to diagnose ADHD doesn't also have trauma training and visa versa because honestly the way they present seem so similar to me. How could they accurately identify one without the knowledge of the other.

duvetdayforeveryone · 11/04/2022 18:49

This is why mine and DH's song is Issues by Julia Michaels...

"'Cause I got issues
But you got 'em too
So give 'em all to me
And I'll give mine to you
Bask in the glory
Of all our problems
'Cause we got the kind of love
It takes to solve 'em
… Yeah, I got issues
And one of them is how bad I need you"

LadyCordeliaFitzgerald · 11/04/2022 20:33

I spent years completely blind to myself so I don’t feel competent to determine where dh lies. In fact for years we looked at ds who was diagnosed with autism as a toddler, and only saw traits we recognised from our own childhoods, rather than anything definitively different iykwim.

Dh is a bit of a rescuer, and I have to watch myself not to lean into that too much. He talks to strangers and makes phone calls and deals with bills and insurance. We compliment each other’s areas of expertise.

I still find myself trying to hide my incompetence from dh though. It’s very hard to shake off a lifetime of feeling like an inadequate defective human.

BlueCookieMonster · 11/04/2022 20:58

Dh has dyspraxia, really don’t think he’s autistic. Wouldn’t we know? Who knows.

Nttd · 12/04/2022 03:33

We're both autistic and have adhd. It does feel he supports me a lot, he does most of the housework and has a job which I don't.
But he says he wouldn't have the job if I didn't help him (not sure about that!), I do his LinkedIn and help him practise for interviews when he does them.
To look in from the outside I'd guess he does look like he has a carer style role, but we have our own little world we've made and there's things that he can't do that I do for us, mostly Organisation related they're just not as important as a job or cleaning the house.

Idk I'm rambling I guess I feel both happy and guilty.

AffIt · 12/04/2022 10:56

No - but he is a quiet, gentle and very warm individual with a naturally caring nature: animals / small children / older people love him!

He also totally understands my need for alone time, as he has some introverted tendencies himself: we're good at leaving one another in peace when required.

Definitely one of life's nurturers / supporters. He's my biggest cheerleader and I'm very lucky.

Original poster

AshGirl · 13/04/2022 11:53

@duvetdayforeveryone

This is why mine and DH's song is Issues by Julia Michaels...

"'Cause I got issues
But you got 'em too
So give 'em all to me
And I'll give mine to you
Bask in the glory
Of all our problems
'Cause we got the kind of love
It takes to solve 'em
… Yeah, I got issues
And one of them is how bad I need you"

Love this so much!

OP posts:

SlowlyBlossoming · 15/04/2022 08:31

My DP was diagnosed with Asperger's (now known as autism) when he was young. As an adult I'm now realising that I am likely autistic but not ready to pursue a diagnosis yet. I think society's typical image of a neurodivergent/autistic couple is so vastly different to what it looks like in real life. We absolutely have our struggles but we have a good understanding of each other and are living fully independently in our own home, both with full time jobs. People have been really surprised when they've been told one of us is autistic which I've always found odd haha.

I am however nervous about starting a family. I previously worked in schools and saw how hard it was for some autistic children, not just in terms of lack of support in education, but in terms of where they fell on the spectrum. I knew children who wore noise cancelling headphones all the time, were non-verbal, couldn't access learning and needed 1-1 support 24/7 and suffered hugely with mental health problems, such as depression, as they were in a world that didn't understand them. Despite my skills from working in schools, I still have huge worry. I expect our biological children will likely be autistic, but I'm worried about how they'll cope depending on where they are on the spectrum, and what the future might hold for them. I also worry about my and DPs ability to cope with that reality, managing our own difficulties along with that of a child. We are both so keen on becoming parents but the worry stops me in my tracks.

elliejjtiny · 16/04/2022 01:46

@ofwarren Thankyou. I have a bit of a thing where I don't like to break rules but I will join in now I know that dyspraxia counts as ND.

@SlowlyBlossoming dh and I have 5 dc. 3 are autistic without learning difficulties, 1 has learning difficulties without autism and 1 is being assessed for Adhd. It is a big worry but being ND ourselves has helped to understand how our ND children feel. Our biggest problem is that I think we are not pushy enough with getting help for our dc at school.

Original poster

AshGirl · 16/04/2022 12:40

@SlowlyBlossoming

My DP was diagnosed with Asperger's (now known as autism) when he was young. As an adult I'm now realising that I am likely autistic but not ready to pursue a diagnosis yet. I think society's typical image of a neurodivergent/autistic couple is so vastly different to what it looks like in real life. We absolutely have our struggles but we have a good understanding of each other and are living fully independently in our own home, both with full time jobs. People have been really surprised when they've been told one of us is autistic which I've always found odd haha.

I am however nervous about starting a family. I previously worked in schools and saw how hard it was for some autistic children, not just in terms of lack of support in education, but in terms of where they fell on the spectrum. I knew children who wore noise cancelling headphones all the time, were non-verbal, couldn't access learning and needed 1-1 support 24/7 and suffered hugely with mental health problems, such as depression, as they were in a world that didn't understand them. Despite my skills from working in schools, I still have huge worry. I expect our biological children will likely be autistic, but I'm worried about how they'll cope depending on where they are on the spectrum, and what the future might hold for them. I also worry about my and DPs ability to cope with that reality, managing our own difficulties along with that of a child. We are both so keen on becoming parents but the worry stops me in my tracks.

I understand why you're concerned about coping, and parenting a NT child seems to be a challenge as well! We only have the one DC partly because we have found it hard to manage our own needs with those of our awesome DS (who has various health and developmental issues caused a genetic condition not inherited from either of us - just random chance)

I think that being ND means that you might be more likely to recognise if your DC has additional needs. It is also easier to advocate for DC than it is for yourself.

If you want to have a child then don't let your own difficulties hold you back. Just go into it with your eyes open and the best support network you can manage

OP posts:

SlowlyBlossoming · 17/04/2022 14:08

@AshGirl thank you so much for your reply ❤️ I think I'm going to try and access some private counselling to talk things through before we commit to TTC. I'm so worried about what the future will hold due to us both being ND and possibly having a ND child. I'm glad my post seemed to make sense, I feel awfully guilty talking about how I feel regarding this but just want us and any future children to be happy, as I've seen how awfully hard it is for some. Thank you x