The instinct to try and pass for “normal”

[LadyCordeliaFitzgerald]

I have posted this thread in a board for neurodiverse MNetters as I am specifically seeking responses from posters who are neurodiverse

I’ve deliberately used the word ‘normal’ rather than NT to capture my thinking in childhood before I had to those terms in my vocabulary

I’ve been thinking about my childhood and how I was always studying people, trying to figure out what “normal” people did (I’m not sure why I thought my family were odd, but its something that I understood from a very young age) and being very, very careful not to show any weakness to the outside world.

Even now I have this annoying habit of trotting out something I heard someone else say (or do) in a similar social context. It’s like I have to have some lines learned rather than risking improv. And sometimes it falls flat and afterwards I can’t understand why I came out with that. I can see more of the nuances of a conversation later, but in the moment I can’t process it fast enough.

I still carry an innate fear of people seeing me too clearly, or seeing my family, in particular my df. It makes it hard to seek help, and hard to get /accept help for ds, although I push past it for his sake.

For years I wanted to help him fit in and hide in plain sight but recently I’ve been trying to be more open about his autism and to encourage him towards self acceptance - celebrating some of the traits and treating his sensory needs as worthy of consideration.

But I get stuck between feeling like a hypocrite for pushing ds forward when he could fly beneath the radar, and I don’t feel able to be out and proud myself. I feel guilty for not being more forthright when he was younger which created stress and anxiety for him. I feel like I was on the wrong track. But there’s also that instinctive fear and distrust that showing any weakness (or difference) attracts predators. And I worry that I’m not teaching him the right survival skills.

Can anyone relate?

I can definitely relate to trotting out lines instinctively and then regretting it! I don't do it too often but every time it happens is like slow motion when I hear myself doing it and can't stop. It makes me cringe so much because it's so obviously not genuine and I instantly want to back track and apologize but usually just mumble something about having to go/do something else.

Fitting in has the evolutionary basis of survival and I believe that will always be the case so I think it's a difficult balance to acknowledge difference without risking the negative consequences.

I can definitely relate to trotting out lines instinctively and then regretting it! I don't do it too often but every time it happens is like slow motion when I hear myself doing it and can't stop. It makes me cringe so much because it's so obviously not genuine and I instantly want to back track and apologize but usually just mumble something about having to go/do something else.

I was just going to say the same thing! I have awful memories of doing this right back to being about 6yo. Sadly I can't seem to stop it happening.

It's a difficult one. DC has significant echolalia so almost everything has a reference or is adapted from something they know well. I know the references so it doesn't bother me - I understand that the sentiment is there even if the words aren't their own. I'm not sure it's the same as trying to fit in - it's more trying to find a way of expressing how they really feel. However, I can see the result will be the same, as other people won't understand that any more than they understood me. Even if it were possible I don't want to stop them expressing themselves in the way they find easiest, but I will need to prepare them for the reactions of others. They're still very young but it's already becoming noticeable to peers.

The most difficult thing about it for peers is probably the impression of being a know it all it creates... especially if I'm basically quoting someone on a topic. As though I'm showing off when it's usually an instinctive "oh oh I can join in on this moment" of excitement.

I used to be able to communicate a little more effectively, but was always vigilant about doing and saying the wrong thing. Even the way my facial expression was and my body posture. It was exhausting. I used to think it was worth it and it was essential for the workplace of course. Since I was diagnosed I just don't have the inclination or the energy for it. No matter how hard I tried, I still got into difficulties. My efforts were ultimately pointless. I don't often communicate face to face with people now and it's only ever for short periods, like at a checkout. If I'm not chatty, the people pick up on it though. They'll try to engage me in conversation. I caught one of them side eyeing me quite intensely the other week as I was packing the shopping. They know. How do they always know? They must have a bloody radar.

I think ds has it a bit easier because he's a male. I think men can get away with being a bit brusque and less performative. People are more tolerant of it in males I would say. I do encourage him how to do self care in terms of sensory needs and ensuring adequate rest periods. He complains a lot about the slack behaviour of others and seeming lack of commitment to things, but I explain to him that he has to learn to accept others behaviour as long as it's not directly harmful to him or others. I've told him to be polite and helpful at all times and not be too bossy or overbearing. He does seem to get along okay and he has some friends.