Do I wait for him? Or am I wasting my time?

[nutellandjamontoast]

Salaam sweet sisters in Islam, hope everyone is well <3
Just looking for some advice please! I did consider posting in the relationships board but thought best to post here because I'm most interested in advice from an Islamic perspective.

I (f25) have met a man (26) at uni. He's an overseas student, in the UK to do his PhD. We're on the same campus and met through a shared hobby.

We're both Muslim (I'm a revert of almost 2 years) and he's born Muslim from a Kurdish background. None of his family are in the UK.

We have developed strong feelings for each other and he broached the subject of marriage. I'd love to do this (in a year or so, not immediately). However, during a phone call he made to tell his parents about me, he was threatened with all sorts of nasty consequences. This led to him "ditching" me (on their say so), then he later apologised to me and said he didn't mean it and still loves me. Said he only ditched me under pressure from them.

I said ok, I'll give him another chance to deal with his parents' objections and stand up to them once and for all. However, this was a couple of months ago and he's still making excuses as to why I can't see them (on video calls etc) or speak to them on the phone, or even plan a visit over to his family during the holidays.

Meanwhile, he claims to be deeply in love with me and talks all the time about our future, getting married (to each other), our children in the future, our future home etc.

How do I explain to him that, whilst I love him and don't want to have to end things (through lack of progress), I won't wait forever whilst he tried to gather the courage to stand up to his parents?

I know his parents are more cultural than Islamic but he's very practising in his faith, he's smart and well-educated too. But still panders to his parents.

Any advice ladies? xx

Didn't want to read and run. I don't think there is a future with this man, and I'd cut my losses now if I was in your position. Sounds like a lot of empty promises and future faking. Unfortunately there are many men who prey on convert women, or women without a wali, in our communities. There is a reason Allah decreed that unmarried women and their interests are respected through a male guardian. I'd focus on your deen, your studies, your family, and try and forget this man.

Sister as a revert ppease learn the etiquette of marriage and dealing with men. Developing atrong feelings is a NONO in Islam. He is a stranger not mahram you need to keep a distance and lower your gaze. And emotional relationship is Harram as a physical. You are dating and that is not allowed. My sincere advice. Is cut contact.
Seek a wali to be someone to vet potentional suitors. This will not end well if you disobey Allah to get "married". You can not make Halal the path of zina. Zina of the eyes, ears, tongue, heart and then the private oarts confirm or deny it.

If you have decided now is the right time to sear h for a spouse. Get a wali from local sahria council / mosque and if anyone approach your for marriage you give them the number for Wali. Let the Wali "date" and vet the brother. If all passea ok then chaparoned meetings are arranged. This is the proper Halal and moat authentic way in this day and age. This is how I got married sister. It is harder as it filters out all the dead beats and time wasters.
Protect your heart and your awrah sis.

Love him.... Oh no sis. As I stated above. Stop the contact say bye. And got a Wali and do the Halal. This is nit the proper behaviour of a Muslimah at all. I am also a revert. I grew up in the UK to cultural parents i never practiced Islam. I became a Muslim at university. I been where you been without guidance no sister to look out for me. It doesn't go well ever. Trust me. I am not 38 and learned many lessons.... Some the hard way.

I guess he is in a hard place. This is not an unusual situation. Of courses, it is made harder by the fact that you are now very emotionally connected. Yes, this wouldn’t have happened if things had been done the ‘right’ way from the beginning but here we are and this is life. I guess my advice is to ‘back off’ for now and let him know. He then has to either tell his parents that you are getting married or you move on from each other. If they are so against the idea of you, prepare yourself for the stress this may cause you both in the future though. What exactly are their objections? Such as shame that Muslims are still like this in 2025.

Love him.... Oh no sis. As I stated above. Stop the contact say bye. And get a Wali and do the Halal. This is not the proper behaviour of a Muslimah at all. I am also a revert. I grew up in the UK to cultural parents i never practiced Islam. I became a Muslim at university. I been where you been without guidance no sister to look out for me. It doesn't go well ever. Trust me. I am now 38 and learned many lessons.... Some the hard way.
Cut your losses and work on yourself and when ready use the proper Halal Channels

He’s future faking. Gracefully withdraw and walk away. There’s someone amazing waiting for you elsewhere.

It never ends well when the other family isn’t on board. Leave before you get hurt OP or cut all contact until he has confirmation from his family that they support the relationship and are willing to make it halal.