Friends and relatives have always said, only half-jokingly, that they think I’m autistic. Recently I’ve started to wonder if it might be true. I don’t know what having a diagnosis would change for me but I’m thinking about pursuing one simply because the way I am affects my wellbeing.
It’s been a long time since I was in an educational setting (as a student) so I had forgotten how uncomfortable it makes me when I started a new course this week. There are about 20 people in my class. The sense of crowdedness and the noise alone make me feel like I’m going to burst into tears. Certain students also have a habit of touching me repeatedly as they talk. I look at other people to see if the screeching and the over-the-top laughter and the constant touching bothers them too but they seem fine. I, on the other hand, come off as stuck-up and unfriendly because I just hold back and stay silent. It makes me feel like an alien.
Can anybody relate?
Thank you if you read this far. I don’t even know what I’m asking really. I just feel sad that I am odd and that I don’t want to be part of anything and that other people make me feel bad about that and that even at the age of 35, I don’t feel able to just say This is how I am, don’t touch me, leave me alone. (Having said that we all speak different languages in my class - we’re not in the UK - so it’s somewhat difficult to make myself understood anyway).