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Just had my first PROPER meltdown for a long time...
AffIt · 13/03/2022 14:50
It's funny - I can go weeks, months, even a year or so 'passing' (was DX'd as an adult more than ten years ago), and then HELLO! IT'S SUPER-HAPPY AUTISTIC FUNTIME!
Haven't been well for a few days (just a cold, no covid, but first cold for two years, so, you know), not sleeping well, very stressed at work, elderly pet is ill.
This afternoon, the hoover (which I hate at the best of times) refused to play for whatever reason and BANG! that was it. Tears, screaming, kicking things, pulling at my own hair (my meltdowns are violent, which I hate). Then to top it all, I bit down so hard that I've knocked off one of my veneers, so I'll need to go to the dentist next week.
I have taken myself off to a safe, quiet space to calm down. In time, I'll go and apologise to my OH (who is lovely and will completely understand, but I still don't like putting him through that).
Just wanted to write it down. Thanks for reading. 
AffIt · 13/03/2022 20:08
@BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation
Thank you so much BIFRS (I love that acronym, do you like it?!) - I actually shocked myself today, it's been so long since I've had a 'proper' meltdown that I had kind of forgotten what it was really like / talked myself out of it.
Fortunately, my OH is so good and kind and understanding that he let me take myself away into my office at the back of the house without any argument or impediment, and I spent five hours reading up on diabetes in cats (our oldest boy has just been diagnosed and we're working on a treatment plan with our vets).
My heart rate shot to 185 and took 30 minutes to get back to my normal resting of 68.
Making a tofu curry now.
BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 13/03/2022 20:17
I don't mind being called BIFRS 😄
Glad you're feeling a bit better. Meltdowns are scary. I don't have them often, but will take a sedative if one happens these days. They're so difficult to stop.
I'm sorry your kitty has diabetes. It's not unusual these days with cats living longer. One of mine has asthma and has to use an inhaler with a little spacer 😄 they're just like us really.
You'll have to get a new vacuum?
LilyRed · 14/03/2022 01:38
I have a shark as well, it is not too noisy and much lighter than a Dyson, plus it sucks pet hair up well; it has comb jobs over the brush so you don't have to keep on removing hair, it does it for you.
But as Barrow said, they do fall over a bit I think as the hose isn't long 
I don't have outward meltdowns, but internalise them until I cease functioning; not good.
Still, a good curry to look forward to is a wonderful thing - we had Morrison's curries as I have the cold lurgy too.- and I hope your heart rate has normalised again - you must be very chilled normally as mine is usually around 80bpm
AffIt · 14/03/2022 01:59
Bless you, @LilyRed, for your calming words!
I am feeling a wee bit better, but not quite off the cliff yet (I'm still up at 2am and have work tomorrow... ). I will admit I scared myself today (but the curry was nice - tofu saag from Meera Sodha's 'East', highly recommended).
What do you mean by 'internalising'? That doesn't sound fun.
Taking all the Shark points into account and feeding them into a spreadsheet... 
Friendofdennis · 14/03/2022 02:52
Hello I came across your post as it is on active. I was drawn to it because you used the word meltdown. I have had meltdowns like this too and I have been trying to understand why they happen. They can be instant and very frightening. I have had to use all my strength of mind to stop myself from crashing my car I have broken so many things and there seems to not be that few seconds delay to hold back the anger that other people seem to have. Would you mind telling me if you have a diagnosis of a particular neurodiversity. I suspect that I may have ADD
LilyRed · 14/03/2022 11:56
@AffIt Internalising a meltdown is where instead of getting the rage and going with it, you stop it and walk away or whatever, but the rage stays inside you, and the next rage and so on.
For example I was furious the other day and wanted to roar in DP's face because he had annoyed me so much, but I walked away. And so it goes on until one starts to find it very hard to cope with all that fury pent up inside and it can lead to a breakdown.
I think that because female ASC was not understood in my childhood my mother simply believed I was very naughty and I was beaten every time...
AffIt · 15/03/2022 12:18
@Friendofdennis
Hello @Friendofdennis- yes, I received an NHS diagnosis of Asperger's (now HFASD, but I, and many others, prefer the original term of diagnosis).
I received it about ten years ago when I was 33 - I'm now 42.
AffIt · 15/03/2022 12:20
@LadyCordeliaFitzgerald
I'm much better today, thank you, although I took the day off yesterday (my director is truly lovely and very understanding, so I was able to take some time out and re-set!).
Yes, the shakiness and weird vulnerability is unpleasant - I think it's because rage and fear are such violent emotions. Thank you for your kind thoughts!
BlackeyedSusan · 15/03/2022 21:52
waffle warning... mainly in the context of my historical meltdowns, tell me to bugger off if necessary
if you feel up to it, do you think there were any warning signs where you could have buggered off to calm down a little bit earlier? this is something I am trying to work on myself as I have had some humdingers. mainly when people do not listen that I am at the point of meltdown and need to shut up and bugger off. (ex mainly) (see I was listening at all those seminars for the kids)
sometimes I can take preventive measures as there is a slow build and sometimes there is a light the blue touch paper and stand well back moment.
I can see where it was building up for you and getting you nearer to the pressure blowing point... (you list a whole lot of things that are going to raise the pressure on you) but I find it harder to see it here for me. probably because you get to the point where you feel guilty for not adulting "properly.".. ie a NT person can manage to ... xyz
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