ND couples, how to support each other

[AwkwardPaws27]

DH & I are butting heads recently; we're usually good at making an effort to communicate and discuss rather than argue, but me being pregnant plus a week of covid isolation is starting to wear us down.

We strongly suspect DH has ADHD and are trying to get a referral for assessment; GP has been pretty useless, doesn't understand right to choose etc, has referred DH to local mental health team for 2nd time (who are also useless with ND). I'm trying to be supportive and have signposted DH to guidance, templates letters, offered to help write a list of how it affects him etc. Ball is in his court now as I can't do it for him & he's not doing anything to progress it. I'm 25 weeks pregnant and he says he wants to get medication before the baby arrives (!). We could potentially go private but even then I know there are waiting times & it's v unlikely that would happen by then.

I probably have autism. Not the best communicator although try really hard, yet always seem to put my foot in it. Especially bad with tone of voice (mine and others). I'm struggling with how to support him.

I've tied myself in knots trying to do things how he asks but he doesn't really know what will help & when I try I tend to get it wrong (for example, trying go give really clear reasons for why I'm asking him to do something a certain way when previous requests haven't changed things ie "can you please spread towels out when leaving them to dry. If you fold them up, they will not dry due to reduced surface area. Then they stay damp or begin to smell" or "can you please put the boxes in the loft. My bump is getting bigger and I am now struggling to squeeze past them as they block the landing" - but he felt the way I said it was patronising. I thought understanding why I was asking might help but it doesn't & I'm not sure how else to ask).

We've been planning to paint the baby's room for months. It's bare plaster & although baby won't need it til 6 months, all the stuff is around the house & needs to go in the room. I can't work out how to get him to help. If I suggest it at the weekend, he says he doesn't feel like it (neither do I but it needs to be done) but I appreciate that's really hard to start with ADHD. If I go start doing something like DIY without him it makes him feel bad (& I can't really be up a ladder doing the ceiling). He said lets make a plan to do it on x weekend, it came and went without happening. I probably should have pushed to do it, but I feel like I'm nagging (he says I'm not and that I should push him but I don't want to, I hate having to ask repeatedly).

Are there any tips for getting started on something like this with ADHD? I want to be supportive but I also need to start getting things organised as I'm feeling stressed by not having things ready.

You sound like you’re doing a good job communicating and probably your DH needs to do a better job communicating what would help him get things done.

I admit as an ADHD person that I can be really resistant to requests sometimes and I don’t even know why. I think if it feels like a demand then I respond badly. On the other hand, if it feels more like a challenge - a request about whether I can be the one to solve a problem - I might rise to it. However it can’t really be up to you to try and frame things in the right way!

It’s hard to get started on something that isn’t very interesting so one solution for me is to make it interesting. When I wasn’t that interested in decorating the baby’s room (which I didn’t do until a while after the baby arrived I have to admit) I managed to do it when I decided to decorate it like something from my childhood that I was excited about recreating and then it became a cool project to me.

That’s my system but there may be other ways!

People with adhd usually feel anxious and overwhelmed with tasks so is there a way of him seeing treatment for the anxiety whilst he's waiting for assessment?

Adhd people don't have enough dopamine in their brains, can you get him to look at ways to increase dopamine such as exercise or giving small rewards once a task is completed? Get him to look at nootropics for adhd. I'm having success by taking ashwaghanda and mucuna pruriens because I can't take the adhd medication. These reduce anxiety and increase dopamine. Obviously do your homework regarding safety and side effects, but they're not regarded as problematic health wise.

@BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation

People with adhd usually feel anxious and overwhelmed with tasks so is there a way of him seeing treatment for the anxiety whilst he's waiting for assessment?

Adhd people don't have enough dopamine in their brains, can you get him to look at ways to increase dopamine such as exercise or giving small rewards once a task is completed? Get him to look at nootropics for adhd. I'm having success by taking ashwaghanda and mucuna pruriens because I can't take the adhd medication. These reduce anxiety and increase dopamine. Obviously do your homework regarding safety and side effects, but they're not regarded as problematic health wise.

He's already taking an SSRI & had some talking therapy for the anxiety, but feels the ADHD is the root issue.

I've suggested exercise, we pay £45 a month from the joint account for a gym membership he never uses.

I'm not sure how to get him to do stuff? How do I motivate him without a) nagging and b) it becoming my full time job (I already have one of those & I'm frankly not going to have time with a newborn).

He's got lots of hobbies and interests, we're extending the house soon so he can have a home office with space for all his music stuff.

He has a kanban board and if I remind him of stuff he says it's on the board but... stuff on the board doesn't often translate to actions.

He's got lots of hobbies and interests, we're extending the house soon so he can have a home office with space for all his music stuff.

So he is active in doing the stuff he likes? That’s a good sign in a way. Again I wonder if he can do a necessary tasks such as tidy if it connects to some deeper motivation e.g. he gets more space freed up for his hobby stuff, can sell some old things to put towards new guitar etc. (though obviously not at the expense of what you actually need the space and money for, such as a new baby).

Another solution where feasible is to pay someone to do tasks that need doing rather than keep suffering over them inevitably not being done. We resort to that often. The money you save from cancelling the unused gym membership could go to that.

I have a whiteboard going on with tasks and it’s kind of like a task graveyard where things go to be forgotten. It’s almost like once they make it to the list and I thus designate them “in hand” it gives my brain a license to forget them.

I feel your frustration. You are doing fab with a lot in your plate.

I have found "how to adhd" YouTube channel really helpful in giving strategies to help me get on with things also explains why it's difficult. Me and my husband both have issues so really helped us and the videos are really easy to watch

So he is active in doing the stuff he likes?

From my perspective, yes. From his, he says he doesn't spend enough time on them. Part of the reason for the home office is that he's WFH permanently now, part is so he can have his music equipment etc set up so he can record things more easily.

He often moans about "having to do DIY every weekend" but it's actually about 1 weekend in 4.

I'm happy to get professionals in and pay, even though it will mean doing stuff a lot slower, but I really struggle with organising it all. I got someone to put a light up for example and they left it not working, had to have it redone.

We've talked about getting a cleaner but I feel really awkward about it and don't know where to start to find someone trustworthy who won't judge me!

he gets more space freed up for his hobby stuff, can sell some old things to put towards new guitar etc
We recently had a new loft ladder installed (bigger hatch and done by professional one-stop company to make it easier) and have been sorting out the loft. I got rid of lots - we need to space with baby due soon plus we're going to have to clear most of the ground floor for the extension. I have had a pile of boxes and two huge amps taking up ¼ of the living room for the last 4 weeks. Apparently he is selling them (money to be put towards stuff for his new office or music equipment) but they haven't been listed yet

Re: He often moans about "having to do DIY every weekend" but it's actually about 1 weekend in 4.

I understand this is a task paralysis type thing. If we do one job that takes an hour, he'll see that as being "the whole weekend" because that's what he'll focus on. I'd prefer to just get it done first and have the rest of the weekend to do nice things, whereas it'll loom over him until 4pm on Sunday when he may or may not do.

Sorry OP it sounds super frustrating for you!

Also, I hope your DH knows that once the baby arrives, hobbies may probably be out the window for quite a while and his needs will drop down the list. It won’t just be DIY of a weekend but much harder work.

I guess some things that may work for activation on tasks are rewards (let’s get this done and then go out for pizza) or possibly temptation bundling (let’s listen to our favourite podcast while we do this task together) and also squeezing stuff into time cracks sometimes can do it (after we come back from x, we’ve got 2 hours to sort this before we have to go to y.)

My DH often does the sort of clearing the decks aspects of stuff for me. Like he hands me a coffee, gets the task set up, and then by that point I’m kind of able to get in the zone and tackle it - and the plus is that whereas he will want to give up on a bit of ikea furniture that is proving too tricky, I will be the one who can’t let it go until I sort it out. So everyone plays to their strengths!

Also there may be other aspects of this which are not ADHD related.

Also, I hope your DH knows that once the baby arrives, hobbies may probably be out the window for quite a while and his needs will drop down the list

I thought he did before TTC. I don't think he actually really thought about it properly in terms of impact. I've been trying to explain it and encouraging him to find other people to lean on (his brother for example or other friends/family who have kids) as I know I probably won't be able to support him and I'll need more support in the first few months at least. The last thing I need is my DH becoming depressed or saying we've ruined our lives when I've just birthed a human.

I think part of my worry is that I'm not going to be able to do as much for him in terms of rewards or clearing the decks etc. I can't just crack on and clear a room to decorate now, for example, as I'm pregnant and can't move heavy stuff easily. We've got building work for the extension starting in a few weeks and I won't be able to clear those rooms myself.

Absolutely. You are pregnant and you should be thinking mostly about yourself and the baby so this is not ideal to say the least! You are doing a lot of work in trying to also plan for all eventualities and you’ve laid all the groundwork for your DH to pursue ADHD diagnosis and support. You can’t really do much more there and you shouldn’t have to. Sounds like you’ve really been taking the lead on some things for a while and you just really need him to “take the reins” for a bit which is absolutely reasonable. Just from a practical perspective, I therefore think it is really worth securing all the help that you can from outside sources, whether that’s a regular cleaner or other family/friends to help with moving boxes. That’s the main part that you can really control I think.

Sounds like you’ve really been taking the lead on some things for a while and you just really need him to “take the reins” for a bit which is absolutely reasonable

This is it really - but I don't feel I can ask him to as he's not doing it on purpose, it's because of the ADHD.

I don't know where to start with looking for a cleaner. None of our friends have one & although MIL does they aren't close enough to clean for us. Plus I think I'll get judged for having a cleaner while on maternity leave & I'm not sure we can actually afford one with the rising energy bills.

The in-laws would usually help with stuff but they are both having surgery for joint replacements in the next few weeks (!) so I'm feeling the pressure.

You are under loads of pressure at the moment no doubt. It’s great that you are finding it in you to be sympathetic to your DH’s challenges despite that.

We got a cleaner when DD was a few months old as it had become a necessity. We just typed it into Google and got one through an agency. She came to visit and I think I was supposed to ask questions to vet her - at least I think that’s what she seemed to be expecting - I was literally just like “when can you start??” and “what cleaning products do I need to buy for you?”. She wrote me a wee list. In practice I don’t find it awkward now that I am used to the whole process and she is very nice. Also my shame makes me tidy the house before she comes to clean otherwise I wouldn’t get round to it!

People maybe did judge a little bit for getting a cleaner on mat leave but probably nowhere near as much as I needlessly judged myself. However, I am completely over any self judgment now. I’ve got a child, I work, I study, me and DH have been dealing with illness and disability and we are doing our best. Someone else out there may be managing it all better than me and good for them but we are doing ok.

Having a cleaner every other week, especially if you don’t use an agency (ours since left hers bringing the cost down considerably) might not be all that expensive. Cancelling the gym membership for example could completely cover it depending on where you live. It would here.