Anyone else find that neurotypical advice to make friends/meet people does not work for you?

[Mrspepperpoi]

Does anyone else find the same thing? I have noticed that many people would suggest to join a club or a hobby group and even though the advice can be well meaning, sometimes being neurodiverse it can be incredibly hard to meet people and some groups can be very fundamental and not very accepting. Has anyone found the same thing?

Yes, I bloody wish people would stop doing it - whatever it is about me I am too 'other / different' for neurotypicals to befriend; your methods do not work!

Yes I agree. I have given up even trying to make friends anymore. It’s just too hard and upsetting. I am a kind and fun person but I just don’t seem to really fit in, no matter how hard I try. Luckily I am very close to my sister (suspect she’s also ND) and my DH (also diagnosed autistic). My DH doesn’t have friends either but we are really close and truly get each other’s weird ways. Otherwise I think I would live a very sad and lonely life.

I follow the ND advice for making friends but it doesn’t work. I join hobbies but just end up with acquaintances at the hobby, who aren’t bothered about me and inevitably end up doing something mean or excluding to me. I reach out to people I feel I’ve clicked with, for example I asked a new neighbour to hang out but got ignored for a week then received a short polite “no thanks”. There’s obviously still something that I’m missing.

Doesn't work for me either. It's OK for a little while but I can see the precise moment that the NT clocks that there is something 'different' about me. From then on they stop talking to me and blank me.

I agree. I just don't seem to click with people - I always feel as if they are on a different plane where they seem naturally to socialise with one another without having to do anything to make this happen.

I no longer really mind. I have a couple of acquaintances who I see once or twice a year for a 'niche interest' type of thing, and I get on passably well with my colleagues at work although we don't socialise.

When I have tried to maintain friendships in the past it's always been a strain trying to get the 'tone' right, and I end up just adding to my long list of 'cringe' moments where I have unintentionally messed up - in short, the effort in maintaining a friendship isn't repaid by the value so I am happier overall without them.

@Donra

I follow the ND advice for making friends but it doesn’t work. I join hobbies but just end up with acquaintances at the hobby, who aren’t bothered about me and inevitably end up doing something mean or excluding to me. I reach out to people I feel I’ve clicked with, for example I asked a new neighbour to hang out but got ignored for a week then received a short polite “no thanks”. There’s obviously still something that I’m missing.

This happens to me as well. I now go to groups not expecting anything regarding friends or acquaintances. I go if I enjoy the actual activity - I’ve done a book group and choir.

Is it possible that I may not be NT? Or am I just "painfully shy", which is how my parents and teachers used to describe me?

I have always found it very difficult to make friends. It always seems so easy for others, but almost impossible for me and I've never been able to put my finger on why that is.

The only friends I have (I have two), I've known for several decades and we only became friends through forced circumstances, such as being in the same workplace or being in the same class and having to sit together. We see each other every 6 to 8 weeks or so, almost always initiated by the friend and not me. I very rarely contact people myself, there seems to be a big barrier stopping me, difficult to explain.

I do force myself to join things. I joined a community choir 12 years ago and I know some of the people there, we talk while we're there but that's where it ends. I've never met any of them socially.

I'm fascinated as to how easily other people assimilate themselves into a group. Last week a newcomer came to try out the choir. By the end of the session she was chatting away to the people next to her as if they'd known each other for years! The irony is that I have known those people for years and yet they don't interact with me in the same way as they did with her after only having met her an hour before!

I'm very used to it being this way, as it's been the case all my life (I'm 64 now). I used to get terribly upset as a child/teenager and became very depressed at one point.
I think that lack of friends was one of the reasons why I married young. I felt the need to belong, to fit in.

By the end of the session she was chatting away to the people next to her as if they'd known each other for years! The irony is that I have known those people for years and yet they don't interact with me in the same way as they did with her after only having met her an hour before!

This resonates so deeply with me. I've lost count of the times this has happened.

Is it possible that I may not be NT? Or am I just "painfully shy"

Perhaps read some of the other threads on this board and see if any of the traits sound like you - there are also links to online tests you can complete - obviously nothing online can give a diagnosis but there are resources you can use as a starting point if you decide to approach your doctor

@ofwarren

Doesn't work for me either. It's OK for a little while but I can see the precise moment that the NT clocks that there is something 'different' about me. From then on they stop talking to me and blank me.

Wow, yes. Just this! There's always a moment when people realise that I'm not like them. It's like they get a surprise because I look 'normal' but there's something in my manner or voice or whatever that identifies me as 'other'. I've always felt like this but didn't think anyone would understand it. I love this board sometimes

I'm fascinated as to how easily other people assimilate themselves into a group. Last week a newcomer came to try out the choir. By the end of the session she was chatting away to the people next to her as if they'd known each other for years! The irony is that Ihaveknown those people for years and yet they don't interact with me in the same way as they did with her after only having met her an hour before!

Doesn't work for me either. It's OK for a little while but I can see the precise moment that the NT clocks that there is something 'different' about me. From then on they stop talking to me and blank me

Both of these things are so familiar. If it wasn't for work I doubt I'd have any social contacts.

I certainly found this after having my first two children (now 14/12). I had no idea then that I was autistic, I was also invited to a specific group for mums at risk of PND (as I’d had previous MH issues). That was nice to be fair but I still found it inexplicably difficult doing the whole baby/toddler group stuff.

Totally different story when I had my third (she’s 4) - in that time I had been diagnosed autistic (as had the older two DC!) and I had friends who understood me etc. I haven’t been to a single toddler group other than a couple at the library I used to work in.

I am quite sociable really - lockdown was hard and I didn’t really recognise the “this is great for autistic people” personally (although of course I understood that for many it WAS better - it just wasn’t for me!).

But it needs to be measured and on my terms and with people who get me. I find that with my autistic friends I don’t spend hours afterwards analysing everything I said and did in a panic!

Sorry, what I meant to say re the first bit of my post was that with my first two kids I really did feel the pressure to do the socialising thing. Especially as I did get PND both times. “Go and make mum friends, you’ll feel better!”

And of course I didn’t feel better, so then I just felt like a failure.

I don't have the energy to socialise. NTs are like aliens to me and I can't relate to them so there's no point in trying make friends with them. I did used to go to a pagan social group with dh, but didn't feel as though I had anything useful to contribute so don't bother now. Nobody ever listened to me if I did speak up.

Dh is immensely sociable, fits in, makes people laugh and I’ve left him to it. I’m his weird awkward wife trying to find a topic of conversation - usually fail. He has loads of friends through his hobby and I don’t try to come now although lots of families do.
I never made school gate friends, recently confused being used for a year for free childcare with friendship and made a tit of myself asking them if they wanted a coffee/ to meet up/ offering advice (my job relates to this) before finally the penny dropped.

Nodding along to every single post.

We naturally gravitate to people that are similar minded, subconciously similar neurotypes and because most of us have interest based nervous systems we'll tend to get on better and find a deep connection with people in regards to our interests, thinking styles and such.
I was diagnosed as an adult but many of my childhood friends (I say many, there's few) are diagnosed now also. I've never really fit or found a good flow with NT's.

Those friends I do have though that are ND we had an instant connection. Like a light bulb moment, this person gets me and I get them.

It took me a very long time to find my crowd. Subconsciously over the years I found friends like me, some diagnosed, some not, some not even aware they're ND but if you're ND you can just tell. It's like a radar.

I never thought much of meeting groups and you'll probably find that "your crowd" don't like them either so you likely won't find them there but you will in forums such as this, maybe at a random bus stop one day, the person that spills their heart out to you. That happened to me once. We became best friends for many years.

We just don't instinctively know how to connect with NT's in an NT way but connecting with other ND folk is much easier, it's just actually finding us because if you're anything like me, you're likely happiest at home playing your favourite game, listening to your favourite song over and over or spending hours researching your favourite interest.

Yes.

I have been in places for years & realised that everyone else there somehow has everyone elses number & are arranging to meet for coffee/dinner/social things & I don't even know how they got each others numbers.

I was there all along & missed how they connected right in front of me, so I can't even try to copy what they did because it's like some secret code that goes over my head.

Oh exactly this. In conversation they’ve all met each other’s families/ texted / whatever.

I can talk to anyone, am very friendly but where I fall down is the logistics of maintaining friendships. E.g. remembering birthdays, committing to doing an activity every week, proactively following up on contact if there's any block or discouragement.

E.g. I message a friend to have coffee, they say no they're at work, I mentally move on not because I don't care but because my attention just hops on. I'm trying to train myself to follow up. ADHD is my diagnosis.

@Snugglepumpkin
Omg yes this is exactly me, I started a new job with another woman at the same time, I saw her as a potential friend, similar ages, interests lived near each other, our kids new one another, I thought we had clicked, she kept asking me for lifts and isaid I should really get your number but never got it, I then found out everyone was already texting each other and meeting up outside of work, 2 years on we all got made redundant, never did get her number or anyone else's, apparently they all still meet up every few months, I'm at a loss as to where I go wrong

It's something I've always envied about NTs that they can make friends so easily. Like I know and am friendly with people and think they are my friends for a while, then there is a new person and they seem to get to the next level super quick. Like I'm a gap-filller, an amusing acquiantence but not a proper friend.
I realise that a lot of my University friendships, particularly with men were like that - the fact I'm a girl and state educated I suspect made me as someone who can be looked-down on as a wierd cloud-cuckoolander, not a real person.
It is also a thing that I am rather gender blind and heirarchy blind and therefore don't flirt or treat anyone differently - I suspect that confuses and annoys people too.