Being autistic and mixing up pronouns

[ofwarren]

I'm 42 and autistic and I have real problems getting my words out when being verbal. I get sentences back to front and I also without even thinking, default to the pronoun HE. I've no idea why I say he, and not she, but my family is very male heavy so that may have something to do with it.
My older brother, who is also autistic does the same.

I will be talking to my children and will say something like, "was you talking to nanny? What did HE say?"
It just comes out.

I do worry as this is seen as a huge faux pas these days.

Does anyone else do this?

nouns go first for me. (names, and objects... )

@BlackeyedSusan

nouns go first for me. (names, and objects... )

Do you mean they are the first things you forget?
I'm ok with names funnily enough.

No but I did as a toddler. I’d say ‘Does she want a drink’ instead of ‘I want a drink’

@Itsnotover

No but I did as a toddler. I’d say ‘Does she want a drink’ instead of ‘I want a drink’

My brother does that too. He will say "He wants his drink", when he's thirsty.

I apparently did it all the time as a small child between 1st/2nd person. My mum used to tell it as an amusing story that, when my sister was born (I was 2) I went around telling people 'You've got a new baby sister'.

@BoardLikeAMirror

I apparently did it all the time as a small child between 1st/2nd person. My mum used to tell it as an amusing story that, when my sister was born (I was 2) I went around telling people 'You've got a new baby sister'.

😁
There is no way you aren't autistic. I love hearing all the little autistic things you do or did.

It does seem so obvious now, doesn't it ofwarren !

I call babies and children 'it' unintentionally, because that's the way I see them and my masking can't keep up with my mouth in these situations. I really struggle to use the right pronoun when someone has had a gender change, or are ambiguous in appearance and I don't know them well, especially under pressure or in stressful situations where lizard brain takes over. I don't want to upset anyone, so I just use people's names where I can now

My autistic DD when a small child wouldn’t even use I or me pronouns to refer to herself! She would toddle up and announce “Sara want biscuit”. (Name changed)
I am also autistic, both of us are gender critical, and there is no way either of us would be able to overcome the cognitive dissonance to use wrong sex pronouns for people claiming different gender identities. I’d have to either avoid them altogether or just use their name instead.

I think cognitive dissonance was the term I was looking for @Babdoc - it feels like one of those tests where you're shown the word 'blue' written in red and asked to describe it. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but I find I lose my words completely if I'm stressed and trying really hard to avoid offence, which is no good for me either.

I don’t do it myself but a number of the autistic children I work with do. Interesting to find it might actually be a “thing” rather than those specific children

I have family whose mother tongue doesn’t have pronouns. I’m used to being called he. Only silly people get offended or make a fuss if the wrong pronoun is used.

This is common in autism, there's a fair bit of research into it. I think it's because we kind of see ourselves in the third person, if that makes sense?

Don't worry about causing offence. I've plenty of friends in the non binary community and no one minds a genuine error, we're all human! It's only those that do it to be a dick that causes offence, as dicks generally do.

Not only ‘dicks’ - some people don’t want to say ‘she’ when the person is quite obviously of the male sex. It’s not easy to say RED when the word is written in green after all.

I think its quite common. My 10 year old twins with ASD still use mummy and daddy indiscriminately for me and their dad. The ed psych who saw one says it is common especially with people you are close to as the pronoun/descriptor doesn't register as important in their brain as other things about us are more important to them.... I still get vaguely offended that after 10 years I still get called daddy but they genuinely appear to totally not process it and get really upset if I call them out on it as they have no recollection of what they called me. I'm autistic with ADHD too so can't get to hung up on it as I'm sure I do worse 😁. I also struggle with cognitive dissonance and pronouns/gender. Especially as they/their feels all wrong grammatically which makes my autistic need for form and structure itch. I worry about causing offense too.

Or will only cause offence for those seeking offence.

Yes there was the case in wales where a special officer (trans man) was so so offended by a lad with autism asking something like ‘is that a man?’ (seriously, is that the worst they have ever heard?) that the lad was taken to court (I believe convicted with hate speech and fined).

So those offended will be people who are definitely looking to punish.

So - what to do? Can you try to slow down of you are around people who don’t know you? Try to be neutral where possible?

@KittenKong

Or will only cause offence for those seeking offence.

Yes there was the case in wales where a special officer (trans man) was so so offended by a lad with autism asking something like ‘is that a man?’ (seriously, is that the worst they have ever heard?) that the lad was taken to court (I believe convicted with hate speech and fined).

So those offended will be people who are definitely looking to punish.

So - what to do? Can you try to slow down of you are around people who don’t know you? Try to be neutral where possible?

Yeah this is why I try to use first names only now, my workplace is so far up stonewall's arse that I can even see autism being a valid reason if I fuck up..

*can't

@Babdoc

My autistic DD when a small child wouldn’t even use I or me pronouns to refer to herself! She would toddle up and announce “Sara want biscuit”. (Name changed) I am also autistic, both of us are gender critical, and there is no way either of us would be able to overcome the cognitive dissonance to use wrong sex pronouns for people claiming different gender identities. I’d have to either avoid them altogether or just use their name instead.

yep

@LizDoingTheCanCan

This is common in autism, there's a fair bit of research into it. I think it's because we kind of see ourselves in the third person, if that makes sense?

Don't worry about causing offence. I've plenty of friends in the non binary community and no one minds a genuine error, we're all human! It's only those that do it to be a dick that causes offence, as dicks generally do.

I'm not a dick, but there's no way I'd say 'she' for a male.

He = male. She = female.

There's no hatred in stating a fact.