ASD and Dyspraxia

[ISaySteadyOn]

It's a lovely combination I have but today it is the dyspraxia. I wrote 'new wife and mother without dyspraxia or anxiety' on our chalkboard grocery list today.

I am just so exhausted by it. DH and the DC are not at all dyspraxic and can organise and craft things and, in DH's case, do the building work that we desperately need in addition to his regular work.

We can't hire builders cos they won't touch the house with a 10 foot pole. We have tried. And if I weren't dyspraxic, I could do some of the work so it wasn't all DH.

And because DH works and does all that and I am only a SAHM (no one wants to employ a 40 yo failure with a stupid disability), I feel utterly worthless all the time.

And I don't know what to do about it. Sometimes I think if I could beat myself up enough, I'd crack like an egg and a competent, successful woman would emerge. Sure I would be gone but that woman who emerged would be so much better for my family.

I don't know what I hope to achieve by writing this but I needed to get it out and I have nowhere else to put it.

(((hugs)))

And I suppose I fulfill the useful role of the person in the family everyone can feel superior to.

So there's that. I am just so tired by it all.

Thank you for the hugs @Worrysaboutalot

I don't know much about ASD or dyspraxia but I know two things.

One Your family value and love you. I know this, as you talk about your family as a strong unit. You talk about how hard your husband is working for your family.

Two I know about anxiety. Your words and the feeling behind them sound full of anxiety. Be kind to yourself, you are dealing with a lot.

I understand it is hard. My recent health problems are making it harder for me to keep house and look for work.

My husband works so darn hard and my anxiety makes me feel so useless and a failure too. You are not alone.

We will get there in small steps and in our own way.

Go give your husband and kids a hug, you all need it

DH is already busy fixing something else. I think he tries not to look down on me but I think it's really hard for him not to. He can't imagine his hands not obeying him so he struggles to understand how it is for someone else. And because he is the one who can do all the things (DIY, cook, clean, mend and make clothes, earn a salary, explain everything clearly) the DC listen to him in a way they never listen to me. I feel like everything I do could be replaced by a robot (that DH and DD1 could build together).

And I try to be grateful that someone so competent thinks I am worth loving but I don't understand why.

I don't always feel like this, but today I wish I could wink out of existence. DH could find another wife, a better one who would probably be a better mother too.

I hope your health problems are improving

OP had to jump in and say I hear you.. my dd is probable Asd and dyspraxia (plus spld) - life is tough for her. Please don’t think you are worthless though despite these conditions that make life harder. Bet you have some things you are brilliant at.. just sending solidarity xx

No one can replace you as your husbands wife, your children's mother and as you.

Your worth is not in how your hands work (or not) or how much money you bring into the household.

Everyone has value. You have value. Believe in yourself.

Think about everything you did last month and write down the things you achieved. Things that are important for your family and you. A walk, a story shared, a day out, a conversation.

When you feel low, read your list to remind yourself of your own value.

@ISaySteadyOn

I hope your health problems are improving

Thank you. My health problems are permanent but I am lucky to be stable atm. No idea how long for, so I try to manage my anxiety and get on with life.

Lol, sometimes I don't manage well but I keep trying. I will get there one day

Dyspraxic (& probably asd too) here! I’m having a rubbish time atm, so have nothing to send but hugs and solidarity. I’m sure things will get better, just sometimes I wish they’d get better quicker xx

I got the ASD diagnosis when I went for the dyspraxia assessment. I was 27. I didn't even know it had a name until I was 24.

Solidarity to everyone else struggling. There are some things I am good at but they are of no use in day to day life. I would just like, for one minute, to actually feel useful not just have people tell me I am.

DH has a hypothesis that a lot of depression stems from people feeling useless and giving them something to do that has a purpose and a genuine use would really help. I think he has a point. The difficulty lies in finding which purposes fit which people.

Supposedly, being a mother should fit that for me, but it doesn't work. I go through the motions but I struggle to spend time with them as they all like to do things I can't help with. I feel like a failure at that too.

I promise I am not normally so gloomy, it's just I can only keep a lid on it for so long until it gets out.

@Namechange600, your daughter is lucky to have you. I wish my mother had told me what I had and explained that I could learn things but that it would take me longer. Instead I was told I had something wrong with my hands and then they breathed a sigh of relief at my slim, athletic, intelligent younger sister.

So yeah, feelings of inferiority run deep. It's hard because I would like to make things but I just can't do it without it taking forever or coming out wonky.

Better today. DH, bless him, found a way I could help him with something where it didn't matter how long it took. Also, he said teaching me how turned a boring job into an interesting one. I am v lucky to have him.

I really feel for you @ISaySteadyOn 💜. My daughter has dyspraxia and probably autism. Everything is so hard for her. She’s been pretty oblivious to it so far but she’s starting to get more self aware and with that comes awareness of how she finds things harder than others And I wonder how I can help her to feel good about herself and find strengths. Or just things she likes even if she’s not “good” at them.

You sound like an amazing mother especially encouraging her to do things she enjoys even if she is not good at them.