Assessment process, just starting out

[FairiesAngels]

This is my 5th attempt. If this doesn't work Il, I quit.

I don't know why I've started this thread. I think i just needed to say it out loud to people who understand. My husband knows and he's amazing, but I'm sure he's sick listening to me talking about it.

I feel strongly that i have (what was referred to as) Aspergers. I've done many online tests, read the charity websites. I'm reading a book. I'm obsessively researching while trying not to.

I had a very traumatic childhood and learned to mask from a very very early age. Keep the peace, don't anger the abusive drunk. Just be" normal".

Im early 40s now and it gets harder and harder to hide all my..... Quirks?

Don't know what I'm hoping for by posting. I feel very alone and I'm finding interactions increasingly stressful. I feel like i have this constant AIBU in my head about my own actions and reactions. 🤦‍♂️

I started the process with my doctor months ago who gave me a form to complete. I struggled with the form so wrote a really long letter with sub categories, and issues I have under those categories. It got returned as the doctor was too busy 😭 , so I had to go get help from citizens advise. I've had it for months so it just feels real now that I've posted it just today.

Im in Ireland, I know it's a long wait.

I just feel really sad and overwhelmed . My mental health is terrible, my physical health isn't great either.

I've name changed for this.

Thanks for reading.

Hello!
Many of us have just started along the diagnosis route ourselves - just having this wee group here already makes life better for me, finally I have met people like me who don't run away when I talk to them! We are all different ages and backgrounds but we are lovely!

Just join in and chat away - I read the posts everyday although I don't always get round to posting

PS can you get a therapist to help with the anxiety - either private if there is a wait or health service, it sounds crippling and you remind me of myself years ago, every time I spoke I would spend hours afterwards dissecting what I said and criticising myself.

I finally realised I needed to do something and took a CBD course and then saw a therapist in my early forties (20 years ago nearly). I still get anxious, but it doesn't cripple me like it did and I can step off the wheel and deal with my depression far better.

One flag - you mentioned 'don't anger the abusive drunk - is this a family member?

If I am not back to answer tonight I will be back tomorrow.

Good luck.

Your post rang a bell with me. I am on the list for assessment after screening, but had to fill in the AQ10 as a final tick.

Well... the form had all the answers on it (which is a bit daft) so I wasted 3 months trying to think of a reasonable way to tell them it wasn't a good idea. Of course that makes me the daft one. Don't do this!

The abusive drunk - Dad. I've had counselling twice then they wanted to refer me to other/next step counselling (specialist) .. I tried it but it was too difficult /too sensitive /too hard to bond with the counsellor. It just didn't work out. It's very very difficult to trust people to that degree. The first two sets were with the same lady.

Thanks sorry. You're so kind. I'm debating if I should have posted.

@lilyred thanks for your reply. Where are you in the process?

@hawkmoth at least you got there in the end! I just did an AQ10. Online and scored 8. So did you send an initial form to start the process then get sent the AQ10? Must admit I don't know the process but I know it's years long.

It feels very disconcerting to have everything out in the open, talking here.

Everything is deeply buried down inside, and well hidden. I present as incredibly confident and have hidden the complex trauma history incredibly well. Some surpressed.

Weird.

Thank you

I did a self referral, but I'd got part way through the process in another area so had a letter from a screening interview to add to it. Then I had a phone all which was basically, "I've read your form and letter.. yeah" then to secure the place on the waiting list you have to send them a completed AQ10. All a bit complex but I'm very motivated to get answers to why everything is so bloody difficult.

*I feel strongly that i have (what was referred to as) Aspergers. I've done many online tests, read the charity websites. I'm reading a book. I'm obsessively researching while trying not to.

Im early 40s now and it gets harder and harder to hide all my..... Quirks?

Don't know what I'm hoping for by posting. I feel very alone and I'm finding interactions increasingly stressful. I feel like i have this constant AIBU in my head about my own actions and reactions. *

Hi FairiesAngels,
Just posting to let you know you are not alone. I realised a year and a half ago I was on the spectrum, I'm in my forties, it took me a year to get the courage to go to the doctor and I was offered an appointment within a month! I've cancelled it twice! I feel so overwhelmed with it all. Like you said, I feel as if it's getting harder and harder to mask since I realised, but at the same time I'm questioning why! I too feel very alone with this and I'm questioning every action and interaction all of the time. It is so draining! I also feel like I'm becoming worse socially (if that's possible! Lol!), I think because, before I knew, I told myself I was shy, awkward, but now I believe I'm autistic it's like I have become even more so!

I don't have any answers, I just wanted you to know I totally get it. Hopefully your diagnosis will help in some way to process this

@hawkmoth you're definitely on the path then. I hope you feel good and strong that you're on the path to (hopefully) having answers. It sounds complicated. Do you know how long you need to wait now or will they just be in touch? I really appreciate you share your experience. It gives me an idea. I didn't want my Mum to be involved in any questions or things, I don't know if my husband needs to be, but I know he would do it for me.

Im reading the book by Sarah Gibson. The name is escaping me. Oh drama queen maybe?? In case a book might be helpful

@jadeandgreen

Thanks for your reply. So did you actually go ahead with the meetings or are you still waiting?

I completely understand what you mean about being worse socialising. Is it possible, now that you realise there's a legitimate reason for your "discomfort /appropriate word", that it becomes harder to fight against, and try to Bury? Harder to pretend because actually, it's against who you inherently are?

I have a small circle of trusted people. I actually tried to talk to my best friend about it a while ago and he said he knew me better than anyone and I didn't show any signs of it. That's how good I am masking (although that shut the conversation down for me there and then. The same thing happened regarding a discussion about OCD)

I definitely feel like my husband is the only person who Sees the true unfiltered me. He said i hid a lot for years. That's no surprise.

Do you have someone you are totally yourself around, no mask? It's exhausting. I wish you a Little freedom from the tiredness. Please make sure you talk, even if it starts with online.

Sorry for the individual replies
My brain can't remember the usernames and it's just easier for me to make sure I catch everyone this way.

@FairiesAngels I have reached a hiatus at present with diagnosis as GP surgery (Scotland) is v.v. slow in organising paperwork. However , I have known all my life 'I am not like the others' and from the late 1980s-1990s when it was finally realised that women indeed were on the Autistic spectrum/neurodiverse, that I was able to put a name to it - and now many years later I am trying to get a dignosis.

I suppose I don't always think about masking as I am a good mimic of sorts and can code switch with accents easily, but only ever in small doses as it is bloody tiring - I can be me at home, mostly.

I have had experience of a violent alcoholic partner - now ex, where you end up being more than on edge all the time and it did no good at all for my mental health or anxiety - I ended up with a psychiatric social worker when we split to help me back to some sort of normality. Realise that you cannot change them, but that you must walk away and cut contact for your life to go forward.

Don't worry that you can't remember all of our user names! we started off with a few of us and now we are legion! Please do remember that we have all been and may be in the future again where you are and we all understand what you are going through, so please do keep on posting, chat here, if you have a meltdown tell us about it - whatever you feel like.

@FairiesAngels No I haven't been to my appointment. My GP called me in before Xmas to ask why I'd cancelled, so when I told her I was too overwhelmed with it all she said to leave it to the new year then go back and see her. I haven't been back, but I'm hoping I'll go soon because it's on my mind every single day.

Yea I think you're right that once you realise you are on the spectrum it's more difficult to mask. I don't really have anyone I can totally unmask with. My partner is aware and recently I have been trying to unmask more when I'm with him, but it's difficult. You are constantly questioning who the real you is! I think this is why I need so much time alone, because as you say, it is all so exhausting. I look back on my life and feel as if I have been wading through treacle just to get through each day, but I didn't know why, and now I'm getting a chance to rest and reflect I have no idea who I am.

I'm glad I came across your post last night as it's good to know there's others out there feeling the same. I hope things move quickly for you and you find some peace.