Handhold for this week please

[ZenKaleidoscope]

This isn't necessarily neurodiverse specific but I like this section as it's more understanding.

My parents live abroad, left here just before I went to uni. They are visiting and I just feel so overwhelmed by it. All the extra cooking and less time alone will be difficult. They think they will be helping since they will help look after my kids but if they weren't here I'd be paying for childcare for them and I'd work. Which financially is better for me and it's also better for my mental health!
My mum never had a career so she wouldn't understand this at all.

The benefit is that my kids will spend time with their grandparents. I don't have any in-laws so that's all they've got.

I'm not looking forward to the lack of routine and having to entertain. I haven't seen my dad for about 5 years, my mum about 2, so they definitely feel like guests rather than family.

I would describe my mum as a HSP likely austistic if she got assessed. I struggle not to be negatively effected by all her emotions. She doesn't know how to self regulate, she cries multiple times a day. She doesn't know how to communicate her needs so often will be passive aggressive.

Anyone want to go through this with me for the week? I would really appreciate it.

Oh that's a toughie for you. Do they know you're ND? Can they respect your need for routine etc. or would that be out of the question?

I reckon easy meals and a takeaway are the way to go. Can you arrange to go for a long bath on an evening and just stick them in front of the TV? Might they go to bed early themselves?

You can check in here plenty to vent 😃

oh no.

poor you. sounds difficult.

So my meal planning has already gone out the window as they arrived later than expected last night. I'm trying not to stress about that. I actually had a bubble bath last night before they came to try to de-stress. I was on edge all day because their plans kept changing with flight delays etc.

I haven't been assessed yet. I'm 80% sure I'm autistic. My Dad actually said last night that when he does the online tests for autism it indicates he is. They know I am pursuing an assessment. I don't think they under why it would be beneficial for me to get one, since I'm in my 30s.

About a year ago my dad wrote me a letter to say that he realises it was painful for me that they left the country when I was barely an adult. I never replied to it because I had PND at the time. This is not really something I want to confront while they are here as I think it will ruin the time they have here. It's so messy though, I have a lot to say about it. It's just bubbling in me in the background, it's uncomfortable.

Thanks so much for replying. It means a lot.

@BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation you are very understanding.

I used to get profoundly depressed whenever I would stay at my parents', and profoundly stressed whenever they stayed here. Staying with me, I found I would run myself into the ground cooking, making cups of tea etc, while they sat on the sofa criticising the kids' behaviour. They didn't seem to want to go anywhere (I live in Popular Tourist Destination Happy Land 😆), and if I did drag us all out somewhere would trail along behind me looking thoroughly miserable (they are very active with their friends and walk loads, visit interesting places etc)

If we went there, at least my mum would run around after us, but all they'd want to do was sit around criticising the kids' behaviour- maybe an hour's trip to the swings, or "a walk down the town". It just reminded me of the profound depression that cloaked my adolescence (I left when I was 16).

Thankfully, we have properly fallen out now- over their racism- and we no longer have to put up with them. I know "faaaaamily" is supposed to be all- important, but honestly I feel like a weights been lifted from me. Don't know if any other autistic people on here get puzzled by the obligation to feel a bond with your family when actually you have nothing in common with them? 🤔

@crackofdoom I hate that they are either on the other side of the world or living with me. I hate both extremes. We'd both get so much more out of our relationship if we had a "normal" set up. I might actually enjoy their company if I saw them for a few hours a week.

Yes I know what you mean I often question weather I love them.

I'm glad that the weight has lifted for you.

What is happening today @ZenKaleidoscope*? Are you managing okay?

I never had my own family, but we did have to visit dh's parents at regular intervals. They lived just over two hours away so had to stay over. I found the change in routine, odd temperature set up - boiling hot in kitchen, freezing elsewhere - difficult, and small talk was agonising. I used to have a bath at 7pm then just go into bed. Pre smartphone era, so I was bored rigid and used to have to look at ancient old books that were around. No chance of any food or cups of tea unless dh visited me in the bedroom. The only food they seemed to have was old and out of date. We did bring our own, but they'd eat it.

We used to go hunting for the missing food and dh used to tell me that the mice had eaten it. I, of course, believed him and felt even more disgusted that there were mice around. The penny then dropped that he meant his parents when I asked him how the rodents were getting into the fridge 🤦‍♀️

Oh dear about the rodent in laws!

Well I somehow managed to trap my finger in the microwave button and sliced the tip of my finger. There was a lot of blood and honestly I think I was in shock for about 5 mins. The pain has died down now. I think I get clumsier when I'm stressed.

I'm managing though. I was annoyed no one offered to help with the dishes or make brews after lunch but then I quite enjoyed being in the kitchen on my own so it wasn't all bad.

Tomorrow we are having a day out. After that I will definitely try to delegate.

Ouch, your poor finger 😖

Can you feign a headache and go to bed early? Tea, Netflix and chocolate whilst they sort your kids out?

Today has been stressful. When we were out I had a coffee which was too strong and that made the already stressful drive home more stressful. I did not want to talk to anyone.
I still feel on edge. But toddler is napping now so I'm trying to have a little chill.

My dad asked me if I had any pics of me and my mum. This has stressed me out as I know that this means my mum is upset and hurt that there's not a pic on display of her like there is other family. This was not an intentional thing.

Now here's where it gets confusing. Is it my issue for feeling bad about something thats not even been expressed to me. Or is it my mum's issue because she's getting hurt about something that's meaningless.

I totally empathise with you. I HATE it when my parents visit. Thankfully they never stop over and its only 3-4 times a year.

It takes me days to recover from a visit. I shutdown altogether and just sleep.

Sorry to hear about your finger, that sounds painful. I too get clumsy when stressed.

It's your mum's responsibility regarding being upset at no photos. I mean, does it really matter, it's not her home? She's making it about her and that is her choice.

She's making it about her and that is her choice.

Yeah. Yesterday she was telling me how she's been going crazy because she misses me and her grandkids so much. And all I was thinking was... well you decided to live on the other side of the world so why are you complaining about it to me?! I couldn't even respond to her, I didn't say anything.

I'm really proud of myself for what I've planned for today. Ive got youngest to go to nursery and they will watch the older one while I go to yoga. I know having this thread has enabled me to have the space to work out what I want and then make me get it, so thank you all for your replies. It really has made my life easier this week.

They are very religious so probs have a problem with yoga too so I had a lot of resistance to making this happen today.

I know they also have this expectation that I would not work until the youngest is in school. So again I had a lot of resistance to take control of my time for today. They probs expect me to me with my kids 24/7.

Enjoy the yoga, it's so relaxing and rejuvenating. Don't get sucked into their expectations of things. It's their choice to have those views and expectations and they're not your responsibility to fix or worry about. They'll need to get over it. This is why it's so important to be child centered as a parent and realise that our kids aren't extensions of us, but people in their own right. You're doing really well this week, keep it up 😀

Yoga was great yesterday.

I feel very stressed at the mo. At a playcentre.l now. My dad asks me for a favour, which is to put a pic of my mum up in my house. I said no my mum needs to not take it so personally, there's also not a pic or my younger bro up so it doesn't mean anything. He said that's why he asked as a favour. I said it still comes across as controlling.

This anoys me so much. Because I just think they decided to leave the country so they need to deal with all the consequences of that. One being we don't spend much time together so we don't have many pics. FFS. I feel on edge now anything could just tip me over. I don't want to cry in a public place.
I want to just get through today. But I fel overwhelmed by the rest of the week. I didn't mention it in my op but we are also spending next week together, my husband too as a little holiday away. Ugh.

I’m only seeing this thread now. I felt a wave of stress and exhaustion from the start of it. 3 days is my absolute max for coping with visitors. How are you doing?

A parent's job is to relieve a child's (even as an adult) stress, not cause it. Ignore the photo thing. She needs to get a grip, it's not all about her.

@LadyCordeliaFitzgerald not great. We have just got to an air BnB where we will all stay. 2 weeks is just too much.

One thing I didn't take into account with these plans is my dad's aged a lot since I've seen him. He decided not to hire a car since he can't drive be at night so me doing all the driving has been another strain.

Thanks @BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation yes she needs to get a grip.

My husband is making this very hard for me. He keeps saying he really doesn't want to be here. Obvs no consideration that I don't want to be here either. I would never have said that to him when I spent time with him and his dad.

Anyway I've said to him let me help you make it easier. I'll take the boys out and let him have some time alone. Then he says stuff like I don't need you to help me.

Hes not always been this selfish. He used to be considerate and would want to support me.

Has he changed or is it his mental health that's making him this way?

I think it's his mental health but he can't see that.