Have you always felt different and worked out why?

[PeacefulPrune]

As many of us here I am sure, growing up I always felt different. I felt like an outsider looking in. I've had lots of counselling and this was always put down to me being different in other ways. My parents being different heritage to eachother and to the people around me. I have still never met anyone with the mixed heritage that I am.
My parents were very religious so I felt different to them as I didn't believe in it. I felt different to my peers because I am a different race to them.

Anyway now I'm starting to explore the fact that I may have felt different due to Neurodivergence.

It's so annoying to me that probably it's a mixture of both things that made me feel different.

Has anyone else tried to sift through the reasons why they felt different. I'd love to hear your experiences.

Yes but I never had any idea why. I've always been a bit of a lone ranger despite trying quite hard to fit in.

A previous boyfriend used to say I was misunderstood. I didn't actually realise what he meant. It's only in the last few years I've realised I have ADHD.

When I was a teenager I had an elaborate, comforting fantasy that I had been sent from an alien planet to observe human behaviour, but had had my mind altered so I wouldn't know I was an alien and thus my experiences would be authentic. I used to imagine being beamed up and welcomed as a heroine and suddenly everything being 'right' because I was amongst my people.

That was a fantasy, obviously, and my reality was that I 'knew' I was just an oddball/weirdo/loser who would never fit in. It didn't occur to me to look for an actual cause.

This was in the 80s when there was far less awareness of neurodiversity. My only knowledge of Autism back then was a documentary about a 'savant' type boy of about 6 who could reproduce architectural drawings in fantastic detail from memory - in other words, the 'Rainman' stereotype which was the common idea of Autism in those days. I'd never heard at all of ADHD.

Yes I can definitely relate. I was always extremely sensitive as a child to the point where I cried over absolutely anything and things affected me really badly. Things gradually got a little bit better as I got older but not by much. I could never hold down jobs even though I was capable, I was bullied horrendously pretty much anywhere I worked or studied
I have also struggled big time in friendships. I always tend to be the friend that is just good until someone else comes along, I always tried my best to fit in but never did.

It's really not until last year that I finally began to look into the fact that I am neurodiverse and now so much actually makes sense, it still doesn't take away all the pain I went through of feeling so much different growing up, but I'm so much kinder to myself now and have stopped having harsh expectations things I can't do

It was made clear to me by my family that I was "odd","not right " and was repeatedly asked "why I couldn't be more like my sister ". I was and am a square peg that people keep trying to force int a round hole.
I spent years in therapy trying to fix me getting multiple different diagnosis until my ds got diagnosed with ASD and the team said I would understand being on the spectrum myself to say I was surprised would be a massive understatement queue a referral to the adult diagnostic team only to discover that I had been diagnosed as a teenager but it was dismissed as I was a girl so couldn't be autistic and must have BPD (my notes actually stated that). It made so much sense and explained why I hadn't noticed the blatantly obvious asd in my ds as he was just like me.
Now I'm happier in myself and accept that I will always be a square peg and that's ok

I felt the same as you growing up @PeacefulPrune. I always felt like I never quite fit. The way I felt, the way I reacted. I was diagnosed in my 20s as having borderline personality disorder. But two of my dds have been diagnosed as being autistic and having adhd I suspect it’s more likely I’m autistic. Growing up was really hard and I think it’s only in my 30s I’ve settled into myself a bit more. I still have horrendously low self esteem and anxiety though.

It's so lovely reading these replies.

@boardLikeAMirror that's amazing.

@Lookingforatimeslip I can't imagine the confusion and frustration if an incorrect or diagnosis.

I also have very low self esteem. I defo have RSD.

I’ve heard it’s very common in women with autism to be diagnosed with a personality disorder. It’s frustrating though.

Yes! I am probably older than a lot of you, and the fact that women and girls might be on the autistic spectrum was not really considered possible until the publication of Temple Grandin's first book about her ASC in 1986 - it still took a lot of time to be accepted here in the UK and although I had always known 'I wasn't like the others' I simply did not fit in.

I was very intelligent - high IQ yet continually failed at college, jobs, friendships and relationships. My mother especially made it clear that this must all be my fault. Thankfully my grandmother always accepted me however I was.

I am nearly sixty and it is only now I have sought a diagnosis, despite knowing for many years now that I am ND.

Yep I always feel I am born in the wrong place or time. Things always seem weird to me. Eg If I am in a clothes shop I just feel everything is bizarre eg the noises of clothes moved on the racks and people just going about as if this is normal. To me it seems very odd. I've been the same from a child. Was very quiet and passive until rebelling in my teens. I always tried to fit in and copied from other people.

Gosh yes I had never really thought about it until now, I always felt different, not quite the same and tried so hard to fit in, I didn't think the alien thing but when I was growing up I thought maybe I was an experiment, being permanently watched, a bit like a TV show where I was the only one being filmed to see what happened in my life, was there an actual film like that? The Trueman show? I'm 43 now and I think I started imagining the TV show when I was about 10, so probably before that actual film was ever released

I just googled it, the Trueman show was released in 1998, I started imagining it in 1988, I don't think I've ever even seen the film!

Omg @Mummiepig I had the exact same elaborate Truman-type fantasy about my life, also when I was about 10 or 11, far predating the film! I imagined that everyone else was part of an alien race, and they were staging an extremely elaborate experiment to trick me, and that the truth would be revealed when I was a certain age, 21 I think.
I've never been tested for any neurodiversity, but I've certainly felt other my whole life.

I've always struggled to fit in, been bullied, unhappy etc. My mother used to tell me to "try harder", "be stronger", "don't provoke them (by being yourself)". I've had anxiety and severe recurrent depression since my teens. I've had a horrible time recently having changed jobs and broke down to my psychiatrist yesterday. He listened, gave me a questionnaire and referred me to the adult autism team! No-one has ever mentioned autism to me before, even when dd2 was diagnosed at 15 and Dd3 has been flagged as possibly ASD as well.