Partner with asd

[Igotnewbarstools]

Hello,
I really don't know if I should post this and don't want to be flamed.

My partner has recently been diagnosed with autism. She refused to go to the doctor about it and she says she only went because "you made me"

We got together during lockdown after I had a pretty awful separation. My xh cheated with a 22 yeah old (we were 35, had been together 17years).

Things have been quite intense, my ds has adhd and was very difficult. He now lives with h.

Dp has awful meltdowns and self harms, sometimes when we argue she will say "I just want to hurt myself", "you're making me sad"
or "I just want to hurt myself". I find this manipulative but she says that she is not manipulating me. She says that me saying the is her manipulating her.

I really do love her, she is really supportive but I don't know what to do. How can I support her more?

Does anyone have any links/books I can read to try to understand the difficulties she is facing? I work in a nursery and have a lot of experience with children with ASN, but not in adults.

Thanks in advance.

As an adult with autism, to be honest with you, this doesn't sound great.

I got my diagnosis of Asperger's at 33 (I'm now 42), and it was a fairly intensive process involving my partner, with whom I have been been with for almost 20 years now (~10 years at the time), my family and friends. It wasn't easy, or nice, but what's done is done.

I'd say it then took another two years to work through the 'grief intensity scale' (very common in people diagnosed with conditions, including ND conditions, in later life) and I will warn you right now, anger is next and that is NOT pretty.

Am I right in saying that you have moved from a heterosexual relationship to a gay/bi relationship? Were both you and your partner previously in straight relationships?

This all sounds pretty massive and I don't think a book or a podcast is going to work you through it.

My OH had therapy himself both to help him come to terms with what was something of a grenade in our relationship and how he could find coping mechanisms to deal with it, and he is literally the most laid-back person I have ever met.

You've split up with your husband who cheated on you, you have an ND child to co-parent, you're possibly exploring a new sexuality and your partner is also just discovering they're ND?

Mate, this is a LOT for one person to cope with all at once. If I were you, I would probably step back from all of this for a few months and get your head on your shoulders. Your ND partner is an adult, she will do the same for herself.

Also: much like NT people, ND people can be complete shits.

They MIGHT be in the grip of disbelief/denial/anger, but equally, they might just be arseholes: I speak from experience, having been that arsehole.

You don't have to be nice to, or accommodating of somebody just because they're ND. Honestly.

They might just be being horrible, it happens.You are in no way obliged to stay in a relationship with anybody who makes you fundamentally unhappy.

I'm autistic and think her behaviour sounds manipulative. I have meltdowns but take responsibility for them, don't blame other people for causing them and deal with the fall out. I also don't threaten suicide.

Something that might help you both is reading about alexithymia, or difficulty understanding and dealing with emotions. Some therapy for her involving emotional regulation would be helpful if she is prepared to take part in it.

www.autistica.org.uk/what-is-autism/anxiety-and-autism-hub/alexithymia

I also agree you don't have a responsibility to stay in a relationship with someone just because they are autistic.

I agree that it is pretty full on.
Last night was particularly bad because she was applying for jobs and finds the process really stressful.

She has only really had female partners, h and I got together at 18 so I have only been in straight relationships.

It is a lot to take, things with my ds are very strained and it's having its toll on me.

I am seeing a therapist, to try to get over my h having the affair and put in perspective everything else.

I don't want this relationship to be over. I really do love her and believe she loves me. When we are good, we are really good.
She has also moved away from her home town and misses her "normal".
I know it sounds as though I'm making excuses for her, I guess I just want us to work.

I feel she needs to work through her diagnosis, it was just before Christmas so hasn't been long.

Thank you for replying.