Baat Pakki

[Maxstress3]

Salam everyone. I'm hoping you can shed some light on this topic. My son is interested in a girl and the two families have been on talking terms over the last couple of months. As they want to proceed to the next stage, we asked the family about coming round to formalise the relationship (baat pakki) and the dad stipulated they want my son to buy his own house before any wedding. They said it's condition before proceeding. Is this normal process. I find it quiet and expensive demand considering she will not be contributing anything towards it. Please share your thoughts and views.

WS, my niece is soon to be married, when the rishta was arranged we ask for the couple to live separately so it was agreed that they would rent a house. In this case the family already owned a rental property, its by no means a big house, its a very modest 2 bed in a rather rough area. But it met the demand. Would you consider renting? Or perhaps cutting in other places, smaller wedding or gofting her less gold? It seems to be the way now for young people to want to live separately.

My son is in a good position to purchase however the other family don't want to set any dates until he puts down a deposit which I am not happy because they are aware we are looking and have offered. It just seems like they dont trust us ir are basing this marriage on this condition

Yeah I wouldn't like to be put in that position either, it comes accross very transactional and abit disrespectful as they only agree if he has a house otherwise they not interested, I would suggest the compromise of renting. If they agree to then you know they are genuine, they just want the best for their daughter and if they don't then I would ask your son if he's happy to walk away.

Even if they rent he will be paying out so he doesn't want to waste money and would rather buy a house. I just don't like the pressure and feeling this rishta is based on conditions. A part of me wants to pull back as I'm disheartened

Im in my early 30s and I wish I had stipulated this. The MIL is always a nightmare even when she thinks she is great.

Every single woman I know who lived with in laws, hated it. The DIL always suffers.

I will be advising my daughters to live separately. Islamically there is no obligation to live with your husband's parents. I guarantee the girl's parents have heard too many horror stories about interfering or abusive MILs.

Renting is a fair conpromise though, as is agreeing to live with in laws for x amount of time whilst they save. But which young woman wants to move into her MIL's place and be told it's not her house; do chores for his family; be questioned constantly on where she goes and when and not be able to make the house in the way you want it?

Every young bride wants to set up her own home, not become the metaphorical (or in my case, physical punchbag) for his mum. It rarely works and leads to tears on all sides. I know many couples in their 20s and 30s going through this right now and the son ends up so stressed and the marriage hugely strained.