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Original poster

Anyone else feel invisible as an autistic adult?

20 replies

BachAndByte · 21/02/2022 15:27

Both in wider society and on here (not this board, but MN in general)

Seems like a lot of people are prepared to make allowances for autistic children. But not for adults. We are expected to put up and shut up.

OP posts:
kobacat1981 · 21/02/2022 16:01

Yes all the time. it can be incredibly lonely. There really is a big lack of support. I have tried counselling but found that most of the therapists simply wanted to fit me into the neurotypical version of what they wanted. It's difficult

Original poster
BachAndByte · 21/02/2022 16:07

Yes, I’ve found that with therapy before. A lot of the models don’t seem to work very well if you are neurodivergent. For instance anything that says that feeling different from others is inaccurate!

It seems like as an adult you are judged purely on how well you can pass as NT.

OP posts:
kobacat1981 · 21/02/2022 16:29

I totally agree, it's kinda why I gave up on counselling

EatSleepRantRepeat · 21/02/2022 16:38

Yep, all the time. I get the "you wouldn't guess" response a lot when I disclose my status, both at work and with friends, and frankly some disbelieving attitudes. In my previous workplaces though I've been disciplined or pushed out when I couldn't keep up with the masking anymore, so it's a choice of being exhausted and miserable, or financially fucked and miserable. They're happy to have my hyperfocused, detail-oriented best bits, but as soon as someone takes a dislike to me because I'm not "one of the girls", I'm out. Sad

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 21/02/2022 16:55

I feel as though I'm existing in the places where they'd keep insane people back in the day.

EatSleepRantRepeat · 21/02/2022 17:10

I hope this doesn't offend, @BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation, but I've often wished there was an old style sanitorium I could fuck off to when it has all gotten too much. Sometimes my difficulties are made worse by the fact I'm constantly having to navigate them on my own.

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 21/02/2022 17:15

Yeah, it's the endless isolation that can be so stressful. It makes me feel dissociated sometimes, which is frightening in itself.

NTs just confuse me so much and I hate sharing the world with people whom I can't connect with in any way whatsoever. To me, it represents an existential threat.

Mabelface · 21/02/2022 17:17

I was, until recently when I was treated badly at work and this time I didn't back down, winning my appeal and grievance. Fuck that shit, I've had enough of it.

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 21/02/2022 17:21

@Mabelface hey, that's great, well done! 😀

EatSleepRantRepeat · 21/02/2022 18:37

Brilliant, well done @Mabelface! Wine

RainbowZebraWarrior · 21/02/2022 19:56

Yes, totally. As I also have a physical disability. People either ignore me totally or knock into me when I'm on my crutches and it's so bloody obvious. I braved M&S just before Christmas and (it was mostly elderly, but able bodied) people just pushed past, literally knocking me spinning. I'm not young, but I'm not old. But then it's clear I'm struggling to walk. I swear some folk get a kick out of it. I don't bother going in shops any more. Too much hassle and stares. And that's without them not appreciating I have other issues which are, of course 'invisible'

I was having a meltdown after DD had a bad morning one school day recently. I needed to pull my car to one side, just to breathe for a moment (I had been screaming and crying and knew I needed a minute to be safe to drive) An old chap came straight out of the house opposite and told me I couldn't 'park's there. I wasnt. I was stopping to catch my breath. He was shouting at my car window. I said "please leave me alone, I'm disabled" which feels like shit anyway. He continued shouting and trying to make eye contact going from my driver window to the windscreen. Bloody nightmare. I mean it's not like we don't stress enough about every journey / every detail of our day.

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 21/02/2022 20:13

@RainbowZebraWarrior you should have squirted him with the screenwash 😆

Seriously though, I don't know how people can be so callous as to treat people so horribly when they obviously have a disability.

PeacefulPrune · 21/02/2022 20:19

There are autistic counsellors out there! Don't give up on it.

Nortd · 21/02/2022 21:20

I found it 50/50 when I became a teenager whether people would be sympathetic/understanding (even indifferent would be good) or not. As an adult that basically turned to zero, I think we're suppose to grow out of autism or something🤷‍♀️

EinsteinVonBrainstorm · 21/02/2022 21:46

I don’t want to sound smug but that’s not my experience at all. I am what I am and people can take me or leave me!

AffIt · 22/02/2022 12:51

In real life, no - but I am quite a big personality (I 'embraced my weirdness' from a young age and am in the unbelievably lucky position of having friends, family and colleagues who know, love and support me).

I was also fortunate enough to receive my NHS diagnosis, relatively quickly, in my early 30s - I'm 42 now - so got it at a kind of 'sweet spot' as an adult.

(Trust me, not a single day goes by when I don't count my blessings for all of the above - I know it's not the same for everybody and I'm trying desperately not to sound self-satisfied or dismissive of others' experience.)

Online, particularly as an autistic adult? Yes.

To me, the entire tone of NT adults responding to the experiences and advice/input of ND adults - even when they're bloody well asked for them - can be summed up by that Marvel Loki meme of 'Yes, very sad. Anyway!'.

That's why - and I know my opinion isn't a popular one round here - I'm wary of NT parents on this board.

AffIt · 22/02/2022 12:53

'They've asked for them', not 'they're'. Grrr.

LightfoldEngines · 22/02/2022 13:18

@AffIt I’m also very wary of NT parents, particularly those with ND children who will NOT listen to or accept ND adults lived experiences as ND children. It both boils my piss and chills me to the bone at the same time!

Clarice99 · 22/02/2022 17:24

@Mabelface

I was, until recently when I was treated badly at work and this time I didn't back down, winning my appeal and grievance. Fuck that shit, I've had enough of it.
Well done 🥂

I've been down that route recently and come out on top too.

I was subject to bullying and disability discrimination. What the bullying manager didn't plan on was me keeping meticulous records and proof of her discriminatory behaviour and actions. Being autistic has benefits and I wouldn't ever want to be anything other than who I am Grin

Vindication brings such a great feeling.

Clarice99 · 22/02/2022 17:35

I've just realised that I haven't answered the question!!!

I don't feel invisible. I can feel minimised as in 'well you seem to be coping so what's the problem?' But when that happens, I don't just roll over and accept it.

This kind of thing, minimising, usually occurs at work though, in relationships that I don't choose, I just get paid for. In my chosen relationships, I wouldn't give people the time of day if they had that attitude towards me. I accept people have limitations and I expect to be afforded that same respect.

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