Does anyone else live like this?

[ADHDkillingme]

Our home is just hell on Earth. Examples below:

Almost every plate/utensil is dirty at all times meaning every night before cooking all of the dishes need to be washed (why can’t we just do them after the meal ready for the next one?)

Always a large pile of laundry that needs to be washed on the floor in front of the washing machine. Think 2/3 loads.

One settee covered at all times with clean laundry.

Forgetting to wash school uniform/work clothes until minutes before bed time resulting in a panic.

Never any clean, paired socks.

General mess everywhere.

This all makes life even harder than it already is but I have tried and tried and tried to be better. I feel so sorry for my children living in this chaos but it’s not through choice and I am barely keeping my head above water.

No judgment please - I have judged myself for all of you.

Please be gentle on yourself, women are expected to do so much more and be so much more now than ever before, even with more machines to do it for us. I grew up in a house like that, but my DB and I are doing OK, no lasting damage!

Dirty plates = you fed your children
Clean laundry on the sofa = they have clean clothes to wear.

Is there any way you can purchase more uniform and do one big wash of it every Friday night? You could set yourself several reminders or something so if you forget they can still be washed on the Saturday.

Again, if you could afford it, could you send your big dirty pile to the laundrette for a service wash and dry? I think my local prices by weight. Might help you get back to square one and feel more on top of things.

how old are your dc?

some simple task like putting away their clothes could be done by them, this would help the sofa

also helping with the washing up if old enough

As above please be kinder to yourself. No judging from me as I am struggling with organising myself. Not sure if it’s undiagnosed add or menopause or both! I think reminders are a good idea.

I used to live like that. I don't anymore.

My house is a bit cluttered with lots of little untidy corners and still one entire junk room, but it's basically orderly. Life is SO much less stressful.

I'm not saying this to gloat. I remember how incredibly hard it was to live like that, and generally life is already hard if you get to that point. But I wanted to be living proof that it doesn't have to be like that forever.

There's hope. And in the mean time, well done for looking after your children in spite of the stress and difficulties surrounding you. It's incredibly hard and an achievement to be proud of.

I identify with this- I have ADHD and have to have systems, lists etc. I find picking and choosing elements from The Organised Mum Method has been very helpful for me. I’m not always as good as I wish I was but it keeps the Wolf from the door.

Be kind to yourself - if you can afford it buy things to help like more uniform so there’s enough for the whole week, recyclable foil trays for cooking in etc. Get a dishwasher! Need go to bed until everything you’ve used for dinner is in it.

Make lists, have rules and get everyone else in the house to help.

Yes, I live exactly like that but probably 10 times worse. I feel constantly guilty about my kids living in a complete mess and I simply can’t get on top of things.

I had an assessment for ADHD recently, and I feel like such a complete and utter failure that I’ve just spent the last 30 minutes crying my eyes out while making dinner.

I don’t have any advice, but I can completely empathise. Go easy on yourself.

I'm the same OP. I just don't have the executive function to organise it. My DH has ADHD and I have ASD so between us it's just a nightmare.
No advice, just sympathy

I really appreciate the supportive responses and I’m sorry to hear others are or have been going through similar in the past.

I hadn’t thought to put a slightly positive spin on it like the first poster suggests. That does help!

I doesn’t look like there are any laundry services near me that will collect and deliver - I know I can’t commit to dropping laundry off every week but that would have been so helpful. Maybe buying more school uniform (sucking up the ADHD tax) isn’t a bad idea if it makes life easier!!

It’s just awful having to live like this.

Part of me wonders if I’m at a place where I need outside support? If we lived like this because of a physical disability I wouldn’t hesitate but I’ve still got that niggle in the back of my mind that tells me I’m ‘just lazy’ and can sort it out if I really try (even though I’ve been trying for 12 years …). The thought of admitting this to anyone is crippling though.

I'm in a,similar pickle. Self diagnosed ADD but classic. Menopause is the final straw for my thought processes and energy levels. The lack.of house visitors during pandemic has meant my house is not visitor ready ever.

My son is just going through an assessment for ADHD and I am recognising traits in myself. I have always struggled with basic house organisation however hard I try . I have been called lazy and a dirty bitch by my ex. Now I see there could be a reason . I really want to be able to invite people over without a mad tidy up. Strangely I am great at organising parties , holidays and social events.

Have you a partner who can help?

Things that help me (in no particular order)

Everyone has a laundry box (foldable washing basket thing) and everyone’s washing goes into it when dry. Up to them what they do with it after (DD just dumps it in her room but that’s ok)

I have a dishwasher. You could even get a small table top one if you don’t have space for even a slim one.

I only buy one particular type of sock for me and DD therefore there is no pairing to do.

I have a cleaner.

Yes! Yes! Yes!
My house is exactly the same and I'm desperate to change things. I'm currently waiting for ADHD and ASD assessment and have always been messy and disorganised. At the minute I feel like we're drowning. And like you OP, I feel guilty my kids live like this.
I'd love someone to come in and sort everything out. Or bin everything and start again.
@MumsMetHer you say you used to be like this but aren't now - please can you share how you achieved the change?

I have a lot of neurodiverse traits but have never been diagnosed, so apologies if the ideas aren't helpful.

I find

a) having a dishwasher is an amazing thing. My entire kitchen is a single sided galley less than 10ft long and I still have a small dishwasher
b) having a routine that forces me to sort things out - so for me, that's having a cleaner every week. The cleaning is great, and frees up a chunk of time for keeping on top of other things, but what is Really forces me to do is get the house to a state where she can clean every week - i.e. the washing is done, and the surfaces are clear.

I recognise they are both solutions that require additional cash but I can also say I ummed and ahhed over the money for a cleaner for literally years and it's the best money I spend.

The clean washing in this house ends up living for weeks in stacked baskets in my bedroom so I watch eagerly for ideas for how to solve that one...

yes, I recognise this!
How old are your dc?

Things that helped me -
Laundry bin for all the dirty clothes. Everyone puts their clothes in there.

I wash all the uniforms on Friday evening, dry overnight. Dcs tackle the sofa pile. They pair up their own socks and put all their own clean laundry away.

Thankfully I have a dishwasher and everyone clears their own dishes into it. Teach dcs to wash up if they’re not toddlers.
I’m a firm believer in dcs having chores. Partly because I’m not the house slave and don’t want to be overwhelmed and partly because it’s very good for them. Teaches them skills and builds their self esteem.

I recognised a long time ago that laundry and everything around food took up most of my headspace and time so it’s worth getting a system in place for those.

Again, I’m sorry to hear others are struggling too but selfishly it does help to know that I’m not the only one.

A dishwasher sadly isn’t an option. I’d have bought one years ago if we could fit one in. It’s difficult to explain how small my kitchen is. If we ever move to a house with a bigger kitchen it will be ordered to arrive on the day we move in!!

My partner is the one who keeps us afloat really. He does a lot more than he should.

I have toyed with the thought of a cleaner on many occasions but I worry that the stress of having to be ready for them would outweigh the benefit. There is so much mess all of the time that I just don’t know how I could keep it all at bay in order to let them come and clean.

On a more positive note - I’ve had quite a productive morning - have managed to clean the lounge, do some dishes and clean most of the bathroom (just need to do the bath when I’m in the shower shortly). Every time I do these things I tell myself that all I need to do to keep on top of it is a few small things every day but I just can’t seem to make it happen. The sensible part of me realises that it takes 30 seconds to clean a sink while you brush your teeth but it just doesn’t happen. I am so consistently disappointed in myself.

My children just shouldn’t have to live like this. There should be clean crockery and cutlery for their breakfast every morning, there should be paired socks in their drawers and they should be able to have friends over. I’m so ashamed.

Your children sound very loved & they’ll remember that far more than dirty dishes.

Good luck getting a grip on the mess, but hating on yourself isn’t going to help anyone.

Also, fuck paired socks. Really doesn’t matter.

@ADHDkillingme I got a cleaner once and let her go after 2 visits. Like you say, it wasn't worth the stress. I couldn't cope with someone in my house, touching my things or the mad panic of having to tidy up before the came. Both times I went out till she was done. It was far too stressful for me.

I think you need some rules and routines that the whole family sticks to, such as:
All dishes are washed, dried and put away and kitchen wiped clean after breakfast and again after dinner every day.
Put on a load of washing as soon as you get up every morning.
All dry laundry is folded and put away each evening.
No screen time until these are done.

If you have a partner and children are over about 8 years old, they need to be helping with chores.

Also, consider owning less dishes and clothes, it may make things easier. There is a podcast called A Slob Comes Clean (Google it) that may really help - you can listen to it while you do dishes and laundry.

If I was left to my own devices that would be me.

I came into a few hundred pounds years ago and the first things I bought were a dishwasher and tumble dryer!

I wish I could have industrial sized washers/ dryers so a whole weeks could go in one load!

When I lived alone be I could only face washing/ dishes once a week so it would be quite built up by then!

Just coming in to say live the phrase ADHD tax