What is autistic meltdown like for you?

[larklight]

I'm pretty new to learning about autism and one of the things that I thought I didn't have was meltdowns, though I can remember screaming and losing control as a child when things didn't go to plan.

The more I think about this, especially reading stuff about how autism can be so different for women, I think I probably do still have a version of meltdowns. When things deviate from my routine, or something happens that really throws me, I get a sick feeling in my stomach and my head swims. I'd describe the emotions as a mix of anger, anxiety and sadness and it's an effort to control my breathing and not cry.

I think most of the time people wouldn't know this was happening to me. I've learned to control it so that it's mostly internal, because I don't want to seem weird or childish. Sometimes I have to go off to the loo or something, or just walk off and shut down for a few minutes, do some breathing exercises. Sometimes I cry or get angry, but usually only if it's just me and dh there.

I've got used to thinking there's just something wrong with me that I can't handle normal situations, but now I think this is my version of a meltdown, so I'm wondering if other people experience meltdowns that aren't what might be considered typical autistic meltdowns?

I just invert. Shut off and could sleep for hours.

As a child, before I knew what it was, I just thought (and was told) I was antisocial. I’d just close down.

Now, being an expert at masking, I can keep going longer but when enough is enough, I have to remove myself, physically.

I’ve often told both DH and my councillor I have three versions of myself.

Everyday me who happily plods along and enjoys life. I’m here 90% of the time.

Desperate me who is the anxiety/autism and the general overwhelmed part of me who will just appear one morning and stay for a while.

Parent me who is always in the back of my head and who comes out when I need her. If I’m having a really bad episode (can’t focus/get going/feel like the walls are caving in) she guides me through in a right - I need you to get up, all we have to do is empty the dishwasher, the children need feeding, let’s get into the shower, talk to me what’s the matter etc.

It’s a balance of the triple entente as we call it trying to muddle our way through.

An actual meltdown will involve me either shutting down into rest mode when I do the bare minimum (we eat lots of sandwiches/takeout and watch lots of tv on the settee because I go too overwhelmed or depressed to move) or I go manic and need to be alone and will become quite authoritarian eg I’m going to fix EVERYTHING that’s wrong with me. I can strip the chipboard wallpaper in the dining room at ten o’clock at night NO PROBLEM. During these times I cannot be touched, I can’t be looked at, I can’t make decisions or mask around people properly. It’s really hard.

I make exceptions for the children though, I don’t know if that’s just me? I try so hard and REFUSE to scare them or to make them upset. I’m as age appropriately honest I be as in mummy needs xyz today is that ok with you? What do you need from me? We can have a nice big cuddle first but then I’ve got to go and sort the kitchen (eg stare at the wall for an hour to calm down).

I’ve gotten a lot better over the years at managing and recognising when the meltdowns come. I can 9/10 stop them before it really takes hold and usually I’ll just shut down until my body can reset. It’s hard and everyone of you on here are absolute warriors.

Day to day its irrationality and being shorthanded and becoming more nonverbal by the end of the day. My job is not suited to my autism but I love it mainly.

Last year I hit autistic burnout and I literally felt like I was shut I side my body and I just stared at a wall for a day and a half coming out of it was hard and it really scared me how dissociative I was with my own body.

Bloody hell, Reading all these is like listening to myself explain how things are for me. Not just on this thread, but on all the threads on this board.

I also know some of you from the Preppers board! I have no diagnosis and have never considered that all these things that happen with me might be related to autism. I thought all this stuff was the same for everyone.

@SmallGreenStripes
It's like a light bulb moment isn't it!
Have you tried one of the online tests? This is a good one

psychology-tools.com/test/autism-spectrum-quotient

I used to become very aggressive (I once broke a bone in my foot kicking a wall during an argument with my partner in pre-diagnosis times - to be honest, if my OH had posted much of my behaviour on the Relationships board at that time, it would have been an instant LTB, me being the B).

I understand more about my triggers now, which helps me avoid them, but I'm not immune to shutdown.

I am fortunate to have a very understanding partner, who respects my need for 'me time', and a job and a boss that gives me time to take time out.

I also like to run hard and lift heavy weights.

Those are the only things that work for me: NTs' conventional relaxation methods, such as yoga/mindfulness/meditation etc just make me cross and frustrated.

I also have a stress reaction that allows me to sleep deeply for hours at a time.

Anxious? Have a nap.
Scared? Have a nap.
Angry? Have a nap.

It does, however, put off having to deal with anything, which is both a blessing and a curse.

Thanks @ofwarren! I scored 36 - I have a job that requires me to do social chit chat so I think I scored ok on that but I have to plan what I am going to say before I go to events. I also make notes and revise who I am likely to meet beforehand. I was an odd child - spent a lot of time in the bushes in the garden’camping’, and happier on my own than in a group. Even now social stuff exhausts me and I have to go hide somewhere after a while.

I didn’t get’ school till I was about 14, then it suddenly clicked. I didn’t know what was expected of me. I still love routine and predictability, and home is very much my safe place.

Are there any books you would recommend to help me understand myself a bit better? Thank you.

When I was younger I used to hit my head and bite myself. I remember as a teen often standing in front of the mirror doing my hair and biting my arm really hard because it wouldn't go right. I also had an obsession with my face not having any colour so I would use foundation then powder then talc! And bite myself if I couldn't get white enough.

Over the years I have learned to keep it inside (mostly. I have very few times when I hit myself and only when alone).

I don't know how to explain it really.

I lock myself inside me and scream and rampage and hurt people. But on the outside I'm frozen. I bet that sounds ludicrous.

I get very overheated and angry. I then start to rant and feel overwhelmed with frustration. Everything is wrong and chaotic and I need to be by myself. I have hurt myself before in anger. I can't get my words out to explain how I feel. My meds help keep them at bay most of the time.