Does anyone else find being in a relationship extremely stressful?

[Turkishdelightchocisace]

There are times I would love to be in a relationship but its almost like at the first hint of interest and in past relationships, I feel like I'm under a microscope all the time and just feel very uncomfortable. It's like I feel I am putting on a role of being what the other person wants to be and neglecting myself in the process.

Maybe if I met someone else that is neurodiverse, I would feel so much more comfortable but it's like being in a relationship or even casually flirting with someone triggers major anxiety related to my autism. Does this sound crazy or is it something anyone else goes through? I'm so thankful for this supportive space to talk about something like this

I felt a lot of that until I met dh. I have adhd and I would go into overdrive analysing and overthinking. And run fast and far at the hint of anything serious.

And then I met dh and that was it. I don’t even see other men. I find his presence very calming. I don’t have to try to be anything but myself, but somehow I’m a better version of myself.

He’s not, as far as I can tell, neurodiverse.

I think it's easier if a ND person has a relationship with another ND person. There's an unspoken understanding and tolerance there between me and dh and we give each other the time and space to sort ourselves out in our own way. I don't feel any pressure to be different and I don't put pressure on him either. We work as a team.

I think ND + ND is better, yes - however, ND people each have their own strengths and challenges so the tolerance and understanding is still limited. For example, DP is sort of "textbook" autistic (highly intelligent, obsessive special interests, very meticulous and thrives on order and routine, lined up his toys in rows as a child...) whereas I have autism and ADHD (flit from thing to thing burning out easily, chaotic and sporadic "all or nothing" workstyle, neurotically clean but very untidy, nocturnal, daydreamer...). So even though we understand each other in many ways, our household priorities are quite different and it does cause friction. I get frustrated with his inflexibility and he gets frustrated with my chaotic-ness.
He is lovely and I do love him but I am looking forward to living separately for a bit (each of us will have to relocate for work soon) after 2 years of both WFH in a tiny flat.

No - but then I genuinely feel that I hit the relationship jackpot with my extraordinarily lovely NT OH.

We've been together almost 20 years, having met in our early 20s (I jokingly call him the child bride) and he is my rock. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 33 and he has been incredibly supportive before and since.

God knows it has not been easy for him (and he is the kindest, most charming, laid-back and generally likeable person I have ever met), but he tolerates, supports and uplifts me, always.

However, I have no interest in forming any other relationships, and if he passed away tomorrow, I'd just get more cats. No human being could fill his space.

Depends on the type of relationship, and what the other party expects.

I did 'typical' NT-type relationship for 20'odd years, so marriage, living together full time, shared finances and so it. It made me progressively more and more miserable and resentful of my Ex for constraining how I need to live in order to be happy, and eventually I realised I'd be far happier giving all that up to just live in peace on my own.

Current relationship is a wholly different kettle of fish. We don't live together and have no plans to, private and entirely separate finances, perfectly comfortable with saying to each other that no, we'd rather be on our own that particular day. We see each other once per week on average. It works just fine and I'm as happy as I could ever see myself being in an actual relationship.

I think a lot of ND people's struggles with relationships is because the majority of the time they are yet another one of those things that the world at large, especially NT people, expect ND people to just get on with and 'stop being so ND'.

I'm in one and have been for 10 years and it's sooo hard.
I'm just not an affectionate person and he finds it hard to deal with.

We are both autistic and at the beginning we struggled a lot with communication and sharing a space together. However, things have been amazing for several years now. We both give each other plenty of space and time apart to unwind, as well as having time together. We both avoid crowds/ going out too much and spend most of our time at home just hanging out. We also both have seperate bedrooms as we struggle falling asleep with someone next to us/ like our own space. We have mastered clear, direct communication too which works really well as we get each other.

I think if you're able to live separately from your partner, that would be ideal. I did that for a while and it was great. Unfortunately, it's more cost effective to split bills and expenses with someone, so my partner and I moved in together a few years ago. However, we have separate bedrooms and I think this is a great arrangement. We give each other space and privacy to relax.

It can still be a struggle at times as I'm not good at sharing living spaces with other people, but my partner is usually quite understanding and we like similar things, so we get on well in general.