Seeking advice from autistic and socially anxious mumsnetters

[Teenylittlefella]

Hi there
My son is autistic and has selective mutism. He had a complete autistic burnout in sixth form and had to drop 1 A level and barely attended for the others, but he got a C and an E. He started year 12 predicted 3 As. This was in 2020 so teacher assessed.

Pre lockdown he could/ would not do any school work at home. I think it was a blurring of his spaces and an interference with his "problem free" space.

Lockdown seems to have caused the opposite problem. He is very comfortable online and now doesn't see the need to leave his safe space (his bed) in order to access work and courses. He is doing an online programming course, engaging well, almost 100 percent attendance - but he never gets up. He spends, I would say, 23.5 hours a day in bed. He gets up to get food or go to the loo and that is it. He doesn't get dressed but has his camera off.

Whilst on the one hand I am glad that he is feeling better enough to engage in his course - he is a very good programmer - I am worried about how long term I can try to move him into a slightly more active life where he is at least getting up and dressed and working at a desk rather than from bed. I am mostly worried about his physical health. He was always very very skinny but he is not any more. I would imagine he does less than 500 steps a day most days.

Any ideas anyone?

Dog walking?

What does he say when you mention it?
Is he selectively mute with you or just other people?

No he speaks with me fine - but only if he has something to say!

We have a dog but unfortunately it won't walk with him unless one of us goes too (or any of the other kids). He very occasionally joins us for a walk.

Part of the issue is that he is very unmaterialistic and not at all motivated by money or acquisitiveness at all.

Was there anything he liked to do before he started staying in bed?
Is programming his only special interest?
Sorry for all the questions, I'm just trying to get an idea of what he's like.

(which I admire!)

I adore him and he has very few demands on him. He has to wash twice a week as an absolute minimum, and put rubbish in his bin. He was incredibly mentally unwell and he is SO much better, but I worry for his long term physical health

Would he consider something like a switch sport game or any other console sports game. Me and dh (both autistic and he's a programmer) often use that type of thing for exercise rather than outside.
I'd highly recommend him a desk/standing desk though even if he doesn't exercise, could you talk to him about how if he wants to do programming he will need to keep his wrists and arms health and laptop in bed with no a proper setup could cause issues with rsi and carpel tunnel down the road.

He loves gaming. He likes chess a bit and occasionally joins the family for games nights. He never watches TV or films. He used to like physics and microbiology at school. He researches voraciously online and is very knowledgeable about lots of things. He has one local friend and they go to each others' homes once a week or so. That's the only time he gets dressed.

He likes animals, he likes his grandma and occasionally I will book him a ticket to get a train to hers.

He used to be into Pokémon etc but not now he's a young adult.

I think perhaps he needs a more credible person to talk to him...?

Itmight be discussed in his course? If he would take it better from another authority than you and loves to research online, it might be good to see if he will research about it, there a tonnes of YouTube videos, stackoverflow, blogs etc about programming and the importance of good ergonomics.

You both sound lovely. It's natural for you to worry, but compared to where he was, he's made some real steps forward.

I can be a bedroom-habiter. Some things that help are:

• Making the bed. You can still sit on it, but if you put the cover over etc, it won't have your daily smells etc when you're going to bed. Also, airing the room and the bed for an hour a day. The latter is to build up to, as it means moving away from your safe space.

• Getting changed. This can be putting on other pyjamas, or putting on some joggers or soft clothes. Doing this means, when he does feel like moving out of his space, the first hurdle (proper clothes) has already been overcome.

• Food/ health wise, is fresh easily eatable fruit/ healthy snacks always available? If it is then, he might not want it now, but there will be a point where he does. That could be the start of more healthy changes. One step at a time.

Hope that helps. And you are a credible person to talk to, you have far more insight than most.

Thanks very much everyone - Corr those are helpful tips, thanks. He finishes this course in about 5 weeks I think and then I am looking into other things he can do. I did wonder about looking at volunteering opportunities, maybe just 1 day a week or similar? He finds people very exhausting and I don't think he is up for a full time job or likely ever will be. He needs his downtime and recovery time. Would it be better to try to introduce such changes as part of the next "project" as it were? Rather than trying to introduce something half way through what he will be perceiving as a successful course (and of course it has been successful in terms of his self belief etc, which took such a hammering when he couldn't keep up with work volume and expectations in the subjects he was good at which triggered, I think, his huge burnout). He is the bravest guy I know; he insisted on trying to finish the two remaining A levels and pushed himself to get up and into school when he felt absolutely wretched but couldn't get into the lessons 90 percent of the time. His two A levels represent an absolute triumph of courage. I am super proud of him.