Khula and thinking of my children

[anon2576]

I am thinking of starting a khula process. My husband was stopping me from going out with my sisters or my mums and would ask why I haven't got home by a certain time.
Long story short, my family came and spoke to him but just made him pay for things he wasn't as I'm only working part time and was dealing with the majority of the bills.
He is now allowing me to go and see them etc but so much has happened that I don't feel anything towards him anymore and all he wants is me in bed tbh.
Now my family are planning to go abroad and can't see how I really don't want to.
My children are young and us not communicating is having an effect on my eldest (6 years old)
Crying for unknown reasons
Shouting etc
I know if I divorce it will be a big thing for them and has already mentioned that I don't love them.
I feel so stuck and don't know if I should carry on with a khula. Please advise. JazakAllah

Salaams sister. So sorry to read your predicament. Could I just clarify, is your family moving abroad or going on holiday? Do you want to go with them?

Are your children saying you don't love them or your husband is saying that?

He does sound controlling and insecure. Do you feel it's worth trying to get to the bottom of why he's like that? Is there any scenario in which you could love him again, or do you feel there's no going back?

If you do proceed with khula your children are too young to blame you, and you can find ways to explain it to them. I would say don't stay for practical reasons like money or security as that will sacrifice your happiness and ultimately that of your children. If he is a good dad, he'll still be a good dad after khula.

Salaam Sis, sorry you haven't had much response on here, and that you are suffering.
It does seem like your husband is not fulfilling his obligations to you and the family.

Is it worth pursuing couples counselling?

It sounds like you have a very supportive family which will help immensely if you do split.

Keep doing istikhara and try to have a conversation with him... I know how hard this can be though.

I just read your previous post from the beginning of the year. Your last message said he knows things about you and is threatening to tell people. Before reading this i was wondering if there was a way to make him see sense, however, this piece of information made it clearer as to his personality. He does not sound like a great person and you seem utterly fed up with him. And who can blame you? Practically, are you actually able to leave and find somewhere else to live? Can I suggest you find someone trained (eg an islamic counselling place qualified to listen and give advice - you would have to pay) so that you are more confident in your next steps. It sounds like you have tried and had patience and now just have ‘the ick’ as some people might describe it. Yes, it will be hard and he will either have to wake up and make huge changes or accept it. This also means he could become aggressive towards you and make life difficult which is why I advise seeking professional help first, so you are prepared for such events. Wishing you strength. It is unfortunate that so many men behave like this and can’t see the damage they cause.

Asapamu Alaykoum sis.
As the Sheikh says we are the people in charge of what we tolerate from our husbands. We need to draw a line. If your marriage is beyound repair. You have salought abbitration. He is not interested either to reconcile and rectifiy the issues. Then what are the choices you have left?

Thank you everyone for replying. I have put a hold on the khula process as he is now saying he will tell everyone about something I have done which I don’t want to share on here. It has made the whole situation even more difficult and I am trying to carry on as if I’m ok due to this pressure now.

How is he going to look if he maliciously spreads private information about you? Could it be that people would be more forgiving of you and move past it? I think there's only one way to deal with blackmailers and that's to say do your worst. All sins are forgivable so whatever you did its in the past. Otherwise he'll always have this hold over you.

Thank you for this. It just seems as if everyone around me has moved on from the situation. He also found this thing out whilst I was getting family involved to help me so now he’s saying that is my reason however both he and I know it’s a lot more than that. I feel so stuck and not strong enough to start the khula especially because of my 2 children.

When you say you're scared to start khula because of your children, what do you mean exactly? That they will be unhappy or that he will try to take them? Divorce is always hard on children, but with loving support they learn to accept it. If your family is supportive, could you stay with them during the process?

Yes that they will be unhappy. Family and him included think everything’s back to normal but I know I’m just putting a smile on my face and carrying on when deep down I know I don’t want this but don’t want to carry the regret of it effecting my children in the worst way possible.