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Neurodiverse Mumsnetters

Use this forum to discuss neurodiverse parenting.

Do you find yourself zoning out when talking to people?

24 replies

ofwarren · 14/02/2022 19:42

If I'm talking to someone and I'm not interested in the topic, I find it sooo hard to look interested. I end up not being able to listen to what the person is saying, it becomes just noise and I even start yawning Blush
I know it's so rude but I can't help it. I do it to my husband all the time when he's talking to me about things. It's so hard to fake it.

OP posts:
Clarice99 · 14/02/2022 20:39

I don't fake any more Grin

My yawns are no longer stifled Grin

I don't hold back with the 'oh gosh, this is sooooo boring' Grin

ofwarren · 14/02/2022 20:41

@Clarice99

I don't fake any more Grin

My yawns are no longer stifled Grin

I don't hold back with the 'oh gosh, this is sooooo boring' Grin

🤣 You are braver than me

OP posts:
Clarice99 · 14/02/2022 21:02

@ofwarren

I'm not sure it's bravery. I just don't care anymore. My diagnosis has given me the freedom to be me.

The people who usually bore me are 'non-relevant' anyway, like my boring, lying, defensive, useless line manager 🤣🤣🤣

Xigris · 14/02/2022 21:13

I’ll probably get flamed for this. But my 2nd child who I adore with all my heart bores me senseless at times. He’s very like me, which says it all really. I have ADHD and although he’s undiagnosed he’s definitely not NT. He’s very bright and has always had great social skills until now where he’s teetering on puberty. He has very specific interests. Not niche as such, fairly mainstream really, but OMG he talks about them constantly. We went for a long walk earlier and I wanted to rip my ears off. I feel AWFUL as he’s brilliant. It’s just the constant monologue about X that sometimes I can’t take (PMT added to the equation). I can’t zone out as he goes “MUUUUUUUUUMMMM?!!!! What do you think about X?? Should I do A or B??” And as it’s soooo specific a non committal answer won’t work. At. All.

Despite the rant I don’t feel better Sad.

Apart from him there’s about 3 people I work with who drive me mad but luckily we have a big team so they’re diluted!

ofwarren · 14/02/2022 21:22

No flaming @xigris , I really sympathise. Its awful when someone is talking about things you are really not interested in. My eldest is 19 and autistic and sometimes he monologues and I'm so bored.
Funny thing is, I expect people feel the same about me!

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 14/02/2022 21:23

I do this all the time. I feel absolutely awful when it's brought to my attention.

I often say things like yes when someone is talking to me but I'm actually not aware that they're talking to me if anyone can understand what I mean. It's like my brain is sort of aware someone's talking but brought in a subcontractor to deal with it.

I also stop listening when I've been given the information I feel I need.
I especially hate this one and am forever trying to make sure I don't do it.

Example
Me - where's the remote?
Other person - on the sofa I think, I was I stop listening at this point. I have the information I need watching a documentary on trees a while ago it reminded me we should look at doing that graft on the apple tree this year I think I'll ask the gardener when they come to do the hedg... You're not listening to me are you?
Me - got the remote, thanks.

It's not something I like about myself but I find that sort of conversation infuriating.

If I ask a question, just give me the information I asked for.

Chat time is chat time.
Information time is not chat time.

Percie · 15/02/2022 08:40

I do, although I also find it difficult to 'tune in' to begin with if I'm already thinking about something else. I don't always register people talking so have no idea they mean me. I also don't 'see' people when I'm preoccupied and can walk past people I know well without knowing they're there. Apparently I seem very rude.

DH gets very frustrated that he can't just start talking to/at me with no preamble and expect me to take it in. Although I've always been taught to check the other person can hear you/knows you're addressing them/has time to listen before asking your question. Thanks to this thread I'm now wondering why I was taught that in a way that made it a 'rule' in the way I think.

IncompleteSenten I'm not alone! I also tune out when the information I need has been given

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 15/02/2022 08:43

Dh sometimes explains his electronics projects to me, I'm like seriously? 🙄 I get revenge by demonstrating my crochet 😄

I try not to talk to people outside as they're invariably duller than a wet weekend in Blackpool and I feel like screaming if forced to engage. If I'm with dh I let him do the talking and I generally wander off.

The wool shop I sometimes go into is run by a woman who literally never shuts up as soon as you go through the door. I can't even concentrate on what colours I want. I've ended up with a really nasty neon orange after my visit the other day 😖

knackeredcat · 15/02/2022 09:02

As a rule, yes - the inattentive side of my ADHD often takes over when communicating. My mind usually thinks "cut to the chase" and I miss information, especially if work related. Most people there know now that if they need me to do something I need an email saying why I have to do it, any pointers where appropriate and an absolute deadline for it otherwise it may get missed.

If there's something "off" about a person's voice my misophonia takes over but tuning out is harder as I'm feeling anything from discomfort to annoyance, and expending precious energy trying to hide this from them. But same result in that I've not taken anything/much in.

IncompleteSenten · 15/02/2022 11:05

@Percie

I do, although I also find it difficult to 'tune in' to begin with if I'm already thinking about something else. I don't always register people talking so have no idea they mean me. I also don't 'see' people when I'm preoccupied and can walk past people I know well without knowing they're there. Apparently I seem very rude.

DH gets very frustrated that he can't just start talking to/at me with no preamble and expect me to take it in. Although I've always been taught to check the other person can hear you/knows you're addressing them/has time to listen before asking your question. Thanks to this thread I'm now wondering why I was taught that in a way that made it a 'rule' in the way I think.

IncompleteSenten I'm not alone! I also tune out when the information I need has been given

I am well known for not recognising people when I'm not expecting to see them.

I apparently drove straight past my sister and her family more than once. And my parents. My sister describes the time they were sitting on a wall outside a market waiting for a taxi and they were waving and I just looked at them and carried on driving. I have no memory of seeing them at all.

I didn't recognise my son's 1:1 in the street although she had been his constant for several years.

I have trouble with faces generally because I used to know which were my kids coming out of school by their coats. I always bought them really outrageous ones to help me. Blush I've described this before under a previous username but I mistook an Indian boy for my (black) son because they had the same coat. It wasn't until he got closer that I realised.

BoardLikeAMirror · 15/02/2022 13:33

Yes, I do. It causes arguments with my husband - he talks in quite a rambling way, so I tune out and miss bits of information; also if I am concentrating on something like a book I will miss even very short, direct statements! I'll say 'did you pick up potatoes in Tesco?' and he'll be cross because he told me 10 minutes ago and I completely missed it, though I was probably going 'mmm' and 'yes' at intervals.

Possibly related but I can't bear people talking over the television if I am trying to watch something. My TV watching style is to switch it on for a certain programme that I want to watch, and then switch it off again - I don't like it on all night as 'background' - and I have to have silence to watch it. Again a source of marital arguments if DH makes some comment or other and I go 'shush.' on him.

Percie · 15/02/2022 14:55

I have trouble with faces generally because I used to know which were my kids coming out of school by their coats. I always bought them really outrageous ones to help me.I've described this before under a previous username but I mistook an Indian boy for my (black) son because they had the same coat. It wasn't until he got closer that I realised.

This sounds an awful lot like a colleague of mine - she once explained that she knows me by my clothing as she has face blindness/prosopagnosia (I think it's called) and doesn't recognise faces. We've agreed that I'll always tell her it's me if we cross paths unexpectedly so she doesn't have to guess. Is this something you've come across before?

My inability to notice isn't so extreme - once someone is pointed out to me it's fine. Usually I'm just thinking 'man, woman, child, group, etc' rather than giving any thought to who it might be/paying attention to them.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/02/2022 14:59

DH knows now. He will explain something to me (IT shite) and I will pretend REALLY hard to be interested. He will rank my interested face. "I know right DH, I did really good interested face, I bet you thought I was really interested!". DD has ADHD too so I'm training her to pretend to be interested in people.

WindInTheWillows7 · 15/02/2022 15:23

My autistic siblings do this all the time, and it's quite hurtful

Percie · 15/02/2022 15:30

Does anyone else struggle to stay awake when they're in a very emotional situation? I've noticed that when things get very emotional I just get really really exhausted and can fall asleep wherever I am, even mid-conversation. It's like my brain can't take any more and shuts down.

I'm thinking this is an extension of zoning out.

ofwarren · 15/02/2022 15:40

@Percie absolutely
It's autistic shutdown
I hardly ever meltdown, I mainly shutdown and extreme tiredness is my first signal that it's going to happen.

OP posts:
ofwarren · 15/02/2022 15:48

@WindInTheWillows7

My autistic siblings do this all the time, and it's quite hurtful

It's so hard not to unfortunately.
If I've had a stressful day, I will end up in shutdown if I force myself to try and look interested. I'm not willing to do that to make others feel more comfortable unfortunately.
The other person may feel put out but I may end up losing a few days in shut down.
Not really comparable.

OP posts:
TerraNovaTwo · 15/02/2022 15:49

Yes. I don't have a diagnosis though. I have lifelong learning difficulties related to reading and writing (dyslexia). I suspect that I may have ADHD and definitely sensory processing disorder.

Percie · 15/02/2022 15:50

[quote ofwarren]@Percie absolutely
It's autistic shutdown
I hardly ever meltdown, I mainly shutdown and extreme tiredness is my first signal that it's going to happen. [/quote]
Thank you - I hadn't really put two and two together before with this one.

ofwarren · 15/02/2022 15:50

@MrsTerryPratchett

DH knows now. He will explain something to me (IT shite) and I will pretend REALLY hard to be interested. He will rank my interested face. "I know right DH, I did really good interested face, I bet you thought I was really interested!". DD has ADHD too so I'm training her to pretend to be interested in people.

I love this 😁
I wish my husband noticed but he doesn't, he just carries on talking!

OP posts:
deeplyrooted · 15/02/2022 23:38

I fake listening but not consciously - I don’t realise I’m doing it.

One time I was in a noisy pub with a group of
Dutch colleagues, and I laughed at a wisecrack one of them made in Dutch. It was very awkward because they were convinced I had been pretending not to speak it, and slipped up. And I was way too embarrassed to admit that I was on auto pilot. I didn’t fully understand myself at the time.

It doesn’t help having small dc talking constantly, one doing his autistic monologues. But even with adults I can predict about 80% of what people are going to say. Sometimes I struggle to tune in when I need to listen to directions or where we’re supposed to meet Blush

I find it really hard waiting for someone to finish saying something when I’ve already grasped their meaning. Dh finds my dsis irritating because he says that she never lets me finish a sentence and talks over me, (which he sees as disrespectful) but actually she has adhd too and when we talk I don’t have to finish because she gets it. I love talking with her because it’s fast, and interesting.

I try very hard to be a good listener/ conversationalist but sometimes I’ll open my mouth to segue and realise that I’ve hopped through too many links in my head and from their pov, I’m abruptly changing subject.

@Percie I do that - once in a very tense potential ambush situation in Africa, I fell asleep on dh’s shoulder.

I never noticed this before but tiredness/sleeping is a very consistent stress response.

LilyRed · 15/02/2022 23:53

@MrsTerryPratchett

DH knows now. He will explain something to me (IT shite) and I will pretend REALLY hard to be interested. He will rank my interested face. "I know right DH, I did really good interested face, I bet you thought I was really interested!". DD has ADHD too so I'm training her to pretend to be interested in people.
This is hilarious!

I shall have to try it with DP when he starts talking about guitars again - inevitably, sigh...
eg "Weellll, the 1962 stratocaster has a blah, blah, guitar, guitar, guitar, guitar, etc etc etc"
I usually tell him to shut up as I'm reading the paper / watching octopus videos or something far more interesting

ABitOfAShitShow · 16/02/2022 00:11

This thread is great. 😂

And, yes.

georama · 16/02/2022 09:15

@WindInTheWillows7

My autistic siblings do this all the time, and it's quite hurtful
I doubt they do it to hurt you.

Get over yourself.

Are you ND?

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