I’m posting this in the Neurodiverse Mumsnetters board because I’m specifically looking for views from neurodiverse parents
I’m sure there are quite of few of us here with dc and I wondered if a place to chat about that might be welcome.
But I would also like some input on a looming situation. We have a family birthday meal coming up in a few days - significant gp birthday. Ds has asd and difficulties with mealtimes, food and enforced social situations.
I’ve drawn criticism in the past for allowing ds read at the table (hosting in my home) and leave when he wants. From gps perspective I’m not teaching him skills he needs to socialise. He’s not unfriendly or unwelcoming - he can be very charming and witty and fun, but he also needs to be able to withdraw too.
He has ongoing food issues and on a normal day the expectation is that you come to the table when called, chat a little then he withdraws into a book and eats a bit. He can leave the table when he’s had enough, and often will finish his meal later by himself.
Having dinner guests presents a lot of challenges - different smells for one thing between perfumes, aftershaves and food smells. More noise and chat. I think he handles himself well, and I’d rather he learn to withdraw politely than push himself too hard and either meltdown or be exhausted afterwards.
The gps grew up in a time where there was a narrow definition of “doing it right”, and anything else is a character flaw. Mostly they’re bemused by modern parents and I understand their concerns are well intentioned.
I struggle socially. I’m not autistic, but introverted and have adhd with a tendency to get a touch out of control and deal with rsd for days afterwards. I’m the product of an upbringing of learning to fit in to the “only right way” and I don’t want to pass on the legacy of self esteem and self worth issues.
I think ds is a lovely person with a lot to contribute and I think that it’s time that the NTs budge up a bit and accept that people can have quirks and issues and do things a bit differently.
I’m not exactly looking for advice - I’ll bring ds a book, hopefully sit him along the table from the gps where he won’t be in the firing line of a lot of questions, and take him off for a walk when he needs it. And I haven’t posted this in chat or aibu because I’m not particularly interested in hearing about how I should make him behave etc.
But I’m guessing that I’m not alone in being caught in this middle place of wanting to create an accepting space for our ND dc, that we weren’t afforded ourselves.
Sorry that’s very long. Happy to hear any views on it or any struggles anyone else might have as an ND parent themselves with either ND or NT dc.