Eye contact problem- how do I deal with this?

[TeaSoakedDisasterMagnet]

I’ve never been good with making eye contact, it makes me intensely uncomfortable (as I’m sure it does for many of you too)

I try really hard at work to make eye contact and to not appear rude and to concentrate on my colleagues when they’re talking to me. However, sometimes I need to just look away as I can’t maintain it any longer. I usually end up glancing slightly to left or right of the persons face but still continue the discussion.

One of my colleagues has taken to deliberately stepping into my eye line whenever I do this to force eye contact again. I hate it. I don’t know what to say to her to explain I’m not being rude or ignoring her, I just can’t continue the conversation whilst looking her in the face.

I’m not officially diagnosed yet, I’m on a terminally long waitlist. I’ve mentioned to her in the past that I’m on the waitlist for assessment, but all she replied was “well we’re all on the spectrum somewhere.”

Does anyone have any tips please?

If I feel I have to give eye contact then I will look at the person's nose or forehead. They cannot tell either way. I don't force myself at all these days though and look away when I need to.

Sounds like you're trying to look in their eyes then having to look so far away that they can tell you're not looking. I just don't attempt to make eye contact, if you look at the person's nose or hair or ear, it's close enough that they can't tell you're not looking at their eyes.

@RedSnail, no, it’s literally glancing behind them over their shoulder. It’s not like I’m turning away from her. But if I even look away as if I’m thinking she will still step directly to look me in the eye. I find it weird?

[quote TeaSoakedDisasterMagnet]@RedSnail, no, it’s literally glancing behind them over their shoulder. It’s not like I’m turning away from her. But if I even look away as if I’m thinking she will still step directly to look me in the eye. I find it weird?[/quote]

I would hate that. I would end up forgetting my words if someone did that to me. I think it's a bit passive aggressive.

@ofwarren yes I guess it is a little. I struggle with this person a little because despite me trying to set other boundaries with workload she steps over them a lot and I’m wondering if the eye contact thing is a continuation of this or whether it really is just me being rude/bloody weird (as per)

Bloody rude / borderline obnoxious of your colleague. Definitely just go for nose area. Once you start putting pressure on yourself to make eye contact, it becomes a minion times harder.

I'd be tempted to speak to manager and mention that this is happening. And that you're waiting for assessment. I bloody hate "well we are all on the Spectrum aren't we?" When I first plucked up the courage to tell people I was seeking assessment, that's what I got. Just made me clam up and say no more. So it's difficult as you don't want to make a fuss and attract attention to yourself. But also, people need to know it's not ok to make you feel al uncomfortable.

No wonder the percentage of ND people in work is so low.

Look at their eyelashes or if you wear glasses, take them off. I find looking at a blurry unidentifiable thing quite easy as I am very short-sighted!

You’re right I do put pressure on and it does make it harder. I think I’m so aware of it though and i want to be seen as normal and able to cope in the work environment IYSWIM?

I’m not sure there’s much point in telling our manager, it feels a bit cry baby. Also they’re aware of my waiting for assessment. I felt I had to tell them after a complete meltdown at work because of my rule following compulsion.

I think what this colleague said about “the spectrum” really also made me just shut down and not say anything else about it.

Maybe I should mention to her that it makes me uncomfortable next time she does it.

Does she physically step into your line of vision again? If she does I think I'd ask her "why do you keep moving?"

Yes I think I will try that.

I look at noses or ears, foreheads.. also do a dipping thing where I look at the eye, ear, somewhere else, forehead, eye..etc . No one seems to notice I have a real eye contact issue 😂

I do this most of the time. I just try at work as it feels more professional to try to give eye contact. But I’m obviously setting myself up for disaster!

Don't look to the side. Look up. See if she levitates.

@ClumpingBambooIsALie

Don't look to the side. Look up. See if she levitates.

A really good idea actually

I don’t think there’s much point in trying to discuss it. Given her ‘everyone’s on the spectrum’ comment, I imagine she’ll be pretty dismissive of anything you say.

I'm being flippant there, but honestly, this woman's behaviour is unintentionally hilarious. It might help your state of mind if you could see her behaviour for how laughable it is. Sliding around into people's eyeline repeatedly. I mean, come on 🤣

@ClumpingBambooIsALie

I'm being flippant there, but honestly, this woman's behaviour is unintentionally hilarious. It might help your state of mind if you could see her behaviour for how laughable it is. Sliding around into people's eyeline repeatedly. I mean, come on 🤣

Exactly. Mentally filing her under A for Arsehole will help enormously.

As for real-life tips - I am actually not bad with eye contact (especially if it's one of my 'chosen subjects' and I am talking), but if I have to listen, I'll try to gamify it - look person in the eye for three seconds, look at person's nose for three seconds, look in the corner for three seconds etc.

This is actually not a million miles removed from how NT people do it anyway, so, you know, wins all round.

It's not foolproof, however, and I wouldn't do it if you were talking to somebody about something actually important (i.e. the death of a friend's parent or similar).

I think, in that instance, it's better to be authentic, and just look at the ground or the corner of the room or whatever allows you to actually be 'present' and listen.

Being serious, yes, I carefully control my eye contact. There's a sweet spot for how long you look before glancing away, how often you glance away, how long you look away for, whereabouts you direct your gaze during the non eye contact sections — but crucially, the sweet spot is not always the same. It depends on whether you're speaking or listening, what relationship you have with the person, and what the topic of conversation is, among other things. So I adjust the ratio of eye-looking to away-looking, and the frequency of switching, depending on context. It looks a lot more natural that way. While, of course, being entirely unnatural.

(pretty sure I wouldn't have qualified for my ADHD diagnosis if I didn't need to have a whole separate layer of explicit social processing running alongside all other cognitive operations whenever there are people around)

@ClumpingBambooIsALie

Don't look to the side. Look up. See if she levitates.

Then I’d really have to ask why she keeps shifting to look me in the eye! 😂

@AffIt that’s not far off what I try to do. Which is why I wasn’t sure if it was weird she keeps stepping into my eye line or whether I’m just being rude? You’re both right, it is absolutely hilarious!

So baffling.

Perfect the 'stare off to the side while nodding head' move! Try to make it look like you're considering what they just said.

I do it all the time because staring at one spot without moving my face or body is torture for me. I can literally feel my face twitching if I make eye contact for too long.

I mean if I wanted to be brutally honest with someone about why I didn't want prolonged eye contact with them, I'd have to tell them that from my perspective we might as well be trying to discuss end-of-year accounts while repeatedly stroking each other's labia majora. Approximately equivalent for distraction, unwanted intimacy, and general discomfort. But I suspect that disclosure would not fly in the average workplace.

I mean that’s one way of putting @ClumpingBambooIsALie. Not sure I’d phrase it quite that way though!

In seriousness though, for me it feels quite threatening to be looked in the eye. It makes me so nervous and especially when I don’t particularly gel with someone, why would I want to feel like I’m having an “intimate” conversation?

Unfortunately, our discomfort isn't taken remotely seriously because it's discomfort with something the average person has no problem with. I know no way of adequately getting across the level of discomfort without saying something that would be highly inappropriate. So you and I and everyone else in this position need to find some kind of compromise between intolerable discomfort and being unacceptable to others. Best of luck…

We're all on the spectrum somewhere
ARRGGGGHHHHH 🤬🤬🤬🤬

NO
WE
ARE
NOT

God I hate it when people come out with that stupid pig ignorant bollocks.

Re eye contact - try looking between the eyes. I normally go for the end of the nose but between the eyes works too.

Or do the back and forth flick. Looking briefly at the eyes then to the nose then back again. It works better than taking your eyes completely away from the face while avoiding direct eye contact which is really intrusive and actually feels quite aggressive to me.

NTs are really really weird about eye contact. It's a massive deal to them. They can't help it so I try to be supportive 😁