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Neurodiverse Mumsnetters

Use this forum to discuss neurodiverse parenting.

Autistic people in happy relationships/marriages!

9 replies

user1471548941 · 19/02/2022 07:05

My wedding is tomorrow and today I read a depressing statistic about only 5% of autistic people being married. Coupled with those horrible threads about relationships about people with autism, it all seems doom and gloom but I want to hear some happy stories!

So please tell me about your happy relationships, whether the other person is neurotypical or neurodiverse!

My soon to be husband is neurotypical (excellent social skills!) but pretty introverted so we have a quiet home life but he is fab. He supported me through my diagnosis when we were just colleagues and then since we’ve been together he’s always encouraged me to be entirely myself.

He wraps me in a blanket and makes the dinner when I come home from work tired, which allows me to keep doing my dream job and I can verbally stim at him to my heart’s content (he even “talks” back to me in some of my favourite noises now!).

We have utterly ridiculous conversations where I ask something straightforward like “where’s the cat?” And he replies “he’s asleep” and I have to explain that I was actually for the location of said cat, not his current occupation and then we fall about laughing about his very neurotypical interpretation of a simple bloody question and our completely different interpretations of a social scenario.

He’s completely fab and I’m feeling very loved up so please lets share the love!

OP posts:
WouldYouHaveAproblem · 19/02/2022 08:51

Oh my word OP he sounds amazing! I don't have any stories but I wanted to say you sound very lucky Flowers. I have a suspected-ASD-but-unassessed 20 year old and live in hope of him having a loving relationship one day.

BoardLikeAMirror · 19/02/2022 09:01

Congratulations and I hope you have a lovely day tomorrow!

I've been married 18 years. It isn't a perfect marriage by any means but it works more or less! My husband is NT but has some physical health problems.

He's mostly tolerant of the 'different' things about me although often comments in an affectionate way that something I'm doing is weird. He's used to doing some things, like telling me specifically that he has locked the door, switched the heating off and made sure the landline is on its base before going to bed. He understands that I have a 'window' for doing things such as going shopping - i.e. if it gets past a certain point in time that I've set in my head, I feel it's too late to go (even if the shop is open for another 5 hours) so if I say my window is closing, he will stir himself to go. He doesn't mind that of the two Lidls in town, I will only go to the 'clockwise' one (they have mirror-image layouts).

The main point of strife is my inattention to him when I am focusing on something. I can be quite snappy when I am in the zone of doing something and feel he is getting in my way or distracting me. He gets angry if he's told me something and I simply haven't heard.

He is also a chronic 'faffer' whereas if I'm doing something I need to just do it, so that winds me up.

I do still cover up in front of my husband - I turn loud verbal 'noises' into groans about imaginary aches and pains because it feels too complicated to explain I'm groaning about something embarrassing I did 5 years ago that I can't get out of my head! He's used to me quietly muttering random-sounding things to myself - not sure what he makes of it.

But I feel that all long marriages, whether the partners are NT or ND or a combo, will involve adjusting to how you each operate and there will be areas where you clash.

There aren't many people I feel I could be married to - I had two relationships prior to meeting my husband in my late 20s- I never found it easy to 'get a boyfriend' - my first boyfriend opened our acquaintance by complimenting me on my outfit and I genuinely thought he was taking the piss out of me, because that's what I was used to males doing!

From all you say, it sounds like your soon-to-be-husband is lovely and supportive of you - it's great that he looks after you and also that you can laugh together about your communication clashes! I'm sure you will continue to have a lovely life together.

Clarice99 · 19/02/2022 09:02

I have been with my husband for 35 years. He is NT, I'm ND. I have late diagnoses for autism and ADHD. I've always known I'm 'different' but no one (medical professionals) would listen. My husband still maintains the fact that I wasn't 'one of the herd' was what attracted me to him in the first place.

Our marriage hasn't been 100% plain sailing, I don't believe any relationship can be without its ups and downs, but we're still together after 35 years and we love, care for and respect each other. We still learn from each other even now.

@user1471548941 your relationship sounds lovely ❤️ I hope you have a wonderful wedding and more importantly, a long and happy marriage!

Trinacham · 19/02/2022 09:12

I'm neurotypical, very happily married to someone who isn't. Together for going on 12 years this year (met as teens) and I have our 4 week old son in my arms right now 🤗
We definitely have our ups and downs but I adore DH and couldn't be without him. The downs are always something so small and silly. We have worked full-time together for 9 years too, so around each other 24/7 and still haven't got on each other's nerves! He's recently gone back to work from paternity leave and I really miss the time we had together in the 'newborn bubble'!😔

Mabelface · 19/02/2022 09:24

Although I'm now divorced, I was with my ex husband for 20 years. He's undiagnosed ND and is finally looking towards a diagnosis. I have no regrets, we just got to the point of wanting different things in life. For example, he's far more sociable than me. He's a lovely man, just not my man any more.

duvetdayforeveryone · 19/02/2022 11:49

My husband and I both have Autism, and we have been married for 12 years. He is my best friend. We both accept each other for who we are. I'm a selfish disgusting slob, and he is an obsessive narrow minded control freak.

duvetdayforeveryone · 19/02/2022 11:51

Congratulations on your up-coming wedding :)

user1471548941 · 19/02/2022 13:34

Thank you so much everyone!

It’s a frantic day today but I’ve checked in on this whilst having my hair done and your stories have warmed my heart and reminded me how excited I am to marry him, even in all the chaos that’s currently going on!

OP posts:
BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 19/02/2022 13:35

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding 💑

I've been with dh for 22 years and married for 19. He's possibly autistic, but isn't interested in being assessed. I'm autistic and adhd. We totally get each other and he calms me down when I'm distressed and I motivate him when he's having inertia. He has endless patience and I have drive and enthusiasm and good ideas. We just complement each other. We have the same tastes and goals.

It is definitely possible to have a happy marriage when you're autistic 😃

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