Neurodiverse opinion? Getting called weird

[Nisse23]

Hi all,

Quick background: I have suspected high-performing autism/Aspergers (psychologist’a words, not mine), but I am struggling to get a diagnosis as I live in another country and they can’t do the full assessment in English, only the native language which runs the risk of me not getting a fair assessment.

I posted in the Relationships forum about an experience with a friend and him becoming suddenly distant after he had a child. I’ve had some valuable input, but most of the posters are just calling me weird, clingy, needy, and other variations of strange.

I understand I’ve clearly done something wrong in their view with being too close friends with a married man, but I’d appreciate some feedback from people here, who may at least understand how my mind works. Every extra bit of context I gave there just made them call me ‘even weirder’. I feel so sad now, and like I should stop trying to have friendships at all if I come across in the way they say I must.

Link to thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4505879-Friend-ignoring-me-since-they-had-a-baby?msgid=115879169

For what it’s worth. I tend to ask people to be direct with me, because I can’t always detect nuances or read between the lines. So when I asked this guy what to expect when the child was born, I wasn’t trying to police him or be possessive, I just wanted to know so I could adapt around their requirements. As I’m not a parent myself I didn’t have any experience to draw on, and researching it made me think he could need some space for a while. I was honestly just trying to be thoughtful but everyone said I was an idiot for saying it.

My relationships with people do tend to be maybe more intense - in the sense that once I’m comfortable with someone, we talk a lot. Mainly about our interests (in this case, history, gaming, books) rather than deep emotional chats. But no one seems to believe that it could just be around shared passions, rather than being an emotional affair. I feel I’m either being a bit misunderstood, or I’m completely an idiot, which is causing me quite a lot of stress with every new comment rolling in saying I’m a horrible person deliberately having an EA with a married man.

I’m not great with unpredictability, so not knowing if I’ve done something wrong or made a mistake is really eating away at me.

Would appreciate any input you have, even if it’s simply to say I’m wrong and need to go back to not having close friends because I’m not capable of keeping it artificial and light. A lot of people say I should only talk to married people in a group setting, but being in groups tends to stress me out and I can’t be myself at all.

I dont think you’re weird or clingy. You had ongoing friendship but for some reason he has decided not to continue.

It sounds like it was quite intense (which is not something only you are responsible for) and that is quite unusual with someone from the opposite sex. For NT people it is often inappropriate as feelings tend to develop and they end up in at least emotional affairs. He may have realised it, or his wife may have intervened, and the result is that he’s made a choice and withdrawn. That is his right but it doesn’t make it your ‘fault’.

Like most of society, Mumsnet generally doesn’t understand ND people. It was not an EA for you. You said didn’t view it that way and you’ve asked him to be clear as you don’t read the nuances. But the list they gave on the other thread might be helpful for keeping an eye on whether future friends might be having an EA from their perspective.

I would suggest talking it over with your therapist. For future friendships, perhaps try to focus on your own sex (because it tends to remove accusations of affairs) and keep a check on how much contact there is. Most NT people I know only check in with each of their friends once or twice a week, or less, and do stuff together only once a month or so (unless it’s kids play dates) so maybe use that as a guide? You don’t need to keep it artificial and light, but you do need to keep a handle on ‘how much’. I’d try to mimic the NTs.

Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts.

I tried to match his level of friendship. He would often be the first to text, and would often ask if I was too busy to chat if I didn’t reply on the same day. So to go from that to this, overnight, surprised me a bit and had me questioning whether this was normal post-baby behaviour or if I’d done something egregious.

Something I didn’t really expand on in the last thread, but I didn’t reply to his messages the two days before she was having the baby, as I thought his focus should be there, not discussing his projects with me. And I didn’t reply to his ‘it’s all fine’ post-birth message. So I am questioning now whether I’m the one who’s at fault and he thinks I don’t want to speak to him. But normally he’d message me regardless of if I replied, so it still feels ‘off’ as it’s not the usual pattern. So I’m wavering back and forward with sending a ‘hope all’s going well with the newest member of the family’ text, or just waiting to see if he does message me on his own accord. I wish this didn’t take up headspace for me, but it does.

In terms of hanging out, it was probably only a couple of times a month after we stopped working together, often after the kids were in bed and his wife had her own friends over for the evening and wanted him out the house. When we worked together, we’d take walks at lunch, commute to the office together, that kind of thing. So I never felt I was depriving his family of his presence because there was no way he could have spent that time with them anyway.

I’m the kind of person who doesn’t get much value out of meet once a month and talk just about work or other people friendships, so I tend not to have them. But I should work on that for the sake of having friends or at least acquaintances.

I read that thread and saw both sides very clearly.

I understood completely your not wanting to intrude - yet at the same time seeing it written down, of COURSE you send a gift to the family.

What I learned from your thread is that in the future when I’m posed with a “social dilemma” ill write it down, because then it becomes very clear.

As for being called weird - at my age that’s considered a badge of honour.

PS I was diagnosed 20 years ago abroad with me not fluent in the language - and fuck me, talking emotions is hard enough in English never mind another language. As a result I was diagnosed with BPD and it was only when I was “re-tested” back in the UK they said “yep, autistic”.

@EdgeOfSeventeenAndThreeQuarter

I read that thread and saw both sides very clearly.

I understood completely your not wanting to intrude - yet at the same time seeing it written down, of COURSE you send a gift to the family.

What I learned from your thread is that in the future when I’m posed with a “social dilemma” ill write it down, because then it becomes very clear.

As for being called weird - at my age that’s considered a badge of honour.

PS I was diagnosed 20 years ago abroad with me not fluent in the language - and fuck me, talking emotions is hard enough in English never mind another language. As a result I was diagnosed with BPD and it was only when I was “re-tested” back in the UK they said “yep, autistic”.

This was what I was afraid of (diagnosis abroad). Sorry to hear you were misdiagnosed, but I’m glad you managed to get it sorted back in the U.K.

Writing things down (maybe just for myself; as that thread was a bit of hell) might be a good way to sense-check myself in future. I’ll try it out. Thanks for the idea.

He's really busy, and while you don't sound like you were in any way trying to be inappropriate, he quite likely was. Wonder if his wife knew about all the lunches and shared commutes and whether he was coming to hang out because she "had her own friends over for the evening and wanted him out the house".
Sounds like either she found out and told him not to contact you, or the baby arrived and he had a sudden realisation that he's been an arse and is too ashamed to phrase it properly, or is being even more of an arse and blaming it on you.

Even if he was being above board, with a third child your leisure time becomes very shortened, so he just wouldn't have as much time. Even with 2, he possibly was not sparing enough time for family, with work plus an intense friendship plus maybe other hobbies or friends.

If you do become close friends with a man in future, you almost certainly do need to prioritise meeting his wife, not to be besties but to ensure that you're not unwittingly a 'bit on the side ' for him.

I didn’t reply to his messages the two days before she was having the baby, as I thought his focus should be there, not discussing his projects with me. And I didn’t reply to his ‘it’s all fine’ post-birth message. So I am questioning now whether I’m the one who’s at fault and he thinks I don’t want to speak to him

I’m not sure it’s helpful to think of this in terms of fault but I do think this is likely to have contributed to the misunderstanding.

You are (understandably) putting your behaviour under the microscope here but it might be useful to think about his as well. When you asked him to predict the effects of the baby, I suspect that you were over estimating his capabilities.

I think you were correct that his focus should have been on his wife. Again, I’m not sure you’re accounting for how distractible NTs can be. And of course there’s the distinct possibility that while you are holding the line he’s crossing it (by which I mean you are having a platonic friendship but he might be having an emotional affair)

You come across to me as a very thoughtful, considerate person.