What is autistic meltdown like for you?

[larklight]

I'm pretty new to learning about autism and one of the things that I thought I didn't have was meltdowns, though I can remember screaming and losing control as a child when things didn't go to plan.

The more I think about this, especially reading stuff about how autism can be so different for women, I think I probably do still have a version of meltdowns. When things deviate from my routine, or something happens that really throws me, I get a sick feeling in my stomach and my head swims. I'd describe the emotions as a mix of anger, anxiety and sadness and it's an effort to control my breathing and not cry.

I think most of the time people wouldn't know this was happening to me. I've learned to control it so that it's mostly internal, because I don't want to seem weird or childish. Sometimes I have to go off to the loo or something, or just walk off and shut down for a few minutes, do some breathing exercises. Sometimes I cry or get angry, but usually only if it's just me and dh there.

I've got used to thinking there's just something wrong with me that I can't handle normal situations, but now I think this is my version of a meltdown, so I'm wondering if other people experience meltdowns that aren't what might be considered typical autistic meltdowns?

If it’s mainly internal, it may be a “shutdown”. If you google “asd shutdown” and click on some of the links, you may find the symptoms listed are similar to what you have.

Thanks toffee1000, that's really helpful. I've googled shutdown and found loads of descriptions that sound like me.

Glad I could be of help! I think people know more about meltdowns precisely because they’re external/noticeable, as opposed to a shutdown where it’s not obvious what’s going on.

I’m kind of like you, had meltdowns as a kid but now they’re more shutdowns.

I shut down. Have to rest, quietly. If I can’t do that I get grouchy and it’s exhausting keeping a lid on things.

Shouty

Mine are shutdowns, I used to have meltdowns as a kid but got shamed for them so it’s all internal nowadays.

Mine can be relatively quiet but I still consider them meltdowns because of how long they take to recover from. It feels like I will explode if anyone touches me, my head fills with static white noise and all my muscles tense at once. I used to self harm as a teenager to get rid of the build up of tension but obviously as an adult I don’t. The result is, the feeling lasts much longer. I pace around like a caged animal looking for a way to release the tension, usually unsuccessfully. I have been known to just run out the door! All of this is quite quiet and internal but definitely not a shutting down of feeling or awareness. It takes days to recover, where I feel like fight or flight is jammed on and all my muscles ache from the previous tension.

I'm new to this board and reading the threads is like reading about myself. I hadn't thought of having experienced meltdowns or shutdowns but when I look back I have and still do. Since having children and being a single mum I can't just do what I need to do like I used to when I was younger. I used to feel such rage and frustration and cry. Or very empty and flat.

I can self harm and be shouty and aggressive with extreme frustration but also have shut downs.

I have shut downs but also screaming, sobbing meltdowns where I throw whatever is to hand. Thankfully rare but I micromanage my stress levels to a ridiculous degree to avoid them.

It was this that made the penny drop that I'm autistic and not various other mood disorders I thought I had for years. It was when I couldn't stop screaming because the TV was broken; totally unrelated to my mood; that I knew I needed an assessment.

@BlackeyedSusan Hope you don't mind me tagging you, but I've been on the same boards as you for years (preppers etc) I've name changed since I got my EDS diagnosis. But just wanted to say Hi and it seems like we have a lot in common.

Hi. @RainbowZebraWarrior Liking the zebra name. Not a clue who you were. Bloody autism eh! (I get people really confused even in RL) Never get these things. But preppers board, yay. I know two posters who you are not though as I have seen them today.

Don't mind tagging.

@Advic3Pl3as3

I can self harm and be shouty and aggressive with extreme frustration but also have shut downs.

Do you have any tips on controlling the aggression? I think I probably have autism that should have been given help when young but it was not recognised and I missed out on any strategies.

OT has recommended doing calming activities every day.

Also implementing calming strategies early when you start to get agitated...deep breathing, stress Balls or whatever works for you.

Removing yourself from the situation. (My main problems were when I couldn't leave the children but the irritant person would not go away either)

Getting plenty of sleep, good diet, exercise etc.

Need to take my own advice.

I've attempted to describe the difference on the page below. The videos part way down from Agony Autie might be helpful.
www.griffinot.com/what-is-sensory-overload/

I go silent and literally shut down like a PC when Dr Watson puts it out its misery. Or a BSOD. I cannot talk, cannot be around people, burst into tears and freak out over trivial decisions like going left or right.

You know how in, say, the Beano, when someone is confused they are drawn with several faces looking in different directions?
It’s a bit like that. I stop being able to filter sound, so every single thing is the same volume and I can’t actually hear things. I can feel sounds- for example, dog barks are like being hit.
Confusion, panic, desire to run, can’t think, freeze.
It all just becomes too much, like a tantrum, I suppose. My wife says I start moving my hands in a particular way, which she says is a bit like an aura. I also increase my repetitive behaviour, but you’d never see that- it’s internal.

that is helpful camel. they way you have described it. I shall think more about how mine feels earlier in the process.

Depends.

If I'm triggered, I go from 0 to 10 very angry very shouty.

If it is built up over a few smaller bad incidents, I just have this huge urge to run far away. I like going somewhere noisy and busy so I can hide in the chaos, King's Cross station is good for that.

I shut down and go very quiet. I have to be alone and do my comfort stuff to come out of it.

I get very angry very quickly, mostly I have to sit on it: not good as it feels like a volcano simmering.

As another poster described, I got into severe trouble as a child for meltdowns so I had to learn or else. Now I just make sure I have quiet time everyday and an escape route (I did nearly stab the cutlery drawer the other day when MIL was being generally unpleasant; not good)

Although I am sensitive to noise, to calm myself from anger I drop metal saucepan lids to make a loud crash and bang things deliberately as that satisfies somewhat.

I have come to realise that I need to use Noise Cancelling headphones and music on my phone when out to not feel like everything is looming and towering over me when out as I did some years ago. Still felt the panic but not as badly

I have shutdowns which I describe as my dementor attacks. Things start to feel detached, like all the programmes I'm running start shutting down, then things start feeling dark or panicky, and I have a period of overwhelming and terrifying despair where I can't speak and I feel suicidal (I never have and never would act on that, so I suppose it's not exactly suicidal, it's more an overwhelming feeling that I should delete myself).

Mine are always shutdowns. I go selectively mute. If I try to talk my words slur and I cannot choose the correct words to use.
I just sit there, vacant in my own little world. Everything looks bright and I feel locked in.

Yes it’s just overload and have to withdraw. Worst trigger is clutter and disorder, so not sure if that’s more the dyspraxia than the Aspergers, maybe both, but I just cannot handle it.

I toddle off and do something else somewhere else until it can be dealt with. It’s impacted my career choices because you need a certain amount of autonomy to have those options, but I think at the moment that’s working in my favour. It hasn’t always.

I accidentally married a hoarder. That didn’t last.

Sensory things are easier to avoid as you get older, or at least the ones that bother me are.