Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Neurodiverse Mumsnetters

Use this forum to discuss neurodiverse parenting.

Original poster

Hope this is ok

27 replies

Iwasonline · 17/02/2022 10:31

The more I read on this board, the more I'm like....
Yes
Yes
Yes
I do that too
And that.....

I've suspected for a while I might have asd. It impacts many areas of my life but mostly my marriage. The rest I kind of muddle along with. Work is ok because I'm self employed and can take time off if I need to have some reset and I can also pick and choose the work I take on. I have several friends that don't mind my inconsistency and they say my outlook on the world is refreshing. So I guess I'm ok with my friendships. Parenting is tough.

We are soon to have an asd diagnosis for my eldest. He is A LOT like me.

I'm starting to realise that i have sensory issues. Noise is a particular issue. And little things like not tolerating the feel of my bath mat. The bath mat makes my teeth itch.

I dont even know the point of my post. I'm just musing I guess. I also don't know what to do with the information I'm learning

OP posts:
ThirdElephant · 17/02/2022 10:36

Up to you if you want to do something with it. Do you think it'd help at all to have a label to put on it?

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 17/02/2022 10:45

A diagnosis isn't a label. Labels are for jars of jam Hmm

A diagnosis can be very useful for facilitating insight into your mind and its workings.

Spudlet · 17/02/2022 10:50

I don’t know what to advise but just to say - I feel a bit like that too. I feel like I muddle through pretty well most of the time, but there are things I just don’t seem to get, like friendships - I mean I have friends and I love them, but I don’t know how you get to the point of having someone to just meet for a coffee or something? I just don’t know how to do that. And I struggle to know what to do in some situations, like reading the undertones of office politics and things, and I find myself rehearsing conversations all the time, like every time I go to see a new client I have to visualise the conversation and I’ll be talking to myself in the car on the way there, working out what I might say…

But then maybe everyone does that? I don’t know. I just know since DS got his diagnosis, it’s made me wonder.

Anyway - you’re not the only one, op.

user1493494961 · 17/02/2022 11:02

You'll still be the same person.

Original poster
Iwasonline · 17/02/2022 11:04

For me coffees are easy. But I'm beginning to be aware that I monologue a lot. Or just stare at peoples faces. I compulsively count people's faces. But people seem to like me so that's ok. My default is just smile all the time and that seems to work Grin

OP posts:
BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 17/02/2022 11:08

You'll still be the same person.

Actually no you're not. Learning that you're a different type of person to the one you've always assumed you were can lead to a fundamental redefining of the person you now are. Many autistics report such thoughts and feelings following diagnosis.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 17/02/2022 12:26

Have to say, I aree with everything Barrow says.

BoardLikeAMirror · 17/02/2022 12:36

I have started on the path to seeking a diagnosis, for the reasons Barrow says. I am hoping I can stop thinking of myself as a failure (within NT parameters), and start thinking of myself as a valid human being.

Original poster
Iwasonline · 17/02/2022 12:46

It's really interesting. I don't see myself as a failure at all. But it would be really nice to understand that some of my quirks are not just me being an arsehole. I love my positive idiosyncrasies. But when I'm literally having a hyperventilating meltdown at my husband because the dishwasher wasn't emptied at 7am - it would be nice to be able to rationalise that in my head. - it's why I always get up - it has to be done at 7 and it's hard to make other people realise that

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 17/02/2022 12:46

someone else who got diagnosed late in life suggested that it was a good idea to get diagnosis , even in middle aga as if you deteriorate in your ablilty to mask when you are older you will have legal protection and they will have to make reasonable adjustments for you. Makes sense as I already find it more difficult to keep up with the demands of society.

BlackeyedSusan · 17/02/2022 12:48

@BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation

You'll still be the same person.

Actually no you're not. Learning that you're a different type of person to the one you've always assumed you were can lead to a fundamental redefining of the person you now are. Many autistics report such thoughts and feelings following diagnosis.

oh
BlackeyedSusan · 17/02/2022 12:49

that needs thinking about because the year since diagnosis has been tough

and the time from going oh heck... to visiting the GP and then the wait for appointment... was also tough.

BlackeyedSusan · 17/02/2022 12:50

readjusting to all the shouty episodes being an autistic meltdown... not being an arse for the sake of it...

Original poster
Iwasonline · 17/02/2022 12:56

If I get a diagnosis, or pursue an assessment, I'm not sure of the impact on my marriage. I worry it will cement my desire to not live with my husband. This is already half planned but a scary prospect. I don't want it to be my 'fault'

I'm remembering one occasion when dh said he would be finished with work in 2 minutes. He waltzed down 15 minutes later to me in an angry mess. At the time I remember thinking how unreasonable he was. But if I view that through a potential asd prism then that's a totally different ball game

OP posts:
ofwarren · 17/02/2022 13:04

My sense of self changed dramatically. My whole life pre diagnosis was a lie. I masked every minute of every day, it was absolutely exhausting.
People who I knew before diagnosis wouldn't recognise me at all. Everything from my body language, what I wear, the way I walk and the way I hold myself is different.
Even the things I like are different because I'm finally nurturing the true me.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 17/02/2022 13:14

@ofwarren

My sense of self changed dramatically. My whole life pre diagnosis was a lie. I masked every minute of every day, it was absolutely exhausting. People who I knew before diagnosis wouldn't recognise me at all. Everything from my body language, what I wear, the way I walk and the way I hold myself is different. Even the things I like are different because I'm finally nurturing the true me.
This.

And I was the same about lateness. Absolute fury would bubble inside me at the persons lack of respect. It was taken very personally. But then, I still find so many behaviours in most people disrespectful. And most of the world to me seems to utterly lacking in awareness.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 17/02/2022 13:15

So utterly lacking in awareness

Clarice99 · 17/02/2022 20:02

@ThirdElephant

Up to you if you want to do something with it. Do you think it'd help at all to have a label to put on it?
A diagnosis is not a label.

Would you say the same of someone who's diagnosed with diabetes? That the diabetes is a label?

I see this label term used all too frequently where autism is concerned. It's offensive as well as being factually incorrect.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 17/02/2022 21:07

Totally agree. The 'Label' thing comes up a lot. Inevitably (and rightly so) it gets called out.

Seems the people who say it, aren't ND. MN really needs to hide this board from Active. I've already asked them to do this.

ThirdElephant · 18/02/2022 00:19

A label is a classifying phrase or name applied to a person or thing, especially one that is inaccurate or restrictive

I feel that a lot of the time it is restrictive and limiting. I find 'diagnosis' to be inappropriate for neurodiversity as I feel it's been wrongly pathologised and I'm not the only one who feels that way (link below). Personally, if I go through the screens they are suggestive of ASD for me. However I, personally, feel that this label wouldn't be helpful to me, so I don't pursue it.

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/science/blog/2015/jul/16/autism-doesnt-have-to-be-viewed-as-a-disability-or-disorder

Whilst I am sorry to have caused offence, I think it's disingenuous to compare neurodiversity to diabetes. I do accept that others may disagree.

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 18/02/2022 07:40

@ThirdElephant

Both 'label' and 'diagnosis' are incorrect terms to use when referring to neurodiversity, but 'diagnosis' is the least offensive and most people are still stuck in the medical model of ND. The term 'label' is dismissive and reductionist which is why people object to its use to describe ND.

Clarice99 · 18/02/2022 16:14

@RainbowZebraWarrior

Totally agree. The 'Label' thing comes up a lot. Inevitably (and rightly so) it gets called out.

Seems the people who say it, aren't ND. MN really needs to hide this board from Active. I've already asked them to do this.

Hiding this board from active is a good idea. I will ask for that too.

Hopefully, the more people who ask, MNHQ may listen and take action.

Original poster
Iwasonline · 18/02/2022 23:50

I cant really work out if I've offended anyone.

I'm thinking about my son now. I'd quite like a 'label' for him rather than a diagnosis. Imo he doesn't need a diagnosis as he isn't sick but if I can use a label to make his life easier then that's awesome. I hope that it just means NT people will allow him to thrive in his own way. To me, a label is a means to an end. I walked into the opticians with him the other day and requested that they turn their bright lights off because he's autistic and it causes stress to him causes violent meltdown . So the label of autism at that moment in time was very helpful but it doesn't define him or change him.

Does that make sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
Iwasonline · 18/02/2022 23:53

To add, we haven't yet received a diagnosis but he has social difficulties, meltdowns, sensory seeking behaviour and also sensory aversion, he also still isn't dry and regularly has poo accidents too, doesn't sleep through the night.

OP posts:
ofwarren · 19/02/2022 09:41

@Iwasonline

I cant really work out if I've offended anyone.

I'm thinking about my son now. I'd quite like a 'label' for him rather than a diagnosis. Imo he doesn't need a diagnosis as he isn't sick but if I can use a label to make his life easier then that's awesome. I hope that it just means NT people will allow him to thrive in his own way. To me, a label is a means to an end. I walked into the opticians with him the other day and requested that they turn their bright lights off because he's autistic and it causes stress to him causes violent meltdown . So the label of autism at that moment in time was very helpful but it doesn't define him or change him.

Does that make sense?

You won't have offended anyone but lots (probably most) on here won't agree with you that it's a label rather than a diagnosis. There is nothing wrong with being diagnosed with autism and "label" has such negative associations.
It IS a diagnosis because you have to go down a diagnostic pathway.

NOUNdiagnoses/ˌdʌɪəɡˈnəʊsiːz/

mass noun

1The identification of the nature of an illness or other problem by examination of the symptoms.

‘early diagnosis and treatment are essential

And that's exactly what happens. They look at all your symptoms and diagnose you with autism based on the symptoms.
They don't label you with autism.