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Neurodiverse Mumsnetters

Use this forum to discuss neurodiverse parenting.

Anyone else find friendships difficult

11 replies

rosequartz8 · 07/03/2022 14:22

As a child though I had friends I grew up with, I was always a target for bullies which I think partly really affected by self esteem from a very young age. This continued the whole way through secondary school aswell and even within my immediate family, I was rejected by my sister from the very time I was born and she has always been ashamed of my neurodivegence.

As an adult who is now in my late 30's, I still struggle with it all big time. I take an interest I people and their lives when I join things, but it's almost like some people can sense that I'm different and literally look at me like I have 2 heads. Sad to say lockdown life wasn't any different for me than normal life is.

A lot of the time I can cope with things ok but have always been hassled by therapists about how being alone is bad for me, almost like I am isolating by choice when I have tried time and time again to put myself out there but I just face rejection and more of the same bullying. Anyone else deal with this or get the sense of why it actually happens?

OP posts:
rosequartz8 · 07/03/2022 14:23

Apologies for typos, trying to type on a mobile phone :)

OP posts:
ofwarren · 07/03/2022 17:21

I don't have any friends at all as I find them much too hard work.
I also can pinpoint the times when people who I've tried to be friendly with have realised something is different about me. They notice something is off somehow and then distance themselves.

You may get on better with other ND people as they won't be put off by your quirks.

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 07/03/2022 17:58

I have a friend, but I constantly agonise over our interactions in case I've done it wrong. Her dh is autistic and there's a strong chance she is so I do get on with them, but I still worry.

Megmargs · 07/03/2022 18:33

Yes it’s very difficult. There’s nobody I would call on apart from family if I needed support. I’m very confused by one “friendship” I have where it seems to be completely one sided but then she will do something that makes me think she cares, but then completely ignores me at other times. It’s hard work and I’ve taken a step back from people and I’m actually pretty happy.

Turkishdelightchocisace · 08/03/2022 16:04

Yes it's been an ongoing problem for me. I have tried with people but it seems like a lot of people just don't want to know or only want to be friends for a short time and disappear from my life

Clarice99 · 08/03/2022 17:11

I have a few friends, but it has taken me a long time to work on cultivating friendships, how to actually do it, and how to maintain a friendship - but I'm much older than you OP.

My friends are 'separate' as in we are not a group of friends, I see them separately. I cannot cope with groups as I cannot understand the group dynamic, or deal with people all talking at once, or having unspoken competitions especially about appearance/dress sense. I also can't deal what I perceive as being 'fake'.

My friends are all aware of my autism and ADHD. All of them have some similar traits to me and/or have ND family members so they all 'get' me and my numerous quirks.

I have no family (NC) due to childhood abuse, so my friendships are important.

Obira · 08/03/2022 22:28

People don’t want to be my friend. I don’t know why. I guess there’s something wrong with me that they can see but I can’t. I’m obviously going around thinking I’m being normal and everyone else is looking at me going “what a weirdo”.

For example I joined a hobby and made acquaintances but never saw them outside of the hobby. Someone else joined after me. I didn’t see her doing anything different to what I was doing. But after a few weeks people were greeting her with hugs and they were meeting up outside of the hobby. I was thinking, you’ve known me longer but you never hug me or make arrangements to go out with me? I don’t know why people don’t like me but I find it very upsetting.

Mrspepperpoi · 08/03/2022 23:29

@Obira I feel like I could have written your post. This has been my situation aswell anytime I have joined any groups or got involved in anything. It has got to the point where I have really isolated myself and stopped going to a lot of things because I just fear being rejected all over again, I don't understand it either when I'm kind and make an effort with people Sad

BlueCookieMonster · 09/03/2022 13:36

Dude, same. It’s difficult isn’t it, there’s always like an extra layer of ‘stuff’ to go through that others don’t seem to.

Clarice99 · 11/03/2022 16:13

@Obira

People don’t want to be my friend. I don’t know why. I guess there’s something wrong with me that they can see but I can’t. I’m obviously going around thinking I’m being normal and everyone else is looking at me going “what a weirdo”.

For example I joined a hobby and made acquaintances but never saw them outside of the hobby. Someone else joined after me. I didn’t see her doing anything different to what I was doing. But after a few weeks people were greeting her with hugs and they were meeting up outside of the hobby. I was thinking, you’ve known me longer but you never hug me or make arrangements to go out with me? I don’t know why people don’t like me but I find it very upsetting.

There's nothing wrong with you! You just haven't met like minded people yet.

I bet if the ND women on this board met up, we'd all 'get' each other and friendships would be made and we'd be far more tolerant of each others quirks; tolerance that we are not afforded by most some NT's.

Please don't think it's you who's the problem. Flowers

Mummiepig · 12/03/2022 12:59

I've given up on friends, I'm torn, on the one hand I want friends, it looks fun and must be nice to be wanted and valued, but on the other hand it looks hard work and I'm not sure I can be bothered anymore, plus no one wants me around anyway, I'm either bullied or just left out
I started a new job with a woman similar in age to me I'll call her Claire, we started on the same day, trained together, she was funny, intelligent, we were at the same stages in our lives married with grown up children infact my son knew her daughter from school, I felt like we really hit it off, we had such a laugh in training, I thought this could be it, a friend,
She started getting on with the other staff, and I thought I was too, infact I felt we had very similar personalities, then she started talking more to the others, then they were all texting within a few weeks, I was yet to get anyone's number at thus point, she asked me for a lift as we live a few streets from each other, I agreed and said I must get your number, but I never got it, I picked her up and dropped her off numerous times and we would chat in the car but still I couldn't get her number, then I found out they were going on nights and days out without me, I was devastated
Where did I go wrong? How could I have done better? I really don't get it,
Then we all got made redundant, they all still meet up, they went out for a sort of Christmas do in December but I wasn't invited, it's the story of my life to be honest,
I just honestly don't know where I go wrong, I try to be friendly, nice, helpful, I don't gossip or bitch, but no one wants me around,, I'm OK as a lift or a temporary stop gap but not good enough as a friend

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